Archive for the ‘Parenting’ Category
Christal asked:
(as in not to trust men outside of the immediate family)
(as in not to trust men outside of the immediate family)
I think this is a fairly good message for dads to teach their daughters but, I sometimes wonder if there might be some negative side effects to this.
Sorry….but i should clarify that i don’t mean “at all”….just when you first meet them, and even a good while after that.
Stanton Somerset
?They call me mom? asked:
I allow my daughters who are 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 to go with mom mom once a week. i feel that this is good for them as well as me because lets face it, it’s nice to be away from your kids once in a while and vice versa for the kids. I also know some people with 5 year olds who have NEVER been away from their mom or dad even for 5 minutes. What I would like opinions on is this; Is this really a smart thing to do? To not allow their children to spend time with grandma or another family memer that they trust? Will it affect their social skills once they start school if they spend every minute of every day with their mother?
Cassandra
I allow my daughters who are 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 to go with mom mom once a week. i feel that this is good for them as well as me because lets face it, it’s nice to be away from your kids once in a while and vice versa for the kids. I also know some people with 5 year olds who have NEVER been away from their mom or dad even for 5 minutes. What I would like opinions on is this; Is this really a smart thing to do? To not allow their children to spend time with grandma or another family memer that they trust? Will it affect their social skills once they start school if they spend every minute of every day with their mother?
Cassandra
Barbara Beccari asked:
As parents we all want to have strong and happy family relationships. Here are some ideas and questions you may like to consider to give your family a healthy boost this year!
Make listening to your children a priority. When you listen using open questions you can really learn how your children are feeling and can see the situation more clearly from their point of view. One of the healthiest messages you can give our children is that it is absolutely ok to talk about feelings. This is particularly so for boys, as they are sometimes conditioned to keep their feelings to themselves. How can you build more discussion about feelings into your interactions with your children? Open questions such as “How did you feel about that?” are a wonderful way to really understand what is going on for your children.
Concentrate more on the positive behaviour you see. Parents are often quick to comment on any misbehaviour, but do we really take time to notice the positive behaviour our children show us every day? Parents may say 5 to 7 times as many negatives to their children in a day as they do something positive! If we could turn this around what a much more positive environment we would create! Take some time to think about how you communicate with your children. Can you include more positive comments and reduce some of the negative, by ignoring, diverting or structuring what you say differently?
Respect each family member for “who” they are. Family members are all different. How can you show your family that you value these differences? How do you let your children know that you value their individual strengths and qualities? Do you tell them? Do they get to demonstrate these strengths through their responsibilities at home? For example, your daughter is a very organised person. Do you get her to help organise part of your upcoming holiday? When we build on our children’s strengths, like this, we give a boost to their self-esteem!
Offer your children some choice. When we make a conscious choice to share some of the power in the family we build closeness and trust, as well as children who are more able to make decisions! For example, you have trouble getting your son dressed for preschool. Instead of going into battle over the outfit can you give him a choice of two outfits from which he can choose? Your teen has the job of washing up but doesn’t want to do it directly after dinner. Can she do it within an agreed time frame instead? How much choice do you offer your children?
Make time to be together. Strong, connected families are ones who do things together. What regular family time together can you plan for the coming year? Will it be a family meal each evening with the TV off so precious conversations can happen? Will it be a special outing once a month? Is this something you could get the children’s opinions about?
Whatever you choose, may 2009 bring you healthy and close family relationships!
Tiffany
As parents we all want to have strong and happy family relationships. Here are some ideas and questions you may like to consider to give your family a healthy boost this year!
Make listening to your children a priority. When you listen using open questions you can really learn how your children are feeling and can see the situation more clearly from their point of view. One of the healthiest messages you can give our children is that it is absolutely ok to talk about feelings. This is particularly so for boys, as they are sometimes conditioned to keep their feelings to themselves. How can you build more discussion about feelings into your interactions with your children? Open questions such as “How did you feel about that?” are a wonderful way to really understand what is going on for your children.
