Archive for March, 2009
Denice Gierach asked:
As published in the Naperville Sun
By Denice Gierach
September 28, 2008
Now that autumn has officially arrived, many people have spent fond memories of visits with their family in a vacation property. Perhaps you own a vacation property in Michigan along the water or at Eagle Ridge in Galena on the golf course. Wherever the property is located, one important question is how to keep the vacation home in the family after you have passed on.
All vacation homes require maintenance from painting, sealcoating decks, replacing HVAC units, replacing roofs and on and on. If you have a number of children, how will they determine who will pay for these items? How will they decide which child can use the residence and when? Can your family even agree on decisions of this nature once you are gone?
One of the first things to do is to talk with your adult children about whether they wish to have the vacation home stay in the family. Many times you may assume that the children who enjoy the use of the home while you are there will want the responsibility of maintaining the residence and paying the real estate taxes and other expenses on the property. This may be an incorrect assumption, as your children may be raising their own children and have inadequate time or resources to even use the vacation residence. You may be surprised with the answers that you receive from your family.
If you find that your children do not want to keep the house in the family, you may wish to sell the property when the real estate market improves. If, however, you find that your children really enjoy the property and intend to use it with their families, then there are choices of what to do with the property. For instance, you can transfer your interest into a limited liability company, which will protect your family from a lawsuit if someone slips and falls on that property. It may also provide some level of asset protection.
If you decide to use the limited liability company, you should have rules in the form of an operating agreement that will indicate how decisions will be made with respect to the property, what to do in the event that the property requires maintenance, when additional funds may be needed for the property, when the property should be sold, who will be the manager of the property, to name a few. These are all important decisions that will hopefully keep the family from disputes when you are no longer around to settle them.
In addition, to include your family in the limited liability company, you will need to make gifts of part of your interest in such company over time. Under current tax law, you may make gifts of $12,000 per person per year ($24,000 if your spouse joins in the gift) before using some of your lifetime exemption amount. You will need to consult with your tax professional or estate planning attorney to decide what is appropriate in the way of a gift to your family members.
There are a number of other ways to handle the transfer of the vacation residence to the next generation and keep it in the family, such as a qualified personal residence trust, a cost-sharing arrangement or a partnership. Whatever way you may choose, it is best for you to be the one making the decision during your lifetime to minimize friction among your children about the use and care of this vacation residence.
Gordon Pando
As published in the Naperville Sun
By Denice Gierach
September 28, 2008
Now that autumn has officially arrived, many people have spent fond memories of visits with their family in a vacation property. Perhaps you own a vacation property in Michigan along the water or at Eagle Ridge in Galena on the golf course. Wherever the property is located, one important question is how to keep the vacation home in the family after you have passed on.
All vacation homes require maintenance from painting, sealcoating decks, replacing HVAC units, replacing roofs and on and on. If you have a number of children, how will they determine who will pay for these items? How will they decide which child can use the residence and when? Can your family even agree on decisions of this nature once you are gone?
One of the first things to do is to talk with your adult children about whether they wish to have the vacation home stay in the family. Many times you may assume that the children who enjoy the use of the home while you are there will want the responsibility of maintaining the residence and paying the real estate taxes and other expenses on the property. This may be an incorrect assumption, as your children may be raising their own children and have inadequate time or resources to even use the vacation residence. You may be surprised with the answers that you receive from your family.
If you find that your children do not want to keep the house in the family, you may wish to sell the property when the real estate market improves. If, however, you find that your children really enjoy the property and intend to use it with their families, then there are choices of what to do with the property. For instance, you can transfer your interest into a limited liability company, which will protect your family from a lawsuit if someone slips and falls on that property. It may also provide some level of asset protection.
If you decide to use the limited liability company, you should have rules in the form of an operating agreement that will indicate how decisions will be made with respect to the property, what to do in the event that the property requires maintenance, when additional funds may be needed for the property, when the property should be sold, who will be the manager of the property, to name a few. These are all important decisions that will hopefully keep the family from disputes when you are no longer around to settle them.
In addition, to include your family in the limited liability company, you will need to make gifts of part of your interest in such company over time. Under current tax law, you may make gifts of $12,000 per person per year ($24,000 if your spouse joins in the gift) before using some of your lifetime exemption amount. You will need to consult with your tax professional or estate planning attorney to decide what is appropriate in the way of a gift to your family members.
There are a number of other ways to handle the transfer of the vacation residence to the next generation and keep it in the family, such as a qualified personal residence trust, a cost-sharing arrangement or a partnership. Whatever way you may choose, it is best for you to be the one making the decision during your lifetime to minimize friction among your children about the use and care of this vacation residence.
Gordon Pando
Dr. Mario Barrett, Ph.D. asked:
Throughout history, there have been larger than life figures such as George Washington, who led his young fractured nation’s army into a battle for independence. Corporate titans such as Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, and Steve Jobs have led the employees and shareholders of their organizations to financial success, while others like you and I have used our influence to lead family and friends to make improvements in their lives. I would like to point out that the key ingredient in all of these leadership interactions is that of the leader-follower relationship.Without this ingredient there would be no independence, no organizational successes, and no improvements in the lives of our friends and family (per these cases). But, what compels us to follow a given individual? What is it about certain individuals that makes us willing to follow them?
One of my dissertation committee members wrote a paper exploring the relationship between trust and leadership and the role that it plays in the leader-follower relationship. His research revealed that there is a correlation between the level of trust followers have in an individual’s ability to effectively serve their agenda and their willingness to follow his/her vision. Trust is a concept that has significant meaning for most of us, as many of us have deep seeded issues with the concept stemming from childhood and young adulthood.
A family member letting us down, time and time again, kids teasing us in our youth, or that first love that broke our heart can begin our subconscious process of erecting invisible walls around us for protection. These walls make it very difficult for many of us to trust others as we try to function in adulthood. This is why many of us tend to be sceptical or wary of the intentions of others. Nevertheless, history has taught us that trust is an essential ingredient when it comes to leadership. Therefore, work needs to be done by both follower and leader. The follower must work to overcome his/her barriers to trust, while the leader must consistently demonstrate the traits associated with trust to his/her followers. But, what is trust as it relates to leadership?
Trust in the context of leadership means that the follower believes that the leader has a shared commitment and the ability to effectively lead him/her towards a vision that he/she may not be able to pursue without the leader’s assistance and guidance. Trust is at the core of the leader-follower relationship. Without trust, little progress pertaining to a given vision can take place. Therefore, an individual who wants to lead must establish and maintain trust with his/her followers.
Here are some of the traits that an individual must have or develop if he/she is looking to establish and maintain trust in those that he/she may lead:
A shared commitment to a given movement or cause with followers.
A vision for the movement or cause.
A commitment to his/her followers’ success.
A satisfactory level of competence to plan and accomplish the tasks needed to achieve the movement as assessed and determined by the followers.
The use of fairness when dealing with followers.
The willingness and ability to meet the needs of followers, even if it may mean that at times he/she may sacrifice his/her own desires.
The willingness and ability to listen to the views and ideas of followers.
These traits are essential to establishing and maintaining the leader-follower relationship. Do you possess these traits? If not, and your goal is to be a leader then you have work to do.
