Archive for January, 2009
Robert D. Cavanaugh, CLU asked:
As Father Time marches on, the question of what to do with the home becomes a greater concern. In some cases, ruminating on the alternatives can dominate one’s thinking. If a person is aware of the various options and chooses a path that makes the most sense, peace of mind can often be the result.
Studies have shown that 90% of married couples and 62% of single persons reach retirement owning their own homes. Coupled with non-monetary considerations of whether to stay or sell, one major objective is how to convert the equity in the home to an income.
In some cases, selling the home is the most attractive option. However, remaining in the home could be simpler and less stressful. Many people are too quick to jump to the “sell” option because they are not aware of all the options that would allow staying in the home and extracting the equity as well.
Weigh each of the following options against selling before throwing in the mental towel and listing the home.
An AARP study done in 2000 showed that more than 90% of seniors wanted to stay in their homes for as long as possible. Almost 82% still wanted to stay even if they needed care.
That is a very loud vote. Therefore, I would recommend looking at long term care insurance that either only provides home care or a more comprehensive plan that includes home care. Many seniors balk at the topic of long term care because they figure they will never go to the “home.” Statistically, 50% of them are right. What many fail to realize is that at some point almost everyone will need some kind of help. Home care benefits may provide the needed assistance while allowing the person to remain in their home.
As seniors age, the upkeep of the home may become overbearing. The lawn still needs cutting, the bushes trimmed and the flower beds kept free of weeds. The inside needs dusting; the carpet needs vacuuming and the windows need washing. Eventually, in many people’s minds, these become reasons to sell.
I would invite you to put a pencil to this. Look at hiring someone to come in and clean. Hire a lawn maintenance company or the teen-ager down the street trying to pay for his car. Having these things taken care of in this manner is a lot less expensive than moving to a retirement home.
If the home is too big, close some rooms off. If it cost too much to heat or cool, seal the vents in un-used rooms.
Sometimes it may make sense (both for the senior and the child) for one of the children to move in and serve as a caretaker, cook, lawn-cutter and/or pool boy/girl.
There are several ways to get the equity out of the home, while continuing to live in the home.
First, the home could be re-financed. Mortgage interest rates today are low. Properly invested, the funds released could cover the new mortgage payments. If not, the difference could be less expensive than rent. Depending on the person’s age, putting a part of the proceeds into an immediate annuity may even cover the mortgage payment and then some.
If the person has a retirement plan that mandates required minimum distributions starting at age 70 1/2, the interest deduction on the new mortgage could be a welcome offset to the RMDs, which must be included in taxable income.
For large estates subject to estate taxes, placing the home in a Qualified Personal Residence Trust (QPRT) can potentially remove the home, and any appreciation from the date of the transfer into the trust, from the taxable estate. Proper trust drafting can also provide for the housing needs of the survivor of a married couple and, ultimately, leave the home to the children.
Selling the home to the children is another option. By structuring the sale and lease back according to the rules, the $250,000 single person or $500,000 married couple capital gains tax exclusion could apply. Here, again, the parents would continue to live in the home and pay rent to the children. This removes the home from the taxable estate as well.
A gift-leaseback is an alternative. The value of the home will use up part (or all) of the lifetime unified credit. Consult a tax attorney if the value of the home is large and this option is one of the ones on the table.
If the homeowner(s) are age 62 or older, a reverse mortgage may be a viable option. The National Council on Aging calculates there are 13.2 million seniors who could qualify for a reverse mortgage of $20,000 or more. The average would be $72,000.
Reverse mortgages can reduce or eliminate the children’s inheritance. Today, there are Federal Rules for reverse mortgages and about 90% are federally insured. Fees can be high and will differ among lenders. Shop around.
Prior to making the decision to stay in the home or sell, each of these options should be part of the discussion among the senior, their children and financial advisors.
Jamie Mullinix
As Father Time marches on, the question of what to do with the home becomes a greater concern. In some cases, ruminating on the alternatives can dominate one’s thinking. If a person is aware of the various options and chooses a path that makes the most sense, peace of mind can often be the result.
Studies have shown that 90% of married couples and 62% of single persons reach retirement owning their own homes. Coupled with non-monetary considerations of whether to stay or sell, one major objective is how to convert the equity in the home to an income.
In some cases, selling the home is the most attractive option. However, remaining in the home could be simpler and less stressful. Many people are too quick to jump to the “sell” option because they are not aware of all the options that would allow staying in the home and extracting the equity as well.
Weigh each of the following options against selling before throwing in the mental towel and listing the home.
An AARP study done in 2000 showed that more than 90% of seniors wanted to stay in their homes for as long as possible. Almost 82% still wanted to stay even if they needed care.
That is a very loud vote. Therefore, I would recommend looking at long term care insurance that either only provides home care or a more comprehensive plan that includes home care. Many seniors balk at the topic of long term care because they figure they will never go to the “home.” Statistically, 50% of them are right. What many fail to realize is that at some point almost everyone will need some kind of help. Home care benefits may provide the needed assistance while allowing the person to remain in their home.
As seniors age, the upkeep of the home may become overbearing. The lawn still needs cutting, the bushes trimmed and the flower beds kept free of weeds. The inside needs dusting; the carpet needs vacuuming and the windows need washing. Eventually, in many people’s minds, these become reasons to sell.
I would invite you to put a pencil to this. Look at hiring someone to come in and clean. Hire a lawn maintenance company or the teen-ager down the street trying to pay for his car. Having these things taken care of in this manner is a lot less expensive than moving to a retirement home.
If the home is too big, close some rooms off. If it cost too much to heat or cool, seal the vents in un-used rooms.
Sometimes it may make sense (both for the senior and the child) for one of the children to move in and serve as a caretaker, cook, lawn-cutter and/or pool boy/girl.
There are several ways to get the equity out of the home, while continuing to live in the home.
