Archive for the ‘Women’s Issues’ Category
Esther Kane asked:
In this article, I want to share some things I’ve learned doing family therapy over the years and give you some strategies for dealing with the “crazies” that are inevitably brought on by too much “family togetherness” during the holiday season. Dealing with family is, at the best of times, challenging. Add to that ‘great expectations’ (or fantasies) of one or more of the following:
· curling up with your loved ones in front of a roaring fire while sipping hot chocolate or mulled cider
· buying the “perfect” gift for a family member and delighting in the joy it brings them
· family gathering together from far and wide and putting all of their differences aside to enjoy a special holiday together wherein everybody gets along, there are no fights, and everybody is floating along the blissful sea of “family unity”
· preparing the “perfect” family dinner that everyone enthusiastically feasts on, appreciates deeply, and thanks you for endlessly from the bottom of their hearts (oh, and they also clean up while you sit with your feet up on the sofa)
· spending some “quality time” with a special relative you haven’t seen in a while; just the two of you
And I’m sure I haven’t covered them all! Feel free to add your own fantasy of the “perfect holiday” here…
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that the typical family holiday doesn’t usually look like any of the above! And why is this?
Why do we individually and collectively delude ourselves into believing that there is such a thing as the “perfect holiday” anyway? Why do we hold up such great hopes for the season, and then often end up landing flat on our faces in the mud full of sadness, anger, and great disappointment?
I’m sure many of you are screaming out, “The media!” and you’d be right. The illusion of perfectly happy, well-adjusted families gathering together in joy SELLS. It sells a lot! Down from men’s colognes, all the way up to new cars!
Guess when my busiest season is as a therapist? RIGHT AFTER THE WINTER HOLIDAYS! I don’t dare take a vacation at the beginning of January as my phone is ringing off the hook and people are desperate to come in and make sense of why they feel so many unpleasant feelings following being with their families-of-origin over the holiday season.
One thing I hear over and over again at this time of year is, “Why didn’t I see it coming? How did I end up in the same place AGAIN with my family after I’ve worked so hard on those relationships as an adult? How could I have been so stupid?”
While I feel that beating oneself up is pointless and unnecessarily damaging, I do feel that it makes sense to do all that we can in terms of healthy self-care when planning to spend time with family; especially during important holidays when everyone’s expectations are high and nerves are frayed.
Here are a few suggestions and ideas for taking care of yourself over the holidays that have worked for many of my clients:
· Limit the length of time you stay with family or have family stay with you to something that doesn’t make you want to hide out under the covers for days on end when you think about it (trust your gut- you’ll know what is the right length of time).
· If you’re surrounded by other people for a number of days and things begin to feel really intense, make sure you take some time away EVERY DAY- even plan your “alone time” for each day of the visit before the actual event and schedule around it. Take an hour to emotionally “decompress” and go for a walk, window-shop, take the dog out, have a bubble bath, or whatever else centres you.
· Lower expectations of yourself and others- try to stay in reality and stop fantasizing about having a “perfect holiday”. Be realistic and plan for the worst-case scenarios that are possible so that you’re prepared for them. And if they don’t happen, enjoy that!
· Remember that no matter how old we are now, when we’re with our family (especially parents), we revert to feeling like we’re about 10 years old and that’s just the way it is. Don’t fight it, but also frequently remind yourself that you are not a child; you are a grown woman and have choices.
· If you sense that getting together with family over the holidays would be very detrimental to your well-being (there are many families in this category), let go of guilt and opt out and spend the holidays with friends who make you feel really good and bring out the best in you. Some families really are toxic and you may need to set very intense boundaries in order to deal with them.
And lastly, remember that HOLIDAYS ARE TEMPORARY AND WILL BE OVER SOON, or in other words, “This too shall pass”… they aren’t meant to be an endurance test; they’re meant to be fun. It’s also really important to keep a positive attitude and remember to be playful and to not take stuff too seriously.
Peace to your and yours this holiday season…
Walker Desaulniers
In this article, I want to share some things I’ve learned doing family therapy over the years and give you some strategies for dealing with the “crazies” that are inevitably brought on by too much “family togetherness” during the holiday season. Dealing with family is, at the best of times, challenging. Add to that ‘great expectations’ (or fantasies) of one or more of the following:
· curling up with your loved ones in front of a roaring fire while sipping hot chocolate or mulled cider
· buying the “perfect” gift for a family member and delighting in the joy it brings them
· family gathering together from far and wide and putting all of their differences aside to enjoy a special holiday together wherein everybody gets along, there are no fights, and everybody is floating along the blissful sea of “family unity”
· preparing the “perfect” family dinner that everyone enthusiastically feasts on, appreciates deeply, and thanks you for endlessly from the bottom of their hearts (oh, and they also clean up while you sit with your feet up on the sofa)
· spending some “quality time” with a special relative you haven’t seen in a while; just the two of you
And I’m sure I haven’t covered them all! Feel free to add your own fantasy of the “perfect holiday” here…
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that the typical family holiday doesn’t usually look like any of the above! And why is this?