Mohammad Montreuil
Throughout history, there have been larger than life figures such as George Washington, who led his young fractured nation’s army into a battle for independence. Corporate titans such as Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, and Steve Jobs have led the employees and shareholders of their organizations to financial success, while others like you and I have used our influence to lead family and friends to make improvements in their lives. I would like to point out that the key ingredient in all of these leadership interactions is that of the leader-follower relationship.Without this ingredient there would be no independence, no organizational successes, and no improvements in the lives of our friends and family (per these cases). But, what compels us to follow a given individual? What is it about certain individuals that makes us willing to follow them?
One of my dissertation committee members wrote a paper exploring the relationship between trust and leadership and the role that it plays in the leader-follower relationship. His research revealed that there is a correlation between the level of trust followers have in an individual’s ability to effectively serve their agenda and their willingness to follow his/her vision. Trust is a concept that has significant meaning for most of us, as many of us have deep seeded issues with the concept stemming from childhood and young adulthood.
A family member letting us down, time and time again, kids teasing us in our youth, or that first love that broke our heart can begin our subconscious process of erecting invisible walls around us for protection. These walls make it very difficult for many of us to trust others as we try to function in adulthood. This is why many of us tend to be sceptical or wary of the intentions of others. Nevertheless, history has taught us that trust is an essential ingredient when it comes to leadership. Therefore, work needs to be done by both follower and leader. The follower must work to overcome his/her barriers to trust, while the leader must consistently demonstrate the traits associated with trust to his/her followers. But, what is trust as it relates to leadership?
Trust in the context of leadership means that the follower believes that the leader has a shared commitment and the ability to effectively lead him/her towards a vision that he/she may not be able to pursue without the leader’s assistance and guidance. Trust is at the core of the leader-follower relationship. Without trust, little progress pertaining to a given vision can take place. Therefore, an individual who wants to lead must establish and maintain trust with his/her followers.
Here are some of the traits that an individual must have or develop if he/she is looking to establish and maintain trust in those that he/she may lead:
A shared commitment to a given movement or cause with followers.
A vision for the movement or cause.
A commitment to his/her followers’ success.
A satisfactory level of competence to plan and accomplish the tasks needed to achieve the movement as assessed and determined by the followers.
The use of fairness when dealing with followers.
The willingness and ability to meet the needs of followers, even if it may mean that at times he/she may sacrifice his/her own desires.
The willingness and ability to listen to the views and ideas of followers.
These traits are essential to establishing and maintaining the leader-follower relationship. Do you possess these traits? If not, and your goal is to be a leader then you have work to do.
Mohammad Montreuil
Steven Sears asked:
I am going to describe all of the methods that you have at your disposal to protect yourself, your assets and your wealth. All of these methods or tools, as I refer to them, are not only legal and ethical, they are essential to protecting and preserving what is yours.
Think of these techniques as building blocks. You can either build a short wall just to keep prying eyes off of you and your assets or you can use these building blocks to construct an impenetrable fortress around you, your family, your business and your assets – a fortress so strong and tall that no one will ever know who lives in it or what it contains. Now that’s privacy!
You can use a few building blocks, or you can use as many as your circumstances warrant, it’s strictly up to you and your own particular needs. These building blocks fall into five categories. They include Estate Planning, Asset Protection, Offshore Asset Protection, Timing and Planning and Additional Strategies.
There are a wealth of tools and strategies contained within each of these categories from which you can choose to protect all of your assets and wealth including: Living Trusts, Insurance Trusts, Children’s Trusts, Corporations and Limited Liability Companies.
Think of it this way, if you lose all of your assets and wealth to the IRS, a lawsuit, a debilitating disease, injury, divorce, bankruptcy or creditors, it will only be because of one reason – you didn’t plan ahead. It’s just that simple. Asset protection is all about planning; planning well in advance of the time when you might need it.
The best time to implement one or all of these methods is when you are healthy, clear thinking and you still have your property, money, investments and possessions – not after trouble begins.
Alvin Glanton
I am going to describe all of the methods that you have at your disposal to protect yourself, your assets and your wealth. All of these methods or tools, as I refer to them, are not only legal and ethical, they are essential to protecting and preserving what is yours.
Think of these techniques as building blocks. You can either build a short wall just to keep prying eyes off of you and your assets or you can use these building blocks to construct an impenetrable fortress around you, your family, your business and your assets – a fortress so strong and tall that no one will ever know who lives in it or what it contains. Now that’s privacy!
You can use a few building blocks, or you can use as many as your circumstances warrant, it’s strictly up to you and your own particular needs. These building blocks fall into five categories. They include Estate Planning, Asset Protection, Offshore Asset Protection, Timing and Planning and Additional Strategies.
There are a wealth of tools and strategies contained within each of these categories from which you can choose to protect all of your assets and wealth including: Living Trusts, Insurance Trusts, Children’s Trusts, Corporations and Limited Liability Companies.
Think of it this way, if you lose all of your assets and wealth to the IRS, a lawsuit, a debilitating disease, injury, divorce, bankruptcy or creditors, it will only be because of one reason – you didn’t plan ahead. It’s just that simple. Asset protection is all about planning; planning well in advance of the time when you might need it.
The best time to implement one or all of these methods is when you are healthy, clear thinking and you still have your property, money, investments and possessions – not after trouble begins.
Alvin Glanton
Charles Shaw asked:
Vallejo Family law is the name given to the branch of civil law that a family lawyer or a Vallejo family law lawyer covers. Basically, a Vallejo family law lawyer spends 99% of their fime with divorces, but here’s what a Vallejo family law lawyer would say if you asked them what they do…
I handle all sorts of law including, but not limited to: the legal relationships among family members, including husbands, wives, parents, children, and domestic partners. As a Vallejo family law lawyer, I specialize in the family law relationships which encompass adoption, child custody, visitation rights, and domestic violence. As a Vallejo family law lawyer, I also litigate cases involving divorce, juvenile dependency and delinquency, marital property rights, support obligations, and paternity.
If you’re thinking of meeting with a Vallejo family law lawyer, this is a comprehensive list of everything you might need
1. Information about your marital status:
All marriage information (past and present).
2. Personal information about you and your spouse:
Full names and dates of birth of all your children (natural and adopted).
Full legal names and contact information.
Date and place of births.
3. Summary of your assets:
You need to tell your Vallejo family law lawyer the location of safety deposit box and important papers.
You need to tell your Vallejo family law lawyer the Location of cash, bank accounts, securities, deeds, etc., with account numbers.
4. Summary of debts
You need to tell your Vallejo family law lawyer about any any debts, such as loans, guarantees, promissory notes, mortgages, and amount owed and to whom (include held by you for others).
5. Outline of legacies and legatees.
Do you have alternative legatees (beneficiaries) in case designated legatees predecease you or cannot be located?
To whom do you want specific bequests to go and the details of each bequest?
Who are important persons or organizations in your life and why?
In the event that you and your spouse (and/or children) are killed in a common disaster (e.g. auto or plane crash), how do you want your estate to be distributed?
Do you have minor children or disabled children? At what age do you want your children to have access to their bequest?
Do you have any forced heirs (children who have not attained age 24 or are not physically or mentally capable of caring for their estates)?
Have you considered setting up a testamentary trust to have some or all of your assets in your estate managed on your death on behalf of your spouse, children or other persons?
6. Names of people in your will who will represent your interests?
The names of your executor, trustee, lawyer and guardian for minor children with alternates and their contact information.
Do they know that you have designated them and the location of your legal documents.