First, the home could be re-financed. Mortgage interest rates today are low. Properly invested, the funds released could cover the new mortgage payments. If not, the difference could be less expensive than rent. Depending on the person’s age, putting a part of the proceeds into an immediate annuity may even cover the mortgage payment and then some.
If the person has a retirement plan that mandates required minimum distributions starting at age 70 1/2, the interest deduction on the new mortgage could be a welcome offset to the RMDs, which must be included in taxable income.
For large estates subject to estate taxes, placing the home in a Qualified Personal Residence Trust (QPRT) can potentially remove the home, and any appreciation from the date of the transfer into the trust, from the taxable estate. Proper trust drafting can also provide for the housing needs of the survivor of a married couple and, ultimately, leave the home to the children.
Selling the home to the children is another option. By structuring the sale and lease back according to the rules, the $250,000 single person or $500,000 married couple capital gains tax exclusion could apply. Here, again, the parents would continue to live in the home and pay rent to the children. This removes the home from the taxable estate as well.
A gift-leaseback is an alternative. The value of the home will use up part (or all) of the lifetime unified credit. Consult a tax attorney if the value of the home is large and this option is one of the ones on the table.
If the homeowner(s) are age 62 or older, a reverse mortgage may be a viable option. The National Council on Aging calculates there are 13.2 million seniors who could qualify for a reverse mortgage of $20,000 or more. The average would be $72,000.
Reverse mortgages can reduce or eliminate the children’s inheritance. Today, there are Federal Rules for reverse mortgages and about 90% are federally insured. Fees can be high and will differ among lenders. Shop around.
Prior to making the decision to stay in the home or sell, each of these options should be part of the discussion among the senior, their children and financial advisors.
Jamie Mullinix
Abbi Rouse asked:
Families in Britain “continue to borrow big and spend bigger” despite the fact that economic pressures have grown on them in recent times, new research has revealed.
London Stock Exchange-listed investment trust company Alliance Trust has revealed in its Research Centre report a number of what it calls “headline” factors that British families need to be aware of, especially if they are considering taking on extra debts such as a personal loan in the near future.
The report – which has been going for ten years with the latest quarter two analysis released today – reveals that real earnings growth has now reached its lowest level at any time in the decade that the report has been running, while spending has increased over the last year. The same can be said for levels of household debt, seen in personal loans and secured loans, as well as credit cards and overdrafts.
“Far from never having it so good, we’ve seldom had it so bad, with homes squeezed by lower earnings growth, higher mortgage repayments and chronic council taxes, to name just a handful of issues”, said Shona Dobbie, head of Alliance Trust Research Centre.
“But British families continue to borrow big and spend bigger which confirms this reality just isn’t hitting home. It’s only really thanks to recent economic growth and lower utility prices that we’ve seen even a mild improvement in the predicament facing households”.
The financial reality index shows that household pressures, such as mortgage payments or secured loans and council tax bills, are leading to households “being squeezed”. The household budget index section of the report witnessed a slight rise, suggesting things are marginally better than at the same time last year, but Alliance Trust points out that the index score is still the third lowest on record and is approximately three times lower than in 1998.
According to the net wealth section of the report, however, this factor rebounded into positive territory for the first time since the first quarter of 2006, with consumer debt being counteracted by increasing house prices and rising equities.
Despite the increase in net wealth, the financial reality index has climbed but a few index points and still lies “below the critical territory” of 100 index points. Having been in what is known as negative territory for three years, its current position on 82.0 reflects a near five-point climb, but household budgets continue to “weigh heavily on the index”, according to Alliance Trust.
Alliance Trust was established in 1888 and has its headquarters in Dundee as well as offices in Edinburgh, London and Hong Kong, according to the firm’s website. At the end of January, it was managing a total of 2.8 billion pounds of assets.
Last month, Alliance & Leicester suggested that borrowers should consider low-rate loans when making big purchases, rather than relying on credit cards or forecourt finance for such requirements. It said that although many borrowers have “good intentions”, they could be losing out by not shopping around for the cheapest personal loan.
Grover Spanski
Families in Britain “continue to borrow big and spend bigger” despite the fact that economic pressures have grown on them in recent times, new research has revealed.
London Stock Exchange-listed investment trust company Alliance Trust has revealed in its Research Centre report a number of what it calls “headline” factors that British families need to be aware of, especially if they are considering taking on extra debts such as a personal loan in the near future.
The report – which has been going for ten years with the latest quarter two analysis released today – reveals that real earnings growth has now reached its lowest level at any time in the decade that the report has been running, while spending has increased over the last year. The same can be said for levels of household debt, seen in personal loans and secured loans, as well as credit cards and overdrafts.
“Far from never having it so good, we’ve seldom had it so bad, with homes squeezed by lower earnings growth, higher mortgage repayments and chronic council taxes, to name just a handful of issues”, said Shona Dobbie, head of Alliance Trust Research Centre.
“But British families continue to borrow big and spend bigger which confirms this reality just isn’t hitting home. It’s only really thanks to recent economic growth and lower utility prices that we’ve seen even a mild improvement in the predicament facing households”.
The financial reality index shows that household pressures, such as mortgage payments or secured loans and council tax bills, are leading to households “being squeezed”. The household budget index section of the report witnessed a slight rise, suggesting things are marginally better than at the same time last year, but Alliance Trust points out that the index score is still the third lowest on record and is approximately three times lower than in 1998.
According to the net wealth section of the report, however, this factor rebounded into positive territory for the first time since the first quarter of 2006, with consumer debt being counteracted by increasing house prices and rising equities.
Despite the increase in net wealth, the financial reality index has climbed but a few index points and still lies “below the critical territory” of 100 index points. Having been in what is known as negative territory for three years, its current position on 82.0 reflects a near five-point climb, but household budgets continue to “weigh heavily on the index”, according to Alliance Trust.