Concentrate more on the positive behaviour you see. Parents are often quick to comment on any misbehaviour, but do we really take time to notice the positive behaviour our children show us every day? Parents may say 5 to 7 times as many negatives to their children in a day as they do something positive! If we could turn this around what a much more positive environment we would create! Take some time to think about how you communicate with your children. Can you include more positive comments and reduce some of the negative, by ignoring, diverting or structuring what you say differently?
Respect each family member for “who” they are. Family members are all different. How can you show your family that you value these differences? How do you let your children know that you value their individual strengths and qualities? Do you tell them? Do they get to demonstrate these strengths through their responsibilities at home? For example, your daughter is a very organised person. Do you get her to help organise part of your upcoming holiday? When we build on our children’s strengths, like this, we give a boost to their self-esteem!
Offer your children some choice. When we make a conscious choice to share some of the power in the family we build closeness and trust, as well as children who are more able to make decisions! For example, you have trouble getting your son dressed for preschool. Instead of going into battle over the outfit can you give him a choice of two outfits from which he can choose? Your teen has the job of washing up but doesn’t want to do it directly after dinner. Can she do it within an agreed time frame instead? How much choice do you offer your children?
Make time to be together. Strong, connected families are ones who do things together. What regular family time together can you plan for the coming year? Will it be a family meal each evening with the TV off so precious conversations can happen? Will it be a special outing once a month? Is this something you could get the children’s opinions about?
Whatever you choose, may 2009 bring you healthy and close family relationships!
Tiffany
Klublok Chung asked:
According to the Australian Tax Commission’s internet site, if a loved one becomes deceased, testamentary trust should be made.
A compact summary of testamentary trust can be stated as follows:
1. It is created by a will, and does not come into effect until after the individual who has penned the will has passesd away.
2. It is not the same as the trust that is made to carry out the estate plans.
3. It could have a predetermined expiry date, or be prepared to carry on for an indefinite time period.
4. It can be supervised by the will executor, a different beneficiary, or an external party.
The internet site also suggests that the information provided will not be adequate details for you to be able to prepare a testamentary trust.
If you find this obscure, do not be anxious. By talking to a professional estate planner, estate planning information can be acquired and additional particulars expressed.
A testamentary trust is a tool founded by a will that permits a legal guardian to be selected to administer a bequest on behalf of a beneficiary, in a way conveyed by the will.
A testamentary trust is especially accommodating if you are taking care of someone with an intellectual impairment. It helps to ensure that they are cared for and will continue to be after your death.
Frequent questions related to a testamentary trust are:
Does the legal guardian have to be a relation or can they be anyone, including someone salaried to represent on my behalf?
Will the legal guardian adhere stringently to your desires, or can they make substitute decisions if required?
If my family feels that the trustee is not making proper conclusions, what can they do about it?
To receive answers to these inquiries and others, seek a professional to assist you in arrangements for a testamentary trust for your estate plan.
Tambra Sonderman
According to the Australian Tax Commission’s internet site, if a loved one becomes deceased, testamentary trust should be made.
A compact summary of testamentary trust can be stated as follows:
1. It is created by a will, and does not come into effect until after the individual who has penned the will has passesd away.
2. It is not the same as the trust that is made to carry out the estate plans.
3. It could have a predetermined expiry date, or be prepared to carry on for an indefinite time period.
4. It can be supervised by the will executor, a different beneficiary, or an external party.
The internet site also suggests that the information provided will not be adequate details for you to be able to prepare a testamentary trust.
If you find this obscure, do not be anxious. By talking to a professional estate planner, estate planning information can be acquired and additional particulars expressed.
A testamentary trust is a tool founded by a will that permits a legal guardian to be selected to administer a bequest on behalf of a beneficiary, in a way conveyed by the will.
A testamentary trust is especially accommodating if you are taking care of someone with an intellectual impairment. It helps to ensure that they are cared for and will continue to be after your death.
Frequent questions related to a testamentary trust are:
Does the legal guardian have to be a relation or can they be anyone, including someone salaried to represent on my behalf?
Will the legal guardian adhere stringently to your desires, or can they make substitute decisions if required?
If my family feels that the trustee is not making proper conclusions, what can they do about it?
To receive answers to these inquiries and others, seek a professional to assist you in arrangements for a testamentary trust for your estate plan.