7. Other information to obtain:
You need to tell your Vallejo family law lawyer if you have considered a “living will” and “power of attorney”?
Where do you want to leave the original copy of your will? (i.e. safety deposit box, lawyer, trust company).
You need to tell your Vallejo family law lawyer the names and addresses of your financial or personal/business advisers, lawyer and/or trust company
What are your burial wishes and funeral service instructions?
Have you discussed your will with a tax accountant and financial planner to make sure you have taken advantage of all tax and estate planning strategies available?
Does your spouse have a will? If so, when was it signed, where is it located, and when was it last reviewed?
Major Eilertson
Vallejo Family law is the name given to the branch of civil law that a family lawyer or a Vallejo family law lawyer covers. Basically, a Vallejo family law lawyer spends 99% of their fime with divorces, but here’s what a Vallejo family law lawyer would say if you asked them what they do…
I handle all sorts of law including, but not limited to: the legal relationships among family members, including husbands, wives, parents, children, and domestic partners. As a Vallejo family law lawyer, I specialize in the family law relationships which encompass adoption, child custody, visitation rights, and domestic violence. As a Vallejo family law lawyer, I also litigate cases involving divorce, juvenile dependency and delinquency, marital property rights, support obligations, and paternity.
If you’re thinking of meeting with a Vallejo family law lawyer, this is a comprehensive list of everything you might need
1. Information about your marital status:
All marriage information (past and present).
2. Personal information about you and your spouse:
Full names and dates of birth of all your children (natural and adopted).
Full legal names and contact information.
Date and place of births.
3. Summary of your assets:
You need to tell your Vallejo family law lawyer the location of safety deposit box and important papers.
You need to tell your Vallejo family law lawyer the Location of cash, bank accounts, securities, deeds, etc., with account numbers.
4. Summary of debts
You need to tell your Vallejo family law lawyer about any any debts, such as loans, guarantees, promissory notes, mortgages, and amount owed and to whom (include held by you for others).
5. Outline of legacies and legatees.
Do you have alternative legatees (beneficiaries) in case designated legatees predecease you or cannot be located?
To whom do you want specific bequests to go and the details of each bequest?
Who are important persons or organizations in your life and why?
In the event that you and your spouse (and/or children) are killed in a common disaster (e.g. auto or plane crash), how do you want your estate to be distributed?
Do you have minor children or disabled children? At what age do you want your children to have access to their bequest?
Do you have any forced heirs (children who have not attained age 24 or are not physically or mentally capable of caring for their estates)?
Have you considered setting up a testamentary trust to have some or all of your assets in your estate managed on your death on behalf of your spouse, children or other persons?
6. Names of people in your will who will represent your interests?
The names of your executor, trustee, lawyer and guardian for minor children with alternates and their contact information.
Do they know that you have designated them and the location of your legal documents.
7. Other information to obtain:
You need to tell your Vallejo family law lawyer if you have considered a “living will” and “power of attorney”?
Where do you want to leave the original copy of your will? (i.e. safety deposit box, lawyer, trust company).
You need to tell your Vallejo family law lawyer the names and addresses of your financial or personal/business advisers, lawyer and/or trust company
What are your burial wishes and funeral service instructions?
Have you discussed your will with a tax accountant and financial planner to make sure you have taken advantage of all tax and estate planning strategies available?
Does your spouse have a will? If so, when was it signed, where is it located, and when was it last reviewed?
Major Eilertson
Lauren Ellerman asked:
Clients frequently tell us they trusted the nursing home or assisted living facility to take care of their loved one. We also hear clients say they assumed their regular visits to the nursing home or assisted living facility would encourage staff to provide better care for their family member. Well, that may be true but your presence in the room or down the hall is not enough.
Frustrated family members concerned about the level of care their loved one is receiving call often. Most of the time, their complaints cannot and should not be addressed by filing a lawsuit – so we provide more general advice. That advice is as follows:
Be Organized:
Keep a diary or a log of every visit to the nursing home or assisted living facility and include the following information:
- Date / time of visit.
- Location – where your loved one was upon arrival.
- Complaints – stained clothes, sheets, food problems, no water? Write the complaints down.
- Notify staff – make a written and verbal complaint to the charge nurse. Write down her name, and what she said would be done about the problem.
- Follow up – next time you are there and ask the nurse what has been done. Ask to see the chart where the corrected action should have been documented.
Document Your Complaints:
If the problem continues take photographs; send a letter to the nursing home administrator requesting a conference. Ask that staff receive further training. Ask to see the facility’s policies and procedures (you have this right under the Virginia Administrative Code) and compare what the staff is doing with what is required by the facility’s policies and procedures.
Complain to State/Local Authorities:
If the problems get worse, or a single accident causes harm, call your local Department of Social Services (each County has one) and ask to speak to Adult Protective Services. File a complaint. You may call the Virginia Department of Health (1-800-955-1919) and file a complaint with them as well.
How to Work with Attending Physicians:
Many attending physicians also serve as Medical Directors to the facility. They are only obligated to review a resident’s chart and or examine them, pursuant to Medicare requirements, and when a change in condition occurs. Ask to speak to the attending physician after each visit to determine whether there has been a change in condition. If it is a routine visit, contact the physician to find out what was examined. If medications are changed, ask why? Be curious, and write down the answers you receive. We have discovered in our cases where some nurses actually will draft the physician’s orders and then call the physician after the fact, just to get their “ok”.
What to do if a Fall Occurs:
If a fall occurs immediately go the facility. Ask for the name of individual who found your loved one. Where was the fall? What was he wearing? Was there medical equipment involved? Write all of this down. Who examined your family member to assess their status after the fall? Who determined that no injury occurred? Did a roommate witness the fall?
Follow up with the charge nurse – ask what is being done to prevent another fall. Ask to attend the Fall Committee’s next conference when your family member is being discussed.
Also, consider the context of the fall – what time of day? Where were they going? Had they asked for help? Do they have the ability to ask for help? Is your family member taking any new medications which may cause dizziness?
What if Your Resident Stops Eating:
We hear staff say all the time – “we tried to get her to eat, but she refused.” Is that true? What is the facility policy? I am certain the policy doesn’t say, “if resident refuses to eat discontinue attempts.” It likely requires staff to provide an alternative or supplement until the resident gets needed calories. Malnutrition can lead to the development of decubitus ulcers and prevents existing decubitus ulcers from healing.
Review the chart. Can your loved one see to eat? Can he or she feed themself? What about the food – will he eat what you bring? If so – tell the nurse and ask them to chart it. Patient refusal is a big excuse given by facilities when problems occur.
Discuss supplements, intravenous nutrition, energy bars – there are ways to get needed calories in. Is the physician aware? Make him aware.
Conclusion:
There are too many possible problems in a nursing home setting to anticipate or touch on here. However, it is important to be a diligent family member who takes notes and knows about the care provided, including who is providing the care. Also, VISIT, VISIT OFTEN – bring other family, ministers, anyone who will go. A supportive family can mean the difference between good care and poor care.
Benton Tapaoan
Clients frequently tell us they trusted the nursing home or assisted living facility to take care of their loved one. We also hear clients say they assumed their regular visits to the nursing home or assisted living facility would encourage staff to provide better care for their family member. Well, that may be true but your presence in the room or down the hall is not enough.
Frustrated family members concerned about the level of care their loved one is receiving call often. Most of the time, their complaints cannot and should not be addressed by filing a lawsuit – so we provide more general advice. That advice is as follows:
Be Organized:
Keep a diary or a log of every visit to the nursing home or assisted living facility and include the following information:
- Date / time of visit.