Alliance Trust was established in 1888 and has its headquarters in Dundee as well as offices in Edinburgh, London and Hong Kong, according to the firm’s website. At the end of January, it was managing a total of 2.8 billion pounds of assets.
Last month, Alliance & Leicester suggested that borrowers should consider low-rate loans when making big purchases, rather than relying on credit cards or forecourt finance for such requirements. It said that although many borrowers have “good intentions”, they could be losing out by not shopping around for the cheapest personal loan.
Grover Spanski
Paul McIndoe asked:
The cost of bringing up children and providing for their future, like everything else, is continuously increasing. In fact, a recent survey calculated that it currently costs a staggering £9,000 per year to bring up the average teenager, and the total cost of bringing up a child to the age of 21 years has been estimated to be just over £180,000.
Although it is too late to help the current crop of teenagers with seemingly expensive tastes through the transition into independent adulthood, the government has introduced a Child Trust Fund scheme that aims to help children born after 1st September 2002.
The scheme allows parents and the children themselves to save tax-free towards their future. Every child born on or after the qualifying date receives a voucher from the government to a minimum value of £250, which can be increased to a maximum of £500 for low-income families, to start their Child Trust Fund. There are a number of selected banks and building societies that offer specific child trust fund products, and the choice of which to invest in lies with the parents.
The voucher is invested in a fund holding stocks and shares, to which there is the option for additional amounts up to a maximum of £1,200 per annum to be added every year. Of course, as the values of stocks and shares can go down as well as up, the child trust fund is just one way of saving for your child’s future. It may be worth thinking of other ways to build up considerable nest-eggs.
For example, savings accounts should also be encouraged allowing children to pay their birthday monies or other funds that they receive from pocket money or doing odd-jobs, even part-time jobs directly into the account. That way, with the addition of annual interest, the child can not only watch their savings grow, but spread their investment across different methods of providing for their future.
For instance, a savings account into which £1,200 per year or £100 per month is invested can amount to a substantial amount of cash by the age of 18, without taking into consideration any compound interest added. Depending upon the interest rates earned over that period it could be considerably more; easily enough to provide for a good start to adult life for your child. Similarly, an investment in a child trust fund at the same amount could provide a healthy return, dependent upon the performance of the markets over that period.
Jeremiah Clagon
The cost of bringing up children and providing for their future, like everything else, is continuously increasing. In fact, a recent survey calculated that it currently costs a staggering £9,000 per year to bring up the average teenager, and the total cost of bringing up a child to the age of 21 years has been estimated to be just over £180,000.
Although it is too late to help the current crop of teenagers with seemingly expensive tastes through the transition into independent adulthood, the government has introduced a Child Trust Fund scheme that aims to help children born after 1st September 2002.
The scheme allows parents and the children themselves to save tax-free towards their future. Every child born on or after the qualifying date receives a voucher from the government to a minimum value of £250, which can be increased to a maximum of £500 for low-income families, to start their Child Trust Fund. There are a number of selected banks and building societies that offer specific child trust fund products, and the choice of which to invest in lies with the parents.
The voucher is invested in a fund holding stocks and shares, to which there is the option for additional amounts up to a maximum of £1,200 per annum to be added every year. Of course, as the values of stocks and shares can go down as well as up, the child trust fund is just one way of saving for your child’s future. It may be worth thinking of other ways to build up considerable nest-eggs.
For example, savings accounts should also be encouraged allowing children to pay their birthday monies or other funds that they receive from pocket money or doing odd-jobs, even part-time jobs directly into the account. That way, with the addition of annual interest, the child can not only watch their savings grow, but spread their investment across different methods of providing for their future.
For instance, a savings account into which £1,200 per year or £100 per month is invested can amount to a substantial amount of cash by the age of 18, without taking into consideration any compound interest added. Depending upon the interest rates earned over that period it could be considerably more; easily enough to provide for a good start to adult life for your child. Similarly, an investment in a child trust fund at the same amount could provide a healthy return, dependent upon the performance of the markets over that period.
Jeremiah Clagon
Joseph J. Dadich, CPA, Esq., LLM asked:
In the complex world of taxes, you have a number of choices when it comes to selecting a beneficiary (or beneficiaries) for your IRA. Some are appropriate. Unfortunately, some are major mistakes and can lead to delays and expenses in getting the funds to your desired recipients.
Some may even exclude some of your desired beneficiaries. In addition, some elections are for estate planning purposes. Let’s take a look at your options.
If you have No Beneficiary
Not recommended. This mandates your IRA be distributed according to your will, if you have one. If you don’t, each state has “intestate” rules that divide your estate up in ways you wouldn’t ever want. I had a client out of New Jersey who’s dad had this issue when he died and unfortunately caused a $1.45mm tax over 5 years and no compounding effect. An IRA with no beneficiary must be distributed within five years. By contrast, a named beneficiary can spread the distribution out over the balance of their life expectancy.
If you only name Your Estate
This has the same effect as the beneficiary is the same as not naming one. The rules require a “named” beneficiary. Now your IRA goes through the probate process. This costs money, takes time and subjects your IRA to your creditors.
The IRS has complex guidelines on how a Trust can qualify as a beneficiary of your Trust. Do you really want to leave this to chance? What’s more, is why would you pay money to be represented by an attorney and have a judge in some probate court decide whom your beneficiary will be? Why should your beneficiaries have to wait around for your estate to be closed? What if your will is challenged? What if you have a big estate with estate taxes due and the IRS is questioning the valuation of your business?
I have seen estates open for as long as ten years as the debate goes back and forth between your attorney and the IRS. The worst case I can think of is your IRA completely eaten up by legal fees inasmuch it may be the only liquid asset.
Name your spouse as primary
This is the most common designation and makes the most sense for a number of reasons.