Tambra Sonderman
DR. DAN L. EDMUNDS asked:
Within the structure of the family are certain rules that are established that the members are to adhere to. These rules may not always be sensible, but nonetheless become a part of how the family operates. They are generally known, whether or not they always be followed. It is dependent on who is in control and what the consequences are for violation whether the family members adhere to the established rules of conducting themselves.
Children have moments of looking at themselves apart from the established structure. This becomes more pronounced in the teen years. This can become a major source of contention inwardly where the child sees himself in a way that may not meet to the approval of the family structure. The structure where authoritarianism reigns may shun the thought and creative expression of the child leading to repression of independent thought and action. The child is expected to do those things which protect and preserve the family structure. The structure may be faulty, but nonetheless it is maintained, at times violently so. Being a deviant from the structure can have dire consequences for the child, from within the family structure itself and as a result of the energies wasted in a struggle to change something where they have not been empowered to evoke change. They are left only to comply. Their unhappiness and discontent will be ignored to preserve the ‘integrity of the family structure.”
Often there exists the situation of self fulfilling prophecies within certain structures. What one hears they unfortunately become. If a child is told that he is a certain way, and this becomes a repetitive message, it is likely he will behave in like fashion. The child may repeat the very language he hears, not necesarily knowing its meaning, but knowing it conveys a feeling and can be used as a defense.
There exists at times in families, one who will do all possible to preserve the structure, no matter how dysfunctional it may be. This person often utilizes an authoritarian stance and expects their children to respect them solely for the sake of their presumed authority. Their objective is control, and the independent or creative nature of the child is looked upon as a deficit. The child’s only voice is to be the parental voice, if it is not, punishment will certainly come. This person is many times a person who implies the idea of ‘do as I say” but not necessarily as they do. This creates despair in the child, leading to states of hopelessness and depression. They may begin to question their sense of self, their own identity. They become anxious, fearful children who appear timid because they dare not speak something which could bring them punishment from the authority in charge of the structure. This learned behavior begins to manifest outside the family structure as well, as these are the children who then become easily swayed by peer influence. These are the children who do not really know themselves so they adopt the traits of those around them, seeking to gain acceptance and a sense of belonging. They are thus always victims of control. Once they branch out from the control of the authoritarian parent, they are bound to be controlled by some other party who will influence their decisions and deprive them of critical thought. They may not realize they are being controlled, thinking they are somehow apart because they belong to a ‘clan’ who dresses this different way or that, but nonetheless they are under the control of something or someone. These children are usually the underachievers. They are not sure of what to strive for, thus they often do not strive at all. They allow life to merely ‘happen’ rather than taking charge themselves.
The overacheiver is one bound by feelings of inadequacy and this often takes its roots in the familial structure. It is often in these situations where there exists a force within the family who has defined the rule of what it means to be ‘successful’. There is the constant pressure and drive to have the child to conform to expectations. Those with this structure in place highly value competitiveness. The siblings are often competing for attention for one another. It is often the only child or the firstborn who is placed in the glorified role. If they meet the expectation, they are heaped with praise, if they do not, they are likely to be cast aside. Once cast aside, or in the worst case, cut off from the family, they often enter into depressed states. They may seek various avenues to mask their feelings of inadequacy. These feelings of inadequacy may impair their future relationships. They may become those always striving for an unreachable ideal, always slightly out of reach. They cannot fully accept themselves in the present moment, but always want to be gaining or achieving more. They become individuals whose level of dissatisfaction can become immense.
There is the public image and the private image. This dichotomy often creates great confusion and distress and can lead the child to questioning of reality and their identity. What is meant by the public image is what the leader(s) of the family structure which to convey to the outside world, whereas the private image is that dysfunction which lies within that these individuals are wanting to conceal at whatever cost. Familial secrets exist, trust is lacking, and children are guarded about their expression. Children may be lied to and dilemmas between family members masked or suppressed. The real nature of things may be shrouded in confusion and ‘mystery’. Mixed messages may arise, or the members of the family may see themselves placed in ‘damned if you do and damned if you don’t situations.” Some family members may frustrate themselves in striving for the ‘ideal’ structure which never arrives.