- Location – where your loved one was upon arrival.
- Complaints – stained clothes, sheets, food problems, no water? Write the complaints down.
- Notify staff – make a written and verbal complaint to the charge nurse. Write down her name, and what she said would be done about the problem.
- Follow up – next time you are there and ask the nurse what has been done. Ask to see the chart where the corrected action should have been documented.
Document Your Complaints:
If the problem continues take photographs; send a letter to the nursing home administrator requesting a conference. Ask that staff receive further training. Ask to see the facility’s policies and procedures (you have this right under the Virginia Administrative Code) and compare what the staff is doing with what is required by the facility’s policies and procedures.
Complain to State/Local Authorities:
If the problems get worse, or a single accident causes harm, call your local Department of Social Services (each County has one) and ask to speak to Adult Protective Services. File a complaint. You may call the Virginia Department of Health (1-800-955-1919) and file a complaint with them as well.
How to Work with Attending Physicians:
Many attending physicians also serve as Medical Directors to the facility. They are only obligated to review a resident’s chart and or examine them, pursuant to Medicare requirements, and when a change in condition occurs. Ask to speak to the attending physician after each visit to determine whether there has been a change in condition. If it is a routine visit, contact the physician to find out what was examined. If medications are changed, ask why? Be curious, and write down the answers you receive. We have discovered in our cases where some nurses actually will draft the physician’s orders and then call the physician after the fact, just to get their “ok”.
What to do if a Fall Occurs:
If a fall occurs immediately go the facility. Ask for the name of individual who found your loved one. Where was the fall? What was he wearing? Was there medical equipment involved? Write all of this down. Who examined your family member to assess their status after the fall? Who determined that no injury occurred? Did a roommate witness the fall?
Follow up with the charge nurse – ask what is being done to prevent another fall. Ask to attend the Fall Committee’s next conference when your family member is being discussed.
Also, consider the context of the fall – what time of day? Where were they going? Had they asked for help? Do they have the ability to ask for help? Is your family member taking any new medications which may cause dizziness?
What if Your Resident Stops Eating:
We hear staff say all the time – “we tried to get her to eat, but she refused.” Is that true? What is the facility policy? I am certain the policy doesn’t say, “if resident refuses to eat discontinue attempts.” It likely requires staff to provide an alternative or supplement until the resident gets needed calories. Malnutrition can lead to the development of decubitus ulcers and prevents existing decubitus ulcers from healing.
Review the chart. Can your loved one see to eat? Can he or she feed themself? What about the food – will he eat what you bring? If so – tell the nurse and ask them to chart it. Patient refusal is a big excuse given by facilities when problems occur.
Discuss supplements, intravenous nutrition, energy bars – there are ways to get needed calories in. Is the physician aware? Make him aware.
Conclusion:
There are too many possible problems in a nursing home setting to anticipate or touch on here. However, it is important to be a diligent family member who takes notes and knows about the care provided, including who is providing the care. Also, VISIT, VISIT OFTEN – bring other family, ministers, anyone who will go. A supportive family can mean the difference between good care and poor care.
Benton Tapaoan
Sig Yanosway asked:
Everyone has a story about their family experience – some of them will make you laugh and fill you with a sense of warmth, some will make you cry and some will leave you completely outraged. However, regardless of your own family story or the family stories of others play out, there are going to be times when families struggle with everyday issues, with mental and physical health problems and any number of challenges that threaten to divide the family unit. In these cases, family counseling is often the answer.
Family counseling is all about helping families to come together and to function more effectively. Family counseling is a valuable asset for those families in which husband and wife are having issues with trust and yet both want to be sure that the kids are not negatively impacted by the situation. Likewise, family counseling is a great idea for those who are looking for answers that will help them to better come to terms with behavioral problems that the children have and that parents are having trouble knowing what the right course of action is.
Communication problems, blending families and making sure that strong relationships are build with step parents and step siblings along with relationship issues between parents: these issues – whether they exist independently or in combination – are often motivating factors for looking into family counseling. What most people who do pursue family counseling quickly discover is that they are in a position to better communicate and to find the words that will help them to describe what they are feeling. In addition, those who look into family counseling are likely to find that the environment fosters more than just communication.
With family counseling, each individual within the family is given the chance to really talk out what they are feeling, why they have certain insecurities and, at the same time, to explore their strengths. Family counseling is effective because it creates an environment in which each member of the family feels more comfortable and confident and is able to receive the support that they need from other members of the family.
Ultimately, while family counseling is something that can be beneficial after situations have become difficult to manage, sometimes family counseling is most effective at the earliest signs that there might be a problem. By looking into family counseling at the onset rather than waiting until the situation is out of control, families will find that they are able to improve communication, establish trust and to foster the types of relationships that they really want to have with one another.
No matter what a family’s experience has been, family counseling can help to provide the guidance necessary to build strong relationships. By making it possible for every member of the family to not only talk about their feelings and experiences but also to be heard, family counseling can bring families back together, can provide structure and can help to create the sort of family unit that most families crave but do not know how to establish. acp13243546ch
James Redmond
Everyone has a story about their family experience – some of them will make you laugh and fill you with a sense of warmth, some will make you cry and some will leave you completely outraged. However, regardless of your own family story or the family stories of others play out, there are going to be times when families struggle with everyday issues, with mental and physical health problems and any number of challenges that threaten to divide the family unit. In these cases, family counseling is often the answer.
Family counseling is all about helping families to come together and to function more effectively. Family counseling is a valuable asset for those families in which husband and wife are having issues with trust and yet both want to be sure that the kids are not negatively impacted by the situation. Likewise, family counseling is a great idea for those who are looking for answers that will help them to better come to terms with behavioral problems that the children have and that parents are having trouble knowing what the right course of action is.
Communication problems, blending families and making sure that strong relationships are build with step parents and step siblings along with relationship issues between parents: these issues – whether they exist independently or in combination – are often motivating factors for looking into family counseling. What most people who do pursue family counseling quickly discover is that they are in a position to better communicate and to find the words that will help them to describe what they are feeling. In addition, those who look into family counseling are likely to find that the environment fosters more than just communication.
With family counseling, each individual within the family is given the chance to really talk out what they are feeling, why they have certain insecurities and, at the same time, to explore their strengths. Family counseling is effective because it creates an environment in which each member of the family feels more comfortable and confident and is able to receive the support that they need from other members of the family.
Ultimately, while family counseling is something that can be beneficial after situations have become difficult to manage, sometimes family counseling is most effective at the earliest signs that there might be a problem. By looking into family counseling at the onset rather than waiting until the situation is out of control, families will find that they are able to improve communication, establish trust and to foster the types of relationships that they really want to have with one another.
No matter what a family’s experience has been, family counseling can help to provide the guidance necessary to build strong relationships. By making it possible for every member of the family to not only talk about their feelings and experiences but also to be heard, family counseling can bring families back together, can provide structure and can help to create the sort of family unit that most families crave but do not know how to establish. acp13243546ch
James Redmond
Kevin Von Tungeln asked:
When hotel heiress and billionaire Leona Helmsley died in 2007, her pet Maltese, Trouble, became the beneficiary of a $12 million pet trust that Helmsley had established as part of her estate plan. Mrs. Helmsley cared very deeply for her animal companion. Although she left money in her will for Trouble, she failed to secure a legally enforceable pet trust to ensure that her beloved Trouble would be provided for even after her death.