If the spouse is the sole beneficiary, he or she can elect to treat the IRA as his or her own. This opens up the possibility of delaying the start of the required minimum distributions (RMDs). This could be the spouse’s age 70 1/2, or for a Roth IRA, all the way to the death of the spouse. It also allows further “stretching” of the IRA as the spouse can spread the RMDs over their lifetime plus the lifetime of a beneficiary.
If the spouse is more than 10 years younger than a non-Roth IRA owner, their life expectancy can be used. Beneficiaries other than the spouse, who are more than ten years younger than the IRA owner, are treated as being no more than ten years younger for RMD purposes. This is another “stretching” advantage for naming the spouse as beneficiary.
Naming Children
If there is more than one child named, the youngest age is used for RMD purposes. However, if the children are beneficiaries of a trust, the oldest age is used.
If children are beneficiaries, they can take the RMDs over their life expectancy. Since the RMDs are very low at the younger ages, the account can grow substantially over the years. For example, a $100,000 IRA could distribute literally millions of dollars over the lifetime of a young beneficiary.
Grandchildren
Naming a grandchild gets into the generation skipping transfer tax area. But each person has a lifetime generation-skipping transfer tax lifetime exemption of $2,500,000 (in 2009). In any case, I would consult a tax attorney to make sure this beneficiary election coordinates with the balance of your estate plan.
Because grandchildren are even younger than children are, the lifetime income potential from RMDs would floor you. I can show you an example of the same $100,000 IRA used above as an example that would pay out 20 million dollars to a grandchild over their lifetime under the right circumstances.
The information was provided by Joseph J. Dadich, Esq. Expert Author/Attorney/CPA Creator of ‘Emergency Estate Planning Documents’™ Get your FREE CD and $2,188 in Bonuses at www.1estateplanningmichigan.com or www.15criticalpoints.com
Carey Swygert
In the complex world of taxes, you have a number of choices when it comes to selecting a beneficiary (or beneficiaries) for your IRA. Some are appropriate. Unfortunately, some are major mistakes and can lead to delays and expenses in getting the funds to your desired recipients.
Some may even exclude some of your desired beneficiaries. In addition, some elections are for estate planning purposes. Let’s take a look at your options.
If you have No Beneficiary
Not recommended. This mandates your IRA be distributed according to your will, if you have one. If you don’t, each state has “intestate” rules that divide your estate up in ways you wouldn’t ever want. I had a client out of New Jersey who’s dad had this issue when he died and unfortunately caused a $1.45mm tax over 5 years and no compounding effect. An IRA with no beneficiary must be distributed within five years. By contrast, a named beneficiary can spread the distribution out over the balance of their life expectancy.
If you only name Your Estate
This has the same effect as the beneficiary is the same as not naming one. The rules require a “named” beneficiary. Now your IRA goes through the probate process. This costs money, takes time and subjects your IRA to your creditors.
The IRS has complex guidelines on how a Trust can qualify as a beneficiary of your Trust. Do you really want to leave this to chance? What’s more, is why would you pay money to be represented by an attorney and have a judge in some probate court decide whom your beneficiary will be? Why should your beneficiaries have to wait around for your estate to be closed? What if your will is challenged? What if you have a big estate with estate taxes due and the IRS is questioning the valuation of your business?
I have seen estates open for as long as ten years as the debate goes back and forth between your attorney and the IRS. The worst case I can think of is your IRA completely eaten up by legal fees inasmuch it may be the only liquid asset.
Name your spouse as primary
This is the most common designation and makes the most sense for a number of reasons.
If the spouse is the sole beneficiary, he or she can elect to treat the IRA as his or her own. This opens up the possibility of delaying the start of the required minimum distributions (RMDs). This could be the spouse’s age 70 1/2, or for a Roth IRA, all the way to the death of the spouse. It also allows further “stretching” of the IRA as the spouse can spread the RMDs over their lifetime plus the lifetime of a beneficiary.
If the spouse is more than 10 years younger than a non-Roth IRA owner, their life expectancy can be used. Beneficiaries other than the spouse, who are more than ten years younger than the IRA owner, are treated as being no more than ten years younger for RMD purposes. This is another “stretching” advantage for naming the spouse as beneficiary.
Naming Children
If there is more than one child named, the youngest age is used for RMD purposes. However, if the children are beneficiaries of a trust, the oldest age is used.
If children are beneficiaries, they can take the RMDs over their life expectancy. Since the RMDs are very low at the younger ages, the account can grow substantially over the years. For example, a $100,000 IRA could distribute literally millions of dollars over the lifetime of a young beneficiary.
Grandchildren
Naming a grandchild gets into the generation skipping transfer tax area. But each person has a lifetime generation-skipping transfer tax lifetime exemption of $2,500,000 (in 2009). In any case, I would consult a tax attorney to make sure this beneficiary election coordinates with the balance of your estate plan.
Because grandchildren are even younger than children are, the lifetime income potential from RMDs would floor you. I can show you an example of the same $100,000 IRA used above as an example that would pay out 20 million dollars to a grandchild over their lifetime under the right circumstances.
The information was provided by Joseph J. Dadich, Esq. Expert Author/Attorney/CPA Creator of ‘Emergency Estate Planning Documents’™ Get your FREE CD and $2,188 in Bonuses at www.1estateplanningmichigan.com or www.15criticalpoints.com
Carey Swygert
Klublok Chung asked:
According to the Australian Tax Commission’s internet site, if a loved one becomes deceased, testamentary trust should be made.
A compact summary of testamentary trust can be stated as follows:
1. It is created by a will, and does not come into effect until after the individual who has penned the will has passesd away.
2. It is not the same as the trust that is made to carry out the estate plans.
3. It could have a predetermined expiry date, or be prepared to carry on for an indefinite time period.
4. It can be supervised by the will executor, a different beneficiary, or an external party.
The internet site also suggests that the information provided will not be adequate details for you to be able to prepare a testamentary trust.