In the dysfunctional structure, as in oppressive societal regimes, there are those who seek rebellion. Rebellion against the structure becomes more pronounced in the stage of adolescence where already the teenager is beginning to exert a greater sense of autonomy and desire to be apart from the familial structure. However, because children lack the resources for which to engage in a rebellion that could be successful, the rebellion is always squashed. What does this leave the child to do? They can do little but endure and await the period where they can break free from the strcuture that they find oppressive. What is termed ‘conduct’ problems is usually this desire to break free from what the child has pereceived as oppresive in their lives. Often without the appropriate guidance and ‘moral compass’ coming from the familial structure, their rebellion turns not just to fighting the familial structure, but the structures outside which also resemble the authority they have found oppressive. This type of rebellion is usually futile and self-destructive. There exists the warring between parents themselves, which cause the children to be placed in the predicament of divided loyalties, not knowing which parent to turn towards. There may exist the opposing styles, one parent who is permissive and one who is the authoritarian. This scenario leads to immense conflict.
In the worst scenarios, the combination of ‘seared in’ memories of trauma, with the dynamics as mentioned above leads to the disintegration of the person. Reality is too painful, and is questionable. Reality is not reliable. As a result, this member of the family seeks to ‘break out’ and develops the behavior that would be termed psychosis. They retreat into their own inner world, their own sense of reality and identity. This too is often a painful journey, but not anymore painful than the experience of the structure they have felt subjected to. Children in some structures are still viewed as ‘property’, therefore they are often enslaved to the faulty structures. Mere compliance does not earn one’s freedom but neither does active rebellion. Cycles exist, once a structure is learned, it is bound for continuation. The child in many instances will perpetuate the structure that they learned once they have their own family to lead. The stresses and trauma of one can often become the stresses and trauma of all, it becomes a collective trauma. The faulty structures within the family dynamics are seen in society as a whole. Therefore, we are all shaped by the society and the family structures in which we have encountered. Thus, concepts of ‘mental illness’ or the ‘unruly child’ all take shape and form by the experience one has in the family and ultimately in society. These are not biological processes, but rather social and political processes.
If the structure of family can instead become collective in its ideas of shared energy for problem solving, the allowance for independent thought and action, and the conception of freedom with responsibility, it may survive.
Micheal Rieske
Within the structure of the family are certain rules that are established that the members are to adhere to. These rules may not always be sensible, but nonetheless become a part of how the family operates. They are generally known, whether or not they always be followed. It is dependent on who is in control and what the consequences are for violation whether the family members adhere to the established rules of conducting themselves.
Children have moments of looking at themselves apart from the established structure. This becomes more pronounced in the teen years. This can become a major source of contention inwardly where the child sees himself in a way that may not meet to the approval of the family structure. The structure where authoritarianism reigns may shun the thought and creative expression of the child leading to repression of independent thought and action. The child is expected to do those things which protect and preserve the family structure. The structure may be faulty, but nonetheless it is maintained, at times violently so. Being a deviant from the structure can have dire consequences for the child, from within the family structure itself and as a result of the energies wasted in a struggle to change something where they have not been empowered to evoke change. They are left only to comply. Their unhappiness and discontent will be ignored to preserve the ‘integrity of the family structure.”
Often there exists the situation of self fulfilling prophecies within certain structures. What one hears they unfortunately become. If a child is told that he is a certain way, and this becomes a repetitive message, it is likely he will behave in like fashion. The child may repeat the very language he hears, not necesarily knowing its meaning, but knowing it conveys a feeling and can be used as a defense.
There exists at times in families, one who will do all possible to preserve the structure, no matter how dysfunctional it may be. This person often utilizes an authoritarian stance and expects their children to respect them solely for the sake of their presumed authority. Their objective is control, and the independent or creative nature of the child is looked upon as a deficit. The child’s only voice is to be the parental voice, if it is not, punishment will certainly come. This person is many times a person who implies the idea of ‘do as I say” but not necessarily as they do. This creates despair in the child, leading to states of hopelessness and depression. They may begin to question their sense of self, their own identity. They become anxious, fearful children who appear timid because they dare not speak something which could bring them punishment from the authority in charge of the structure. This learned behavior begins to manifest outside the family structure as well, as these are the children who then become easily swayed by peer influence. These are the children who do not really know themselves so they adopt the traits of those around them, seeking to gain acceptance and a sense of belonging. They are thus always victims of control. Once they branch out from the control of the authoritarian parent, they are bound to be controlled by some other party who will influence their decisions and deprive them of critical thought. They may not realize they are being controlled, thinking they are somehow apart because they belong to a ‘clan’ who dresses this different way or that, but nonetheless they are under the control of something or someone. These children are usually the underachievers. They are not sure of what to strive for, thus they often do not strive at all. They allow life to merely ‘happen’ rather than taking charge themselves.