Why do we individually and collectively delude ourselves into believing that there is such a thing as the “perfect holiday” anyway? Why do we hold up such great hopes for the season, and then often end up landing flat on our faces in the mud full of sadness, anger, and great disappointment?
I’m sure many of you are screaming out, “The media!” and you’d be right. The illusion of perfectly happy, well-adjusted families gathering together in joy SELLS. It sells a lot! Down from men’s colognes, all the way up to new cars!
Guess when my busiest season is as a therapist? RIGHT AFTER THE WINTER HOLIDAYS! I don’t dare take a vacation at the beginning of January as my phone is ringing off the hook and people are desperate to come in and make sense of why they feel so many unpleasant feelings following being with their families-of-origin over the holiday season.
One thing I hear over and over again at this time of year is, “Why didn’t I see it coming? How did I end up in the same place AGAIN with my family after I’ve worked so hard on those relationships as an adult? How could I have been so stupid?”
While I feel that beating oneself up is pointless and unnecessarily damaging, I do feel that it makes sense to do all that we can in terms of healthy self-care when planning to spend time with family; especially during important holidays when everyone’s expectations are high and nerves are frayed.
Here are a few suggestions and ideas for taking care of yourself over the holidays that have worked for many of my clients:
· Limit the length of time you stay with family or have family stay with you to something that doesn’t make you want to hide out under the covers for days on end when you think about it (trust your gut- you’ll know what is the right length of time).
· If you’re surrounded by other people for a number of days and things begin to feel really intense, make sure you take some time away EVERY DAY- even plan your “alone time” for each day of the visit before the actual event and schedule around it. Take an hour to emotionally “decompress” and go for a walk, window-shop, take the dog out, have a bubble bath, or whatever else centres you.
· Lower expectations of yourself and others- try to stay in reality and stop fantasizing about having a “perfect holiday”. Be realistic and plan for the worst-case scenarios that are possible so that you’re prepared for them. And if they don’t happen, enjoy that!
· Remember that no matter how old we are now, when we’re with our family (especially parents), we revert to feeling like we’re about 10 years old and that’s just the way it is. Don’t fight it, but also frequently remind yourself that you are not a child; you are a grown woman and have choices.
· If you sense that getting together with family over the holidays would be very detrimental to your well-being (there are many families in this category), let go of guilt and opt out and spend the holidays with friends who make you feel really good and bring out the best in you. Some families really are toxic and you may need to set very intense boundaries in order to deal with them.
And lastly, remember that HOLIDAYS ARE TEMPORARY AND WILL BE OVER SOON, or in other words, “This too shall pass”… they aren’t meant to be an endurance test; they’re meant to be fun. It’s also really important to keep a positive attitude and remember to be playful and to not take stuff too seriously.
Peace to your and yours this holiday season…
Walker Desaulniers
Sharon Vaz asked:
Many adults are getting married with children already in the wings. The result – blended families – can be greatly rewarding, although not without conflict. This article highlights some areas of concern for blended families and how to deal with them.
It is not uncommon these days for couples to pursue remarriage with children already in tow. Blended family statistics show that at least one in three Americans is now a stepchild, stepparent, a stepsibling, or some part of a blended family.
Blended families are usually the result of remarriage after divorce, where both bride and groom have kids under their wings. Or perhaps it’s a first time wedding for two single parents. Whatever the reason, families that are united by virtue of marriage and not blood are on the rise, bringing hope and stability to many people’s lives.
Blended Family Remarriage Conflicts
It’s not much of a surprise, however, that kids who suddenly have to deal with a “stepmother” or “stepfather” tend to shy away, become closed off, or openly rebel towards change. It’s a normal blended family issue that can be dealt with successfully; one must be prepared for resistance though.
Another blended family problem that often crops up is experienced by adults who can’t deal with children that are not their own. This usually stems from the idea that because a child is not one’s own flesh and blood, one has no real right to get involved in that child’s life. Like every other blended family conflict, it can be dealt with positively and effectively.
If you are part of a stepfamily, you’re probably familiar with these and other situations. The good news is, these are all perfectly normal and each situation can be resolved given sufficient time, love, and understanding.
The following are some common stepfamily conflicts and how you can handle them positively, solidifying your family’s unity and strength.
The Blended Family – Start Off With A Statement
It’s a good idea to make a commitment from the very beginning of your relationship. Couples have found that engaging in a unity family ceremony during the wedding is a great way to encourage family members to accept and love each other.
Basically, a unity family ceremony is when the bride, groom, and children all take turns pouring different colored sand into a glass jar or vase, creating a unique symbol of their unity. Families can also recite a blended family vow for the wedding to verbally signify their commitment to unity and harmony. It’s a great step towards getting along with each other and is very conducive to the growth of familial relationships.
The Blended Family – Decide On Where to Live
A big factor in establishing harmony in a family is your place of residence after getting married. Obviously, there’s no place like home and some children resent the idea of having to move into a step-siblings house (while the original resident stepsibling doesn’t have to endure the same sacrifice). A new home for everyone means the entire family has to start over and everyone is equal. It can be refreshing and exciting to move into a new home together.