If you find this obscure, do not be anxious. By talking to a professional estate planner, estate planning information can be acquired and additional particulars expressed.
A testamentary trust is a tool founded by a will that permits a legal guardian to be selected to administer a bequest on behalf of a beneficiary, in a way conveyed by the will.
A testamentary trust is especially accommodating if you are taking care of someone with an intellectual impairment. It helps to ensure that they are cared for and will continue to be after your death.
Frequent questions related to a testamentary trust are:
Does the legal guardian have to be a relation or can they be anyone, including someone salaried to represent on my behalf?
Will the legal guardian adhere stringently to your desires, or can they make substitute decisions if required?
If my family feels that the trustee is not making proper conclusions, what can they do about it?
To receive answers to these inquiries and others, seek a professional to assist you in arrangements for a testamentary trust for your estate plan.
Tambra Sonderman
According to the Australian Tax Commission’s internet site, if a loved one becomes deceased, testamentary trust should be made.
A compact summary of testamentary trust can be stated as follows:
1. It is created by a will, and does not come into effect until after the individual who has penned the will has passesd away.
2. It is not the same as the trust that is made to carry out the estate plans.
3. It could have a predetermined expiry date, or be prepared to carry on for an indefinite time period.
4. It can be supervised by the will executor, a different beneficiary, or an external party.
The internet site also suggests that the information provided will not be adequate details for you to be able to prepare a testamentary trust.
If you find this obscure, do not be anxious. By talking to a professional estate planner, estate planning information can be acquired and additional particulars expressed.
A testamentary trust is a tool founded by a will that permits a legal guardian to be selected to administer a bequest on behalf of a beneficiary, in a way conveyed by the will.
A testamentary trust is especially accommodating if you are taking care of someone with an intellectual impairment. It helps to ensure that they are cared for and will continue to be after your death.
Frequent questions related to a testamentary trust are:
Does the legal guardian have to be a relation or can they be anyone, including someone salaried to represent on my behalf?
Will the legal guardian adhere stringently to your desires, or can they make substitute decisions if required?
If my family feels that the trustee is not making proper conclusions, what can they do about it?
To receive answers to these inquiries and others, seek a professional to assist you in arrangements for a testamentary trust for your estate plan.
Tambra Sonderman
TomZart asked:
Conservative Poet
Tom Zart’s 87 Poems of Love
Family & Faith
LIKE A LILY AMONG THE THORNS
Like a lily among the thorns,
So are you among the rest.
Your love is my joy of life
Which by God’s grace is the best.
When I sleep my heart is awake
It is the vice of love within.
By day or night I seek your love
My life mate, my partner, my friend.
You ravish my heart with just one look
When I’m less than you desire.
Your eyes speak without words
As displeasure kindles your fire.
Your beautiful and extraordinary
Like a fragrant flower from the wild.
I dream of the day you softly whisper
“My love, I carry your child.”
The vines put forth their tender grapes
The fig tree her sweet fruit of life.
My love for you is everlasting
As you nourish my need for a wife.
God gave man a woman to adore
And a woman a man to respect.
God gave us children we love till death
To provide for, cherish and protect.
Until it’s dawn and the shadows flee
I will hold you close and ponder
Our life together past and present
And may our future be blessed by wonder.
RELATIONSHIPS
One of the most rewarding things, each of us can do
Is the acknowledgment of others and their fears.
To promote their happiness and sense of worth
By our love, concern, laughter and tears.
Staying eager to display are willingness
To recognize our support from others.
Where would we be without the people we love
Friends, mom, dad, grandparents, sisters and brothers.
We treasure our relationships and pray to maintain them
As they give us our passion and purpose in life.
Cherishing our family, our faith, our country
Our honor, our husband or wife.
A SCORNFUL WOMAN & A SELFISH MAN
A scornful woman can rip you apart
Destroy your libido and harden your heart.
They shout their list of your every flaw
Declaring you’re lucky you get it at all.
A selfish man can become even worse
When they lie, cheat, beat, steal and curse.
Always demanding to stay king of the castle
As they force their partner to suffer their hassle.
A happy woman thrives on love, faith, family and friends,
A worthy man provides, protects and defends.
Say “No” to Satan and cast him out
Say “Yes” to Jesus and become his scout.
MY HOPE TO FIND LOVE
So here I am, like many times before
All alone with my face to the moon.
Down on knees praying God
For someone who will love me and soon!
The smallest deed done is better than intention
When you wish to receive wisdom from above.
No matter what happens, I refuse to give up
My hope to discover the magic of love.
The better the reason for my existence
The better the life I will live.
Searching for someone who will share their love
By their joy when it’s their turn to give.
My hope to find love has somewhat diminished
Though my need for romance still remains.
Sometimes I feel like Sampson himself
Broken hearted and shackled to chains.
THE GREATEST LESSON ONE CAN LEARN
The greatest lesson one can learn
Is how when loved, to love in return.
Joined together through night and day
Equally yoked in work and play.
Remaining true both body and soul
Never loosing our common goal.
Sharing each other the best we can
Before we are but bits of sand.
Mutual love is beyond compare
Serving one another in the life we share.
Without compassion humans lose
Simply by the path they choose.
Love is a miracle from God to man
How some deny it I can’t understand.
WINGS of HEAVEN
It’s a wonderful situation
To be in love with you.
All my thoughts have changed
Because of everything you do.
I lack the desire for others
No yearning for their love or favor.
All I wish is a life with you
Till it’s time to greet our Savior.
I was afraid I would never find love
Leaving no stone unturned.
I had to suffer through stupidity
To grow from all I learned.
Life is too short to remain a fool
Who doesn’t see blessings handed down.
From now to judgment I will love you
Till the wings of heaven whisper their sound.
SO DEAR TO MY HEART
So dear to my heart are my loved ones at home
As I toss and I turn in my bunk all alone.