Most pet owners won’t have the resources available to provide for their pets to the extent that Mrs. Helmsley did. In fact, according to Lawyers Weekly USA, the average amount left to pets is closer to $25,000. But, like Mrs. Helmsley, most pet owners are concerned about providing long-term care for their pets, and want to make sure that their wishes are carried out in the event of their death or disability.
As a pet owner in California, you can create a pet trust that will provide for the care of your “beloved pet” when you are no longer able to care for the pet yourself. Pet trusts are more secure than simply leaving money in your will, and provide specific instruction for the caretaker and beneficiary of the trust. To begin planning for the care of your pet, you should identify a family member or friend who you would trust to care for your pet and who would be willing to provide for the animal’s care. A pet trust allows you to designate this trusted person as your pet’s trustee. In California, your trustee will be legally obligated to make arrangements for the proper care of your pet, according to your instruction. They will also hold the money and/or property that you transfer to the trust for the benefit of the pet. In addition to the pet’s trustee, you may also designate a caregiver, or beneficiary, who will be responsible for caring for the pet over the lifespan of the animal.
Because California pet trusts are legally enforceable arrangements, as a pet owner, you can be assured that the instruction you provide regarding your pet’s care will be carried out. A trust can be very specific, so it is important to discuss your pet’s health needs, care, and routine with your designated caregiver. For example, if your cat is allergic to a particular brand of food, or your dog needs to be bathed once a week, this can be specified in the trust agreement.
As a pet owner, you know your pet’s particular habits and needs better than anyone else. With a pet trust, you can describe the kind of care your pet should have, and you can list the trusted people who would be willing to provide that care. If you are a pet owner who wants to establish a pet trust, or otherwise provide long-term care for your pet, a qualified estate planning attorney who has experience creating pet trusts in California will be able to help you understand your pet trust planning options, and will be able to assist you in designing a pet trust that meets your needs and those of your pets.
Dixie Peon
When hotel heiress and billionaire Leona Helmsley died in 2007, her pet Maltese, Trouble, became the beneficiary of a $12 million pet trust that Helmsley had established as part of her estate plan. Mrs. Helmsley cared very deeply for her animal companion. Although she left money in her will for Trouble, she failed to secure a legally enforceable pet trust to ensure that her beloved Trouble would be provided for even after her death.
Most pet owners won’t have the resources available to provide for their pets to the extent that Mrs. Helmsley did. In fact, according to Lawyers Weekly USA, the average amount left to pets is closer to $25,000. But, like Mrs. Helmsley, most pet owners are concerned about providing long-term care for their pets, and want to make sure that their wishes are carried out in the event of their death or disability.
As a pet owner in California, you can create a pet trust that will provide for the care of your “beloved pet” when you are no longer able to care for the pet yourself. Pet trusts are more secure than simply leaving money in your will, and provide specific instruction for the caretaker and beneficiary of the trust. To begin planning for the care of your pet, you should identify a family member or friend who you would trust to care for your pet and who would be willing to provide for the animal’s care. A pet trust allows you to designate this trusted person as your pet’s trustee. In California, your trustee will be legally obligated to make arrangements for the proper care of your pet, according to your instruction. They will also hold the money and/or property that you transfer to the trust for the benefit of the pet. In addition to the pet’s trustee, you may also designate a caregiver, or beneficiary, who will be responsible for caring for the pet over the lifespan of the animal.
Because California pet trusts are legally enforceable arrangements, as a pet owner, you can be assured that the instruction you provide regarding your pet’s care will be carried out. A trust can be very specific, so it is important to discuss your pet’s health needs, care, and routine with your designated caregiver. For example, if your cat is allergic to a particular brand of food, or your dog needs to be bathed once a week, this can be specified in the trust agreement.
As a pet owner, you know your pet’s particular habits and needs better than anyone else. With a pet trust, you can describe the kind of care your pet should have, and you can list the trusted people who would be willing to provide that care. If you are a pet owner who wants to establish a pet trust, or otherwise provide long-term care for your pet, a qualified estate planning attorney who has experience creating pet trusts in California will be able to help you understand your pet trust planning options, and will be able to assist you in designing a pet trust that meets your needs and those of your pets.
Dixie Peon
Esther Kane asked:
In this article, I want to share some things I’ve learned doing family therapy over the years and give you some strategies for dealing with the “crazies” that are inevitably brought on by too much “family togetherness” during the holiday season. Dealing with family is, at the best of times, challenging. Add to that ‘great expectations’ (or fantasies) of one or more of the following:
· curling up with your loved ones in front of a roaring fire while sipping hot chocolate or mulled cider
· buying the “perfect” gift for a family member and delighting in the joy it brings them
· family gathering together from far and wide and putting all of their differences aside to enjoy a special holiday together wherein everybody gets along, there are no fights, and everybody is floating along the blissful sea of “family unity”
· preparing the “perfect” family dinner that everyone enthusiastically feasts on, appreciates deeply, and thanks you for endlessly from the bottom of their hearts (oh, and they also clean up while you sit with your feet up on the sofa)
· spending some “quality time” with a special relative you haven’t seen in a while; just the two of you
And I’m sure I haven’t covered them all! Feel free to add your own fantasy of the “perfect holiday” here…
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that the typical family holiday doesn’t usually look like any of the above! And why is this?
Why do we individually and collectively delude ourselves into believing that there is such a thing as the “perfect holiday” anyway? Why do we hold up such great hopes for the season, and then often end up landing flat on our faces in the mud full of sadness, anger, and great disappointment?
I’m sure many of you are screaming out, “The media!” and you’d be right. The illusion of perfectly happy, well-adjusted families gathering together in joy SELLS. It sells a lot! Down from men’s colognes, all the way up to new cars!
Guess when my busiest season is as a therapist? RIGHT AFTER THE WINTER HOLIDAYS! I don’t dare take a vacation at the beginning of January as my phone is ringing off the hook and people are desperate to come in and make sense of why they feel so many unpleasant feelings following being with their families-of-origin over the holiday season.
One thing I hear over and over again at this time of year is, “Why didn’t I see it coming? How did I end up in the same place AGAIN with my family after I’ve worked so hard on those relationships as an adult? How could I have been so stupid?”
While I feel that beating oneself up is pointless and unnecessarily damaging, I do feel that it makes sense to do all that we can in terms of healthy self-care when planning to spend time with family; especially during important holidays when everyone’s expectations are high and nerves are frayed.
Here are a few suggestions and ideas for taking care of yourself over the holidays that have worked for many of my clients:
· Limit the length of time you stay with family or have family stay with you to something that doesn’t make you want to hide out under the covers for days on end when you think about it (trust your gut- you’ll know what is the right length of time).
· If you’re surrounded by other people for a number of days and things begin to feel really intense, make sure you take some time away EVERY DAY- even plan your “alone time” for each day of the visit before the actual event and schedule around it. Take an hour to emotionally “decompress” and go for a walk, window-shop, take the dog out, have a bubble bath, or whatever else centres you.
· Lower expectations of yourself and others- try to stay in reality and stop fantasizing about having a “perfect holiday”. Be realistic and plan for the worst-case scenarios that are possible so that you’re prepared for them. And if they don’t happen, enjoy that!