The overacheiver is one bound by feelings of inadequacy and this often takes its roots in the familial structure. It is often in these situations where there exists a force within the family who has defined the rule of what it means to be ‘successful’. There is the constant pressure and drive to have the child to conform to expectations. Those with this structure in place highly value competitiveness. The siblings are often competing for attention for one another. It is often the only child or the firstborn who is placed in the glorified role. If they meet the expectation, they are heaped with praise, if they do not, they are likely to be cast aside. Once cast aside, or in the worst case, cut off from the family, they often enter into depressed states. They may seek various avenues to mask their feelings of inadequacy. These feelings of inadequacy may impair their future relationships. They may become those always striving for an unreachable ideal, always slightly out of reach. They cannot fully accept themselves in the present moment, but always want to be gaining or achieving more. They become individuals whose level of dissatisfaction can become immense.
There is the public image and the private image. This dichotomy often creates great confusion and distress and can lead the child to questioning of reality and their identity. What is meant by the public image is what the leader(s) of the family structure which to convey to the outside world, whereas the private image is that dysfunction which lies within that these individuals are wanting to conceal at whatever cost. Familial secrets exist, trust is lacking, and children are guarded about their expression. Children may be lied to and dilemmas between family members masked or suppressed. The real nature of things may be shrouded in confusion and ‘mystery’. Mixed messages may arise, or the members of the family may see themselves placed in ‘damned if you do and damned if you don’t situations.” Some family members may frustrate themselves in striving for the ‘ideal’ structure which never arrives.
In the dysfunctional structure, as in oppressive societal regimes, there are those who seek rebellion. Rebellion against the structure becomes more pronounced in the stage of adolescence where already the teenager is beginning to exert a greater sense of autonomy and desire to be apart from the familial structure. However, because children lack the resources for which to engage in a rebellion that could be successful, the rebellion is always squashed. What does this leave the child to do? They can do little but endure and await the period where they can break free from the strcuture that they find oppressive. What is termed ‘conduct’ problems is usually this desire to break free from what the child has pereceived as oppresive in their lives. Often without the appropriate guidance and ‘moral compass’ coming from the familial structure, their rebellion turns not just to fighting the familial structure, but the structures outside which also resemble the authority they have found oppressive. This type of rebellion is usually futile and self-destructive. There exists the warring between parents themselves, which cause the children to be placed in the predicament of divided loyalties, not knowing which parent to turn towards. There may exist the opposing styles, one parent who is permissive and one who is the authoritarian. This scenario leads to immense conflict.
In the worst scenarios, the combination of ‘seared in’ memories of trauma, with the dynamics as mentioned above leads to the disintegration of the person. Reality is too painful, and is questionable. Reality is not reliable. As a result, this member of the family seeks to ‘break out’ and develops the behavior that would be termed psychosis. They retreat into their own inner world, their own sense of reality and identity. This too is often a painful journey, but not anymore painful than the experience of the structure they have felt subjected to. Children in some structures are still viewed as ‘property’, therefore they are often enslaved to the faulty structures. Mere compliance does not earn one’s freedom but neither does active rebellion. Cycles exist, once a structure is learned, it is bound for continuation. The child in many instances will perpetuate the structure that they learned once they have their own family to lead. The stresses and trauma of one can often become the stresses and trauma of all, it becomes a collective trauma. The faulty structures within the family dynamics are seen in society as a whole. Therefore, we are all shaped by the society and the family structures in which we have encountered. Thus, concepts of ‘mental illness’ or the ‘unruly child’ all take shape and form by the experience one has in the family and ultimately in society. These are not biological processes, but rather social and political processes.