Everyday I see death, **** and corruption
Combat is God’s proof of man’s malfunction
For family, comrades and myself I pray
To my love with this poem I wish to convey.
I knew I loved you though never how much
Till by war, I’m forced beyond your touch.
Where violence thrives, there’s the stench of death
With the taste of fear on every breath.
Who shall prevail, who shall die?
As the sadistic kill beneath God’s sky.
Baghdad has become man’s highway to hell
Where the hearts of darkness are alive and well
I count each day till it’s time to come home
And be with my love and never alone.
Love You
Your Marine
MARRIAGE *** AND ROMANCE
Some other time, I’m not in the mood
Why cant we just cuddle and watch TV?
When couples drift into the celibate zone
It’s not long till someone will flee.
Sexual fulfillment helps preserve love,
Parenthood, marriage and self-esteem.
Those who maintain it avoid saying no
To be blessed by its pleasure and gleam.
While dating we tend to be more romantic
Putting forth the best of our charms.
Sharing dinners, long walks and lustful weekends
As we spend more time in each others arms.
How many times have you said “not tonight”
Exposing your happy home to harm?
Today’s crushing deadlines leave little time for love
Leaving partners with sorrow, sadness and alarm.
So share one another with red wine and time
Dial your own number and leave the phone off the hook.
Enjoy some romance, *** and laughter
Improving your mood and the way you look.
MOTHERS
There’s no greater power on earth
Than the love we get from our mothers.
They feel our fears within themselves
Far more than sisters or brothers.
As seasons pass; in time we learn
We can’t always rely on others.
No mater what our mistakes may be
We know we can run to our mothers.
Mothers have great big aprons
To hide from the world our flaws.
They kiss and scold when we do wrong
Teaching compliance of laws.
From birth to death mothers lead
Our angels of kindness from above.
They give us more than anyone else
Preaching the importance of love.
Moms are certainly God’s gift to earth
So if you still have one, let it be known.
You can’t imagine your life without her
While the seed of your future is sown.
DON’T FORSAKE ME ?
Don’t forsake our love my darling
On this night before our wedding day.
I know your ex is crying to get back
But that’s just the price he’ll have to pay.
Good guys provide for their families
Tell the truth, pay bills and remain true.
Bad guys procrastinate, chase women and party
Then blame their shortcomings, on “you”.
I will love you only and tend to your needs
Never to lie, steal or cheat.
Giving all I have to share and prosper
And when wrong I will accept defeat.
Your happiness is my inspiration
For when I please you, you please me.
I wish to father our children and give them love
And be the best husband a man can be.
MY FAVORITE POET
My favorite poet is God above
Who gives Earth its rhythm and rhyme.
Not pied pipers of misguided souls
Who promote distrust, hatred and crime.
Poetry is nature serenading in song
The peaceful roar of the oceans waves.
The wind through the trees and over the hills
And the flowers in the fields by the graves.
The sound of rain as it waters the thirsty
The songs of children at play in the park.
The far off rumble of trains or thunder
As they pass through the night in the dark.
The joy of our babies first words and steps
The passion of life with its heroes and clowns.
The on going struggle to survive our sins
As we proliferate in hamlets and towns.
My favorite poet is our Father of love
Who was first to know us before birth.
His poetry prolongs every thing we love
As His deliverance gives life its worth.
I WHO HAVE NO ONE
I who have no one, no one at all
Envy others as in love they fall.
Sleepless nights, with inward burning
Feeling hopeless, tossing and turning.
Lord please forgive the fool I’ve been
Hiding from goodness in the shadows of sin.
I humbly pray to heaven in space
For one more chance to regain my grace.
I’ve lived my years indulging myself
Leaving decency and principle on the shelf.
Now that your light shines on my face
I pray for forgiveness in shame and disgrace.
All I ask is your life mate for me
And I pledge to become all I can be.
A soul without love is empty and void
No wonder so many become destroyed.
Outside my window there’s the thunder of rain
And the haunting sound of a far away train.
I feel your presence as I silently cry
For someone to love before I die.
JESUS IS A FISHERMAN
Jesus is a fisherman
Who saves the souls of man.
Dead or alive He leads the faithful
To the streams of promise land.
He sees us when we’re happy
He hears us when we’re glad.
He whispers words of hope to us
When we face something sad.
As wicked thoughts control the mind
Evil deeds control the heart.
Jesus is who we turn to
When from sins we must depart.
Jesus is a fisherman
Who baits His hook with love.
Casting His line in your direction
From the banks of heaven above.
LOVE CONSUMES ALL
Love consumes all physical functions
Hearing, taste, touch, thought and smell.
It can heal, destroy, weaken or bond
Those caught in its presence and spell.
May I be remembered by tears of love
When my hands lay across my chest.
Displayed for view to say goodbye
To my family, friends and the rest.
Until it’s time for my final farewell
I will serve whom I love even more.
These words of passion inhabit my heart
Conveying my need for all, I adore.
PASSION AND LOVE
Samson so loved Delilah
He ended up grinding grain.
Anthony so loved Cleopatra
He lost all and was slain.
David so loved Bathsheba
He drifted from God’s command.
The way I feel makes it easy
To imagine and understand.
You‘re the inspiration of my day
And the delight of my night.
The joy we share as we conceive
Makes everything feel just right.
Thank heaven for passion and love
Blessings from God to man.
Without them we’re mere creatures
Subsisting like ants in the sand.
TO BE BLESSED BY LOVE
Darkness submits to the brightness of day
For all rich, famous or peasant.
God gives us love as a tool of endurance
For what is glorious, painful or unpleasant.
He gives us friends that mean so much
Though His greatest gift is fathers and mothers.
From them we learn the guidance we need
Or from grandparents, sisters and brothers.
How rewarding it is to share our concerns
Of the burdens that trouble man’s soul.
With words of love, passion and faith
With happiness and purpose our goal.