· Remember that no matter how old we are now, when we’re with our family (especially parents), we revert to feeling like we’re about 10 years old and that’s just the way it is. Don’t fight it, but also frequently remind yourself that you are not a child; you are a grown woman and have choices.
· If you sense that getting together with family over the holidays would be very detrimental to your well-being (there are many families in this category), let go of guilt and opt out and spend the holidays with friends who make you feel really good and bring out the best in you. Some families really are toxic and you may need to set very intense boundaries in order to deal with them.
And lastly, remember that HOLIDAYS ARE TEMPORARY AND WILL BE OVER SOON, or in other words, “This too shall pass”… they aren’t meant to be an endurance test; they’re meant to be fun. It’s also really important to keep a positive attitude and remember to be playful and to not take stuff too seriously.
Peace to your and yours this holiday season…
Walker Desaulniers
In this article, I want to share some things I’ve learned doing family therapy over the years and give you some strategies for dealing with the “crazies” that are inevitably brought on by too much “family togetherness” during the holiday season. Dealing with family is, at the best of times, challenging. Add to that ‘great expectations’ (or fantasies) of one or more of the following:
· curling up with your loved ones in front of a roaring fire while sipping hot chocolate or mulled cider
· buying the “perfect” gift for a family member and delighting in the joy it brings them
· family gathering together from far and wide and putting all of their differences aside to enjoy a special holiday together wherein everybody gets along, there are no fights, and everybody is floating along the blissful sea of “family unity”
· preparing the “perfect” family dinner that everyone enthusiastically feasts on, appreciates deeply, and thanks you for endlessly from the bottom of their hearts (oh, and they also clean up while you sit with your feet up on the sofa)
· spending some “quality time” with a special relative you haven’t seen in a while; just the two of you
And I’m sure I haven’t covered them all! Feel free to add your own fantasy of the “perfect holiday” here…
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that the typical family holiday doesn’t usually look like any of the above! And why is this?
Why do we individually and collectively delude ourselves into believing that there is such a thing as the “perfect holiday” anyway? Why do we hold up such great hopes for the season, and then often end up landing flat on our faces in the mud full of sadness, anger, and great disappointment?
I’m sure many of you are screaming out, “The media!” and you’d be right. The illusion of perfectly happy, well-adjusted families gathering together in joy SELLS. It sells a lot! Down from men’s colognes, all the way up to new cars!
Guess when my busiest season is as a therapist? RIGHT AFTER THE WINTER HOLIDAYS! I don’t dare take a vacation at the beginning of January as my phone is ringing off the hook and people are desperate to come in and make sense of why they feel so many unpleasant feelings following being with their families-of-origin over the holiday season.
One thing I hear over and over again at this time of year is, “Why didn’t I see it coming? How did I end up in the same place AGAIN with my family after I’ve worked so hard on those relationships as an adult? How could I have been so stupid?”
While I feel that beating oneself up is pointless and unnecessarily damaging, I do feel that it makes sense to do all that we can in terms of healthy self-care when planning to spend time with family; especially during important holidays when everyone’s expectations are high and nerves are frayed.
Here are a few suggestions and ideas for taking care of yourself over the holidays that have worked for many of my clients:
· Limit the length of time you stay with family or have family stay with you to something that doesn’t make you want to hide out under the covers for days on end when you think about it (trust your gut- you’ll know what is the right length of time).
· If you’re surrounded by other people for a number of days and things begin to feel really intense, make sure you take some time away EVERY DAY- even plan your “alone time” for each day of the visit before the actual event and schedule around it. Take an hour to emotionally “decompress” and go for a walk, window-shop, take the dog out, have a bubble bath, or whatever else centres you.
· Lower expectations of yourself and others- try to stay in reality and stop fantasizing about having a “perfect holiday”. Be realistic and plan for the worst-case scenarios that are possible so that you’re prepared for them. And if they don’t happen, enjoy that!
· Remember that no matter how old we are now, when we’re with our family (especially parents), we revert to feeling like we’re about 10 years old and that’s just the way it is. Don’t fight it, but also frequently remind yourself that you are not a child; you are a grown woman and have choices.
· If you sense that getting together with family over the holidays would be very detrimental to your well-being (there are many families in this category), let go of guilt and opt out and spend the holidays with friends who make you feel really good and bring out the best in you. Some families really are toxic and you may need to set very intense boundaries in order to deal with them.
And lastly, remember that HOLIDAYS ARE TEMPORARY AND WILL BE OVER SOON, or in other words, “This too shall pass”… they aren’t meant to be an endurance test; they’re meant to be fun. It’s also really important to keep a positive attitude and remember to be playful and to not take stuff too seriously.
Peace to your and yours this holiday season…
Walker Desaulniers
Laura Garrison asked:
Trust can be construed as one of the greatest of all assets. Its presence signifies an ability to move forward in life rather than be in contention with it.
Whatever we hold in our mind instantly takes on energetic form and thus manifests into physical form. When we distrust ourselves and those around us, we energetically set ourselves up for disappointment. When we trust, we feel at ease and at peace even in the face of adversity. Many of us, however, have been challenged by circumstantial setbacks, sometimes of such immense magnitude in our lives that we wonder if there will be another day worth working for. I, for one, have found myself disheartened to the point of being immobilized and questioning each and every decision I had once so calmly made.
Shouting “Why me?” at our Creator
When we meet with setbacks and disappointments in our lives, it’s easy to become discouraged and distrusting of ourselves and others. I experienced having a friend renege on several long-standing and very pivotal business agreements that cost me not only tens of thousands of dollars in income and countless hours of lost time, it also cost the trust and friendships of other business partners as well. What ensued was a collapse of many of the business models and relationships that had taken years to build. Things went over like dominoes, in a sense, one agreement, relationship or friendship, hinging on another.
Was I angry? Of course.
Dealing with Disappointment
I was thus faced with rebuilding my business and reinventing who I was when all my financial reserves were literally and completely gone. My once perfect credit had vanished and my credit lines were cancelled. People that I put first, ahead of my own well being, people I thought would stand by me through thick and thin, quickly and quietly disappeared. My family of origin, including a sister who had come into a sizeable inheritance through a man she married decided that I was the pariah and ceased contact, holding me personally responsible when, in fact, I was doing the very best I could to remedy the situation. My husband, though he insisted otherwise, inwardly blamed me for much of what happened. He would be up for less than an hour in the morning before the dry heaves would begin, and he shut down emotionally to the point that he required medication to get through each day.
Virtually everything we had worked for had been devastated: our business, our finances, our home, and our health. It was a “horrific train wreck of an accident without the blood and guts” according to one of the attorneys involved.
Beginning Again: Polarities
The only way out of a situation, quite often, is to simply go through that situation. Yet, as saddened and disappointed as I was in my circumstances, I decided that every day above the ground was still reason to celebrate. As bad as things were, I decided the place where I had landed in my life just was not worth dying for. I could choose to begin again or fold. Each of us is faced with this same choice on a daily basis in many ways and on a multitude of levels.
Disappointment in some form is an integral part of life and in order to experience success we all must face setbacks or disappointments. Allowing ourselves to become paralyzed and contemptuous, however, can bring about more of the same feelings, behaviors, and responses from the world around us, thereby exacerbating an already glum situation. We’re crushed, we feel defeated, and we wonder if life is even worth getting out of bed for in the morning. From an observer’s point of view, we can often clearly see when another becomes caught in the vicious cycle of self-imposed setback and downfall yet seeing that within our own lives requires the knowledge and trust that we are on a journey of self-evolvement.