If the structure of family can instead become collective in its ideas of shared energy for problem solving, the allowance for independent thought and action, and the conception of freedom with responsibility, it may survive.
Micheal Rieske
Nicole Beurkens, M.Ed. asked:
The holidays can be both a joyful and stressful time for all families. This can especially be the case for families of individuals with autism or other neuro-developmental disabilities. If you’re racking your brain to come up with some excuses you can use to avoid a holiday event you dread, here are a few you can try out this year:
Top 10 Great Excuses to Use at the Holidays
There is a Sponge Bob marathon on TV, and we have to be home to tape it…all 24 hours of it.
The neighbors have had the flu, and I’m pretty sure we’re going to come down with it.
The kids hid the car keys—both sets.
Oh, was that today? I thought you said NEXT week!
The dog ate the green bean casserole we were supposed to bring, and we’d **** to show up empty handed.
I’ve gained a bunch of weight this year, and just won’t fit with 7 other people at a card table made for 4.
We’ve all developed a rare turkey allergy—can’t even be in the same room with it!
Sure, we’d be glad to come. Of course, we’ll have to bring our set of 3 new not-yet-house-trained puppies with us so they don’t get lonely.
We’ll be celebrating with the other side of the family this year.
We’re boycotting the holidays due to over-commercialization.
Don’t think any of those excuses will fly? Here are some real tips for reducing the hectic-ness and increasing the happiness in your holiday season:
It’s okay to say “No!”
Sometimes we feel compelled to say “yes” to every holiday invitation that comes our way. This can especially be the case with family events. You know your child’s limits and need to take those into consideration when setting up your holiday social calendar. You can say no while still being polite, and save yourself and your child a ton of grief in the process. Attend the events that are meaningful and important to you, and make other arrangements for your child if necessary. If you’re dreading it, then that’s a good sign you should gracefully opt out this year!
Arrange small quiet gatherings with family and friends.
One family I know celebrates the holidays with family extended family members in “shifts.” They invite a few over at a time in the weeks surrounding the holiday. This way they get to see everyone without overwhelming their children. They stay in their comfortable familiar environment, while family members take turns coming to visit them. No one is left out, and the experience is much more enjoyable for everyone involved.
Provide gift ideas.
If you’re worried about some of the gifts your child might receive this year, try to avoid the problem by providing family members with gift ideas. Don’t want a bunch of electronic games and toys? Make a list of games, craft supplies, books, and other things you would prefer for your kids. I also know some families who ask for gift cards that can be used toward things like therapy, therapeutic supplies, restaurants, or some of the favorite places their children like to visit.
Plan ahead.
When going to someone else’s home for the holidays, make sure you think about your children’s needs ahead of time. Bring plenty of activities, snacks, books, clothing, etc. that will help them feel comfortable and keep them occupied. It can also be helpful to find a quiet place at the location you will be visiting where you and your child can get away from the group. This way you have somewhere to go when you notice that your child is getting over-stimulated or just needs a break.
Don’t be afraid to communicate your needs.
While there will always be some people, family members included, who don’t understand the need for accommodations, most people want to be supportive. If there are things that will help make the experience more enjoyable and tolerable for your child then let others know that. This can include making requests that people not wear perfume, that others not give your child food you didn’t bring with you, or that they allow your child some time to “warm up” before trying to talk to him/her or give hugs. Think about the things you know cause your child to feel uncomfortable or react negatively, and communicate some simple things others can do to accommodate him/her.
The holidays are supposed to be a time of peace, joy, and happiness. Don’t sacrifice those things for yourself and your child by accommodating everyone else. Plan ahead, trust your instincts, and when all else fails—come up with a great excuse!
Emilia Lane
The holidays can be both a joyful and stressful time for all families. This can especially be the case for families of individuals with autism or other neuro-developmental disabilities. If you’re racking your brain to come up with some excuses you can use to avoid a holiday event you dread, here are a few you can try out this year:
Top 10 Great Excuses to Use at the Holidays
There is a Sponge Bob marathon on TV, and we have to be home to tape it…all 24 hours of it.