To be blessed by love elevates life
Projecting a radiance of grace to our face.
Like the heavenly bodies that illuminate the night
As we voyage through the vastness of space.
THE JOY I FEEL
The joy I feel within my heart
Has overcome my void.
No more foolish, selfish acts
Risking love to be destroyed.
You’re the rainbow of my day
And the tiger of my night.
Your style of loving me
Leaves no reason to fuss or fight.
Happiness shuns the selfish
Who fail God’s test of time.
Contentment comes as a gift
To hearts of the thoughtful and kind.
I obtain my daily need
As I awake to find you near.
The love we share celebrates life
As we laugh or cry with tear.
Through out each day, there are moments,
I find I need you even more.
You’re the radiance of my life
Who I worship, serve and adore.
I LOVE BEING LOVED BY YOU
My life overflows with happiness
As my favorite dreams come true.
My days and nights are magical
Because of everything you do.
You stand by me as troubles occur
And listen to my worries and fears.
You share my burdens and my joys
With faith, compassion and tears.
God’s gift to man is someone to love
Which can be both splendid and rare.
Throughout life there’s nothing better
Then those who will love us and care.
There’s the past, present, future, and beyond
Which will test our measure by what we say and do
Too many overlook the thrill of now
But not I, “for I love being loved by you.”
WE’LL ALL REUNITE IN TIME
Fame, wealth, prestige, and wild women
For too long were my passions of life.
One day I found sweet liberation
When God gave my heart to my wife.
33 years we loved one another
Sharing all we possessed and more.
Last year she passed in the middle of night
Never to shadow our door.
I’m sure in rapture, she awaits
For me to arrive in heaven divine.
I’ll miss our children and grandkids too
But we’ll all reunite in time.
THE LAST GOODBYE
I’m on my way to greet my Master
And shake His hand when I die.
I’m on my way to john sweet Jesus
In His mansion beyond on high.
I’m on my way to escape man’s woes
Where the faithful rise to tell their story.
Following the path of love and compliance.
Guided by God’s magnificence and glory.
As I journey to and from all I love
It hurts to say my absolute goodbye.
I’m on my way to divine fulfillment
But for those left behind, “I cry.”
The Last Goodbye
MOMS
Millions of dewdrops greet the dawn
As hungry of bees buzz the clover
Dazzling butterflies flutter about
As moms give love the world over.
Lessons learned at our mother’s knee
Last a lifetime till we grow older.
Popping up when troubles accrue
Like a whispering angel on our shoulder.
Gods gives us friends that mean so much
Children, fathers, sisters and brothers
Though far, far above all the rest,
No one loves us more than our mothers.
In and out of friendships, jobs and partners
Our mothers always remain our evening star.
Those who where born to a selfish mom
Make the rest us realize how lucky we are.
How great life is to have a good mom
Who reads what we feel but can’t say.
Nothing means as much, as her tender touch
And for all who are without one, “we pray.”
SHOULD TOMORROW START WITHOUT ME ?
Should tomorrow start without me
Remember I love you
Looking down from up above
Seeing everything you do.
If I become a casualty
I pray you will love again
Whom ever makes you happy
I’ll consider my friend.
Should tomorrow start without me
Remind our boys, God loves all who care
And when life seems too harsh and cruel
With “Him” they must share their prayer.
I have proven I’m not a coward
Who breaks and runs to survive
Always fearing death will kiss me
As the streets of Baghdad I drive.
Should tomorrow start without me
Be proud I choose to serve
Our faith and our patriotism
Earn the freedom we deserve.
I miss home more than ever
It breaks my heart to stay away
I can’t help but want to hold you
And whisper what I say.
PASSION
Passion is any strong feeling or thought
Of love, hate, fear, anger and grief.
The emotional joy of sexual desire
Sometimes the suffering of saint or thief.
The cruelty of man nailing Christ to the cross
His treatment subsequent to the last supper.
Continuing conflict with endless war
Make it seem we’re prone to suffer.
All must carry their own cross in life
While they struggle to survive the day.
Passion reveals how much we desire
As we race toward our outcome and pray.
WHO?
Who wrote the tune the songbird sings?
Who made the diamonds we wear on rings?
Who caused the snow and rain to fall?
Who made spring, winter, summer and fall?
Who gave man a woman to love?
Who made the clouds and sky above?
Who lights the stars and moon in the night?
Who makes heaven and beyond so bright?
Who gives us babies we follow till death?
Who made us able to speak with our breath?
Who gives us heroes willing to die?
Who made the tears we shed as we cry.
Who shows us hope and guides our way?
The same one who loves us night and day.
SATISFACTION
Too many people never know satisfaction
For their goals for happiness are placed too high.
Most of us complain about what we can’t have
When we’re not bedfast or in the grave, we lie.
No one finds satisfaction from serving themselves
Contentment takes place, by our unselfish concern.
The more we repent and regret our wrongs
The more we are able to retain what we learn.
So tally your blessings and be thankful for life
And remember there are those who wish, they were you.
Satisfaction and love are what mere mortal’s pray for
Though the lucky among us, who feel both, are few.
LOVE & HATE
Unselfish concerns are the footstones of love
Though far too many still waste time on ****.
Real happiness happens to the lucky in life
Who’ve bonded to others with love as their fate.
Malice, disfavor and ill will complicate life
To where our days resemble frustration’s hell.
The warm rush of love can turn things around
Enabling the sleepless to again rest well.
Tender love and affection generate fondness
Where hatreds repugnance eats body and soul.
Friendship, attachment, good will and charity
Are the mother’s milk of life, when love’s our goal.
So recognize **** for what it truly is
And reject it when it whispers in your ear.
For the power of love is the only way
To avoid corruption, resentment and fear.
MY TRUE LOVE
Lord, have mercy on my soul
For all the wrong I’ve done
When I was young and foolish
And searching for some fun.