The Blended Family – Face and Bury Old Conflicts
If a family is formed after a remarriage, children and parents are liable to carry over hurts and resentments from the previous marriage that can affect the harmony of the new family. For example, anger towards ex-husbands or wives, disappointment in children that their biological parents won’t ever work things out – these things can be deeply painful to deal with.
It’s best to handle these issues in a loving, non-judgmental manner, with everyone agreeing to support each other until the emotional wounds have healed. Constant verbal support and affirmation, hugs and kisses, and other forms of affection can all have massive impact on individual feelings.
Being negative and standoffish will only perpetuate ill-feelings and disharmony. Start your remarriage by being positive and strong for others in all situations.
How to Build Blended Family Relationships
The overall secret to building a strong blended family is to pay attention to the feelings of everyone involved and to build good faith between each other as a result.
Regarding the issue of discipline: a parent can start exerting authority and instating rules once he or she has earned the trust of the children. You can do this by listening, empathizing, and taking a genuine liking to a child’s interests. Once you have proved you are for real and you truly care, they will trust you even when you discipline. It’s all about building caring relationships above anything else.
We wish all parents and children good luck as you strive to build a strong blended family. To quote the Beatles, “All you need is love.” That, in a nutshell, is what makes both natural and blended families work out.
Santiago Shank
Many adults are getting married with children already in the wings. The result – blended families – can be greatly rewarding, although not without conflict. This article highlights some areas of concern for blended families and how to deal with them.
It is not uncommon these days for couples to pursue remarriage with children already in tow. Blended family statistics show that at least one in three Americans is now a stepchild, stepparent, a stepsibling, or some part of a blended family.
Blended families are usually the result of remarriage after divorce, where both bride and groom have kids under their wings. Or perhaps it’s a first time wedding for two single parents. Whatever the reason, families that are united by virtue of marriage and not blood are on the rise, bringing hope and stability to many people’s lives.
Blended Family Remarriage Conflicts
It’s not much of a surprise, however, that kids who suddenly have to deal with a “stepmother” or “stepfather” tend to shy away, become closed off, or openly rebel towards change. It’s a normal blended family issue that can be dealt with successfully; one must be prepared for resistance though.
Another blended family problem that often crops up is experienced by adults who can’t deal with children that are not their own. This usually stems from the idea that because a child is not one’s own flesh and blood, one has no real right to get involved in that child’s life. Like every other blended family conflict, it can be dealt with positively and effectively.
If you are part of a stepfamily, you’re probably familiar with these and other situations. The good news is, these are all perfectly normal and each situation can be resolved given sufficient time, love, and understanding.
The following are some common stepfamily conflicts and how you can handle them positively, solidifying your family’s unity and strength.
The Blended Family – Start Off With A Statement
It’s a good idea to make a commitment from the very beginning of your relationship. Couples have found that engaging in a unity family ceremony during the wedding is a great way to encourage family members to accept and love each other.
Basically, a unity family ceremony is when the bride, groom, and children all take turns pouring different colored sand into a glass jar or vase, creating a unique symbol of their unity. Families can also recite a blended family vow for the wedding to verbally signify their commitment to unity and harmony. It’s a great step towards getting along with each other and is very conducive to the growth of familial relationships.
The Blended Family – Decide On Where to Live
A big factor in establishing harmony in a family is your place of residence after getting married. Obviously, there’s no place like home and some children resent the idea of having to move into a step-siblings house (while the original resident stepsibling doesn’t have to endure the same sacrifice). A new home for everyone means the entire family has to start over and everyone is equal. It can be refreshing and exciting to move into a new home together.
The Blended Family – Face and Bury Old Conflicts
If a family is formed after a remarriage, children and parents are liable to carry over hurts and resentments from the previous marriage that can affect the harmony of the new family. For example, anger towards ex-husbands or wives, disappointment in children that their biological parents won’t ever work things out – these things can be deeply painful to deal with.
It’s best to handle these issues in a loving, non-judgmental manner, with everyone agreeing to support each other until the emotional wounds have healed. Constant verbal support and affirmation, hugs and kisses, and other forms of affection can all have massive impact on individual feelings.
Being negative and standoffish will only perpetuate ill-feelings and disharmony. Start your remarriage by being positive and strong for others in all situations.
How to Build Blended Family Relationships
The overall secret to building a strong blended family is to pay attention to the feelings of everyone involved and to build good faith between each other as a result.
Regarding the issue of discipline: a parent can start exerting authority and instating rules once he or she has earned the trust of the children. You can do this by listening, empathizing, and taking a genuine liking to a child’s interests. Once you have proved you are for real and you truly care, they will trust you even when you discipline. It’s all about building caring relationships above anything else.
We wish all parents and children good luck as you strive to build a strong blended family. To quote the Beatles, “All you need is love.” That, in a nutshell, is what makes both natural and blended families work out.
Santiago Shank