The neighbors have had the flu, and I’m pretty sure we’re going to come down with it.
The kids hid the car keys—both sets.
Oh, was that today? I thought you said NEXT week!
The dog ate the green bean casserole we were supposed to bring, and we’d **** to show up empty handed.
I’ve gained a bunch of weight this year, and just won’t fit with 7 other people at a card table made for 4.
We’ve all developed a rare turkey allergy—can’t even be in the same room with it!
Sure, we’d be glad to come. Of course, we’ll have to bring our set of 3 new not-yet-house-trained puppies with us so they don’t get lonely.
We’ll be celebrating with the other side of the family this year.
We’re boycotting the holidays due to over-commercialization.
Don’t think any of those excuses will fly? Here are some real tips for reducing the hectic-ness and increasing the happiness in your holiday season:
It’s okay to say “No!”
Sometimes we feel compelled to say “yes” to every holiday invitation that comes our way. This can especially be the case with family events. You know your child’s limits and need to take those into consideration when setting up your holiday social calendar. You can say no while still being polite, and save yourself and your child a ton of grief in the process. Attend the events that are meaningful and important to you, and make other arrangements for your child if necessary. If you’re dreading it, then that’s a good sign you should gracefully opt out this year!
Arrange small quiet gatherings with family and friends.
One family I know celebrates the holidays with family extended family members in “shifts.” They invite a few over at a time in the weeks surrounding the holiday. This way they get to see everyone without overwhelming their children. They stay in their comfortable familiar environment, while family members take turns coming to visit them. No one is left out, and the experience is much more enjoyable for everyone involved.
Provide gift ideas.
If you’re worried about some of the gifts your child might receive this year, try to avoid the problem by providing family members with gift ideas. Don’t want a bunch of electronic games and toys? Make a list of games, craft supplies, books, and other things you would prefer for your kids. I also know some families who ask for gift cards that can be used toward things like therapy, therapeutic supplies, restaurants, or some of the favorite places their children like to visit.
Plan ahead.
When going to someone else’s home for the holidays, make sure you think about your children’s needs ahead of time. Bring plenty of activities, snacks, books, clothing, etc. that will help them feel comfortable and keep them occupied. It can also be helpful to find a quiet place at the location you will be visiting where you and your child can get away from the group. This way you have somewhere to go when you notice that your child is getting over-stimulated or just needs a break.
Don’t be afraid to communicate your needs.
While there will always be some people, family members included, who don’t understand the need for accommodations, most people want to be supportive. If there are things that will help make the experience more enjoyable and tolerable for your child then let others know that. This can include making requests that people not wear perfume, that others not give your child food you didn’t bring with you, or that they allow your child some time to “warm up” before trying to talk to him/her or give hugs. Think about the things you know cause your child to feel uncomfortable or react negatively, and communicate some simple things others can do to accommodate him/her.
The holidays are supposed to be a time of peace, joy, and happiness. Don’t sacrifice those things for yourself and your child by accommodating everyone else. Plan ahead, trust your instincts, and when all else fails—come up with a great excuse!
Emilia Lane
Adella Klein asked:
Once you’ve decided have children, being a good parent becomes the single most important part of your life. As a parent, you’re shaping a human being and everything you do will now have a direct impact on your children.
Fostering a healthy living environment is the best way to ensure your family remains happy and healthy for years to come.
Follow these five easy steps to family success:
1. Plan Family Activities. A family that plays together, stays together. Okay, that may sound a little cliché, but it’s true. Whether they’re babies, toddlers or teenagers, kids love getting out of the house and doing something fun. Planning annual vacations, playing sports together (mini golfing, bowling etc.) and having weekly movie nights are all great ways to make the most of the time your family spends together.
2. Be a Parent and a Friend. When it comes to your children, you’ll need to find a balance between being their enforcer and their friend. While it’s your job to make certain rules, it’s also your job to instil a trusting relationship with your children (especially when they hit their teenage years) so they feel comfortable coming to you when they need help. If your children are being honest with you (even if you don’t like what they’re telling you), make sure you tell them how much you appreciate their openness.