Knowing that there is a polarity of setbacks and successes can give us the necessary confidence to maintain our trust in ourselves and focus forward on our goals. The gift is in the release and detachment that trust requires, both of ourselves and of those around us. Perhaps the most pivotal message sometimes is not about us at all. Sometimes the lesson is about the others whom we are involved with, people we have been selected to teach.
Growth is change and change can sometimes be quite painful until we move into the new state of awareness that growth always brings with it. When adversities appear in our lives we can embrace the gift of Life and of the new awareness the adversity has within it or we can choose to ruminate to the point of becoming heartbroken and powerless in our lives-a place of arrested development and sometimes death. And why choose a permanent solution such as death for a temporary situation in your life? All situations are indeed temporary; no matter how good or bad, the situation will always end.
Life is an upward spiral of learning, experiences, growth and awareness. We can choose chaos or we can choose peace. Likewise, we can also choose to embrace the inherent lessons along the way.
Krysta Stant
Trust can be construed as one of the greatest of all assets. Its presence signifies an ability to move forward in life rather than be in contention with it.
Whatever we hold in our mind instantly takes on energetic form and thus manifests into physical form. When we distrust ourselves and those around us, we energetically set ourselves up for disappointment. When we trust, we feel at ease and at peace even in the face of adversity. Many of us, however, have been challenged by circumstantial setbacks, sometimes of such immense magnitude in our lives that we wonder if there will be another day worth working for. I, for one, have found myself disheartened to the point of being immobilized and questioning each and every decision I had once so calmly made.
Shouting “Why me?” at our Creator
When we meet with setbacks and disappointments in our lives, it’s easy to become discouraged and distrusting of ourselves and others. I experienced having a friend renege on several long-standing and very pivotal business agreements that cost me not only tens of thousands of dollars in income and countless hours of lost time, it also cost the trust and friendships of other business partners as well. What ensued was a collapse of many of the business models and relationships that had taken years to build. Things went over like dominoes, in a sense, one agreement, relationship or friendship, hinging on another.
Was I angry? Of course.
Dealing with Disappointment
I was thus faced with rebuilding my business and reinventing who I was when all my financial reserves were literally and completely gone. My once perfect credit had vanished and my credit lines were cancelled. People that I put first, ahead of my own well being, people I thought would stand by me through thick and thin, quickly and quietly disappeared. My family of origin, including a sister who had come into a sizeable inheritance through a man she married decided that I was the pariah and ceased contact, holding me personally responsible when, in fact, I was doing the very best I could to remedy the situation. My husband, though he insisted otherwise, inwardly blamed me for much of what happened. He would be up for less than an hour in the morning before the dry heaves would begin, and he shut down emotionally to the point that he required medication to get through each day.
Virtually everything we had worked for had been devastated: our business, our finances, our home, and our health. It was a “horrific train wreck of an accident without the blood and guts” according to one of the attorneys involved.
Beginning Again: Polarities
The only way out of a situation, quite often, is to simply go through that situation. Yet, as saddened and disappointed as I was in my circumstances, I decided that every day above the ground was still reason to celebrate. As bad as things were, I decided the place where I had landed in my life just was not worth dying for. I could choose to begin again or fold. Each of us is faced with this same choice on a daily basis in many ways and on a multitude of levels.
Disappointment in some form is an integral part of life and in order to experience success we all must face setbacks or disappointments. Allowing ourselves to become paralyzed and contemptuous, however, can bring about more of the same feelings, behaviors, and responses from the world around us, thereby exacerbating an already glum situation. We’re crushed, we feel defeated, and we wonder if life is even worth getting out of bed for in the morning. From an observer’s point of view, we can often clearly see when another becomes caught in the vicious cycle of self-imposed setback and downfall yet seeing that within our own lives requires the knowledge and trust that we are on a journey of self-evolvement.
Knowing that there is a polarity of setbacks and successes can give us the necessary confidence to maintain our trust in ourselves and focus forward on our goals. The gift is in the release and detachment that trust requires, both of ourselves and of those around us. Perhaps the most pivotal message sometimes is not about us at all. Sometimes the lesson is about the others whom we are involved with, people we have been selected to teach.
Growth is change and change can sometimes be quite painful until we move into the new state of awareness that growth always brings with it. When adversities appear in our lives we can embrace the gift of Life and of the new awareness the adversity has within it or we can choose to ruminate to the point of becoming heartbroken and powerless in our lives-a place of arrested development and sometimes death. And why choose a permanent solution such as death for a temporary situation in your life? All situations are indeed temporary; no matter how good or bad, the situation will always end.
Life is an upward spiral of learning, experiences, growth and awareness. We can choose chaos or we can choose peace. Likewise, we can also choose to embrace the inherent lessons along the way.
Krysta Stant
Dr. Dan Kaufman asked:
Communicating with your teenager can be difficult under the best of circumstances. After a crisis or a challenge in your relationship, like finding out that they are using drugs or alcohol it can be even more difficult. Your communication may reach a point where both of you are on the defensive and trust has been replaced with a belief that it’s impossible to communicate without it leading to anger and hurt feelings.
Do you wish you could simply push replay and go back to the way things were? Can you find a place inside of you that can be cautious and yet open to the possibility of change and realistic yet connected to the loving connection that lays beneath the armor that has been built around your love for one another?
Here are 7 Key Thoughts to keep in mind when you find yourself in that situation. They are not magic bullets but if you can commit to applying them on a regular basis you can peel away the hurt and replace it with the love that is buried beneath it.
1. LISTEN
The most important key to good communication is listening. Easier said then done though. The mind does not listen easily without filtering what it hears so listening takes focus, concentration, willingness, and curiosity. The more layers of hurt and mistrust have developed the more important it is to develop your listening muscle.
A simple measure of whether or not your really listening is to reflect on whether you’re really hearing what the other is saying or preparing in your mind what you’re going to say to make your point. If you find yourself preparing for what to say bring yourself back to listening.
2. BE PRESENT
Being present is the underlying skill required for good listening. Our mind tends to wander off into thoughts of what has happened before, what we believe or worry will happen tomorrow, what we will say next. When our minds go to these places there is usually a physical component to it. When we are present we feel calm, centered and focused. When we are in fear, anger, or anticipation, we feel tension in the body. It might be in the shoulders, the jaw, the muscles of the face, or in the chest. The body registers our emotions and recognizing the signs we can learn to release into the moment.
Learning breathing or centering techniques we can notice when we go away and bring ourselves back. See if you can notice how you go away in your daily conversations. Notice where in your body you feel the emotions. See if you can notice, breathe, let go, and bring yourself back. Try this with comfortable situations before trying it with highly charged interactions.
3. SEEK TO UNDERSTAND
As humans, our tendency is to want to make our own points and to have others understand us. It’s a whole different ballgame when we have to put away our positions, commit to listening and understanding, and take the risk finding out that we are wrong. Research shows that in at least 95 % of difficult situations in which we are challenged or will potentially be embarrassed, we get defensive. It takes courage to put our own needs aside and be open to learning something that may change our perceptions about how things are.
When you’re in conversations see if you can put aside your point of view, be fiercely curious and ask questions so that you’re sure you’re understand. If, even for the moment you can open yourself to the possibility of learning something that changes your paradigm, you’re on the way to mutual learning that transforms both you and the other person.