3. Teach Your Children about *** Education. Sexual education can be an awkward topic between parents and children. And, while schools are doing a great job of teaching children about sexual health, it’s still your job as a parent to discuss these issues with your kids. When the time is right, talking to your children about condoms and birth control and teaching them about the importance of safe *** will help to eliminate some of their concerns and may prevent unwanted situations from arising in the future.
4. Present a United Front. If you and your husband/wife are still together, it’s important to present a united front to your children. This means keeping your personal conflicts away from your children and agreeing on decisions that are made. If you argue in front of your children, they know they can play the two of you against each other. This will cause even more conflict and will result in a dysfunctional family environment.
5. Reward Good Behaviour. When your children do something good (regardless of their age), it’s important to reward their behaviour and acknowledge that you’ve noticed their actions. Sometimes it’s so easy to focus on the bad behaviour and the punishment that we forget to reward the good stuff. Positive reinforcement is always a great parenting technique and will help your children grow up to be the nurturing, respectful adults every parent hopes for.
Archie Arzilli
Once you’ve decided have children, being a good parent becomes the single most important part of your life. As a parent, you’re shaping a human being and everything you do will now have a direct impact on your children.
Fostering a healthy living environment is the best way to ensure your family remains happy and healthy for years to come.
Follow these five easy steps to family success:
1. Plan Family Activities. A family that plays together, stays together. Okay, that may sound a little cliché, but it’s true. Whether they’re babies, toddlers or teenagers, kids love getting out of the house and doing something fun. Planning annual vacations, playing sports together (mini golfing, bowling etc.) and having weekly movie nights are all great ways to make the most of the time your family spends together.
2. Be a Parent and a Friend. When it comes to your children, you’ll need to find a balance between being their enforcer and their friend. While it’s your job to make certain rules, it’s also your job to instil a trusting relationship with your children (especially when they hit their teenage years) so they feel comfortable coming to you when they need help. If your children are being honest with you (even if you don’t like what they’re telling you), make sure you tell them how much you appreciate their openness.
3. Teach Your Children about *** Education. Sexual education can be an awkward topic between parents and children. And, while schools are doing a great job of teaching children about sexual health, it’s still your job as a parent to discuss these issues with your kids. When the time is right, talking to your children about condoms and birth control and teaching them about the importance of safe *** will help to eliminate some of their concerns and may prevent unwanted situations from arising in the future.
4. Present a United Front. If you and your husband/wife are still together, it’s important to present a united front to your children. This means keeping your personal conflicts away from your children and agreeing on decisions that are made. If you argue in front of your children, they know they can play the two of you against each other. This will cause even more conflict and will result in a dysfunctional family environment.
5. Reward Good Behaviour. When your children do something good (regardless of their age), it’s important to reward their behaviour and acknowledge that you’ve noticed their actions. Sometimes it’s so easy to focus on the bad behaviour and the punishment that we forget to reward the good stuff. Positive reinforcement is always a great parenting technique and will help your children grow up to be the nurturing, respectful adults every parent hopes for.
Archie Arzilli
mommyme asked:
OK, this is the last step for me before I enroll all of us in some good ol’ family counseling – I would deeply appreciate any suggestions on this! We have 3 children that we have adopted through the foster system (all under the age of 8). I am struggling for many reasons (disobedience, etc.) but the primary one is that I don’t trust two of my children. I realize they came from quacky backgrounds and some of their actions are understandable, but how do we function in a family unit without trust? It seems like everytime we turn around we (or grandparents or teachers) are being lied to and manipulated by them. We are always on our toes, and have now become accusatory, too. How can we build the trust in our family? Thanks for you suggestions!
Sammy Koogler
OK, this is the last step for me before I enroll all of us in some good ol’ family counseling – I would deeply appreciate any suggestions on this! We have 3 children that we have adopted through the foster system (all under the age of 8). I am struggling for many reasons (disobedience, etc.) but the primary one is that I don’t trust two of my children. I realize they came from quacky backgrounds and some of their actions are understandable, but how do we function in a family unit without trust? It seems like everytime we turn around we (or grandparents or teachers) are being lied to and manipulated by them. We are always on our toes, and have now become accusatory, too. How can we build the trust in our family? Thanks for you suggestions!
Sammy Koogler