4. BE COMPASSIONITE
It takes two to move through misunderstanding and mistrust. Recognize that you are both human beings trying your best to live happy healthy and satisfying lives. We all feel pain and act in ways that we would prefer we did not. Having compassion for this shared aspect of being human is a way to build bridges to feeling closer and building trust. Even when it seems that the other is out to get us you can assume that they’re doing the best they know how to get the outcomes they would like.
When you’re in a difficult conversation, see if you can connect with this commonality that we all share called humanness and let go of judgment.
5. AGREE ON UNDERSTANDINGS
We all hear what we want to hear. How many conversations have you had in which you later compare your understanding of the outcome only to find out that you had different ideas about what you agreed to or what your expectations were. It’s much more productive in the long run and will result in many fewer disagreements later if you strategies for developing a mutual understanding of what you’ve said and agreed to.
When you are in conversation ask for clarifications when you don’t understand. At the end of your conversation go over the main points that you’ve covered and reached agreement on and write them down. Having something concrete later will help avoid rehashing disagreements that arise from not understanding and agreeing at the time.
6. FOCUS ON FEELINGS
Often, rather than talking about our feelings, we make declarations or interrogate someone else about their intentions. This happens often with parents and teens. A parent will say “I want you home for family dinner on Sunday.” The teen responds with “but I have plans. I’m going to spend time with my friends”. The parent responds “I don’t know why your friends are more important than your family” Why can’t you make the family a priority just once?” What’s left out of this conversation on the part of the parent is why would like the young person to be home. Something more than just because!
Sharing your feelings can open the way to understanding and a willingness on the part of your teen to make an exception. In the above example the parent might say “You know, I really miss having you around more. I miss having us altogether as a family now that you’re older and doing more things with your friends. Let’s plan a Sunday dinner together. What works for you?”
7. ACQUIRE PATIENCE
Perhaps the hardest skill of all. We live in a remote control world in which the worlds problems are solved during a half hour TV show. When we’re involved in difficult situations that are uncomfortable for us we want the situation and our discomfort to end quickly.
Start thinking about small successes. Things didn’t get difficult in a day nor will they be resolved in one day. Celebrate small steps you make in improving your relationships and give each other pats on the back for the hard work that you are both doing.
Communication can be difficult especially when feelings have been hurt or trust has been damaged. Use these tools as guidelines for finding your way back to more caring and loving relationships with those that you care about.
Matilde Tara
Communicating with your teenager can be difficult under the best of circumstances. After a crisis or a challenge in your relationship, like finding out that they are using drugs or alcohol it can be even more difficult. Your communication may reach a point where both of you are on the defensive and trust has been replaced with a belief that it’s impossible to communicate without it leading to anger and hurt feelings.
Do you wish you could simply push replay and go back to the way things were? Can you find a place inside of you that can be cautious and yet open to the possibility of change and realistic yet connected to the loving connection that lays beneath the armor that has been built around your love for one another?
Here are 7 Key Thoughts to keep in mind when you find yourself in that situation. They are not magic bullets but if you can commit to applying them on a regular basis you can peel away the hurt and replace it with the love that is buried beneath it.
1. LISTEN
The most important key to good communication is listening. Easier said then done though. The mind does not listen easily without filtering what it hears so listening takes focus, concentration, willingness, and curiosity. The more layers of hurt and mistrust have developed the more important it is to develop your listening muscle.
A simple measure of whether or not your really listening is to reflect on whether you’re really hearing what the other is saying or preparing in your mind what you’re going to say to make your point. If you find yourself preparing for what to say bring yourself back to listening.
2. BE PRESENT
Being present is the underlying skill required for good listening. Our mind tends to wander off into thoughts of what has happened before, what we believe or worry will happen tomorrow, what we will say next. When our minds go to these places there is usually a physical component to it. When we are present we feel calm, centered and focused. When we are in fear, anger, or anticipation, we feel tension in the body. It might be in the shoulders, the jaw, the muscles of the face, or in the chest. The body registers our emotions and recognizing the signs we can learn to release into the moment.
Learning breathing or centering techniques we can notice when we go away and bring ourselves back. See if you can notice how you go away in your daily conversations. Notice where in your body you feel the emotions. See if you can notice, breathe, let go, and bring yourself back. Try this with comfortable situations before trying it with highly charged interactions.
3. SEEK TO UNDERSTAND
As humans, our tendency is to want to make our own points and to have others understand us. It’s a whole different ballgame when we have to put away our positions, commit to listening and understanding, and take the risk finding out that we are wrong. Research shows that in at least 95 % of difficult situations in which we are challenged or will potentially be embarrassed, we get defensive. It takes courage to put our own needs aside and be open to learning something that may change our perceptions about how things are.
When you’re in conversations see if you can put aside your point of view, be fiercely curious and ask questions so that you’re sure you’re understand. If, even for the moment you can open yourself to the possibility of learning something that changes your paradigm, you’re on the way to mutual learning that transforms both you and the other person.
4. BE COMPASSIONITE
It takes two to move through misunderstanding and mistrust. Recognize that you are both human beings trying your best to live happy healthy and satisfying lives. We all feel pain and act in ways that we would prefer we did not. Having compassion for this shared aspect of being human is a way to build bridges to feeling closer and building trust. Even when it seems that the other is out to get us you can assume that they’re doing the best they know how to get the outcomes they would like.
When you’re in a difficult conversation, see if you can connect with this commonality that we all share called humanness and let go of judgment.
5. AGREE ON UNDERSTANDINGS
We all hear what we want to hear. How many conversations have you had in which you later compare your understanding of the outcome only to find out that you had different ideas about what you agreed to or what your expectations were. It’s much more productive in the long run and will result in many fewer disagreements later if you strategies for developing a mutual understanding of what you’ve said and agreed to.
When you are in conversation ask for clarifications when you don’t understand. At the end of your conversation go over the main points that you’ve covered and reached agreement on and write them down. Having something concrete later will help avoid rehashing disagreements that arise from not understanding and agreeing at the time.
6. FOCUS ON FEELINGS
Often, rather than talking about our feelings, we make declarations or interrogate someone else about their intentions. This happens often with parents and teens. A parent will say “I want you home for family dinner on Sunday.” The teen responds with “but I have plans. I’m going to spend time with my friends”. The parent responds “I don’t know why your friends are more important than your family” Why can’t you make the family a priority just once?” What’s left out of this conversation on the part of the parent is why would like the young person to be home. Something more than just because!
Sharing your feelings can open the way to understanding and a willingness on the part of your teen to make an exception. In the above example the parent might say “You know, I really miss having you around more. I miss having us altogether as a family now that you’re older and doing more things with your friends. Let’s plan a Sunday dinner together. What works for you?”
7. ACQUIRE PATIENCE
Perhaps the hardest skill of all. We live in a remote control world in which the worlds problems are solved during a half hour TV show. When we’re involved in difficult situations that are uncomfortable for us we want the situation and our discomfort to end quickly.
Start thinking about small successes. Things didn’t get difficult in a day nor will they be resolved in one day. Celebrate small steps you make in improving your relationships and give each other pats on the back for the hard work that you are both doing.
Communication can be difficult especially when feelings have been hurt or trust has been damaged. Use these tools as guidelines for finding your way back to more caring and loving relationships with those that you care about.
Matilde Tara