My daddy told me, son
You reap what you sow
Everything I’ve learned the hard way
Are the only things I know.
I searched all the honky tonks
And every bar in town
The right woman for me to love
I had not yet found.
My mother always said
Why not look at church
There’s where you’ll find
The right one to end your search.
So, here I am singing a song
To the music of a choir
Next to me is my true love
Who sets my heart on fire.
I can see her left hand
And there’s my wedding ring
She catches me peeking at her
With every line we sing.
A man and wife are equally yoked
In everything they do;
That’s why I celebrate
God saving me for you!
CHRISTMAS
Husbands with ladders hang lights on their home
As all who have no one feel sad and alone.
The churches are full of the faithful that sing
For the birth of our Lord, is a spiritual thing.
The sound of Christmas sweetly fills the air
While frantic shoppers hustle from here to there.
The windows of storefronts at this time of year
Reflect all their wonders as Christmas draws near.
Little ones stand looking with their nose pressed to glass
As model trains on display come speeding past.
The path to Santa is lined with girls and boys
With a list in their heart of their favorite toys.
The stores shelves are crammed with dolls that crawl or walk
Games, cars, trucks, planes and stuffed toys that sing or talk.
The miracle of Christmas comes once a year
When all that we love seems more precious and dear.
THE SEED of LOVE
A kindly woman can make a sad man sing
With her love and affection winter seems like spring.
Of all the pleasures in life given to a man
There’s nothing beats the touch of a woman’s soft hand.
God saw Adam alone on Eden’s floor
Then decided to give him Eve’s love and much more.
So take what you need from she chosen for you
Then rid thyself of others and to her be true.
The Lord planted love within mankind’s heart
Though things can grow sour when from Him we depart.
Love and **** are but two sides of life’s golden coin
So be ready for both no matter whom you join.
DOUBLE TROUBLE
To tell you the truth, it still hurts to share;
Even though with him your heart is not there.
I’ve tried hard to think what brought this about
For we’re not the type who enjoy sneaking out.
Your husband, my wife, were into themselves.
Like old Christmas toys, they placed us on our shelves.
Somehow we managed to take ourselves down
And found one another while out on the town.
You gave me your number for reasons well known
And now you weep as you drive home alone.
It’s hard to make love when the romance is dead
It causes confusion in your heart and your head.
There’s a battle inside as your mind and heart fight
While you lie by the wrong one in the middle of the night.
We now know the meaning to the words of that song
That it hurts to love someone and to the wrong one belong.
HOLLYWOOD WOMAN
Hollywood woman, I’m in love with you
Though you’re always on your own stage.
Some days you love me and some days you don’t
No wonder I’m in such a rage.
You baited your hook
Then threw me a line
And like a big crayfish
I thought you were mine.
But you have that fever
To fish other streams
And you’ll be the cause
Of many men’s dreams.
For other men have loved you
And other men have cried.
Every last one of them
Has felt you inside.
Before long you’ll grow old
And your looks shall fade
And all you’ll have left
Is your video parade.
Those who once loved you
Will be dead or gone
And you’ll lie alone
In silence till dawn.
A MAN’S BEST FRIEND
A man’s best friend is still his faithful dog
Who anxiously awaits his return home.
Where would man be without his canine love
When his human mates have left him alone.
If a man was as good as his dog thinks
He’d be more famous than a football star.
It’s too bad our wives don’t feel the same way
I guess its because they know how we are.
Man has no fear of his dog’s love for life
Though it’s usually man who buries his pet.
It matters not be they large or small
What animal has loved man more, as yet?
GETTING OVER HER
I thought we’d raise our only child
And feed him with a spoon
But, his mother loves another
And they’re on a honeymoon.
All my friends say I must stop
Loving her, of course
So I drove my Ford to a honky tonk
Still lonely from divorce.
From out of my chair, I must get up
And ask someone to dance
For, if I plan to get over her
I know I’ll need romance.
The dance floor is almost full
Of country kings and queens.
I feel a pair of eyes
Just checking out my jeans.
I can see a smiling face
I’m almost at a run
For I know if I dance
I’m going to have some fun.
She stands up from her table
And reaches for my hand
Then I lead the both of us
Right up in front of the band.
Somebody turned the spotlight
Toward the dance floor ball.
She is so beautiful
I’m afraid I might fall.
Here I go, a-gambling
A gambling with my heart
For when I love a woman
It always hurts to part.
BODY HEAT 1O5
We drank several glasses of champagne
In the living room of her house.
Around 9:30 that evening
I found myself in her blouse.
I fondled and kissed her so gently
Like the soft footsteps of a mouse.
To my surprise, she opened her eyes
And said, “look, we’re not going to play house.”
I right away replaced her clothing
And buttoned her blouse once more.
There was no doubt of my defeat
As I lay there upon the floor.
She said, “tell the truth, are you angry?”
I answered, by far I was not
“It’s more important what you think of me
Than what I may not have got.”
She wiped away a tear from both eyes
And said, “you’re my kind of man.”
At that point, she did arise
And to me she held out her hand
She led me away like a blind man
Who had somehow lost his cane.
When we reached her bedroom door
I thought I’d gone insane.
Before long, we found ourselves naked
As she held me in her palm.
Can you dare imagine, my friend
How hard it was for me to stay calm?
We touched all the forbidden places
As our body heats reached 105
If love’s relief had not been achieved
I doubt if we’d still be alive.
WITHOUT LOVE
Life is simply a circus
With too many fools on the stage.
There ‘s greed, fear and indifference
As many hearts suffer from rage.
Divorce is like a bad book
Where the heroes get killed off to soon.
When we reach the point the light goes out
Then we’ll stand up and leave the room.
Without love we become such fools
In a desert which has gone all dry.
When the one we love ignores us
There’s nothing to do but cry.
The worst curse that one can endure
Are those who just wish to take.
When all we give is our own love
To find out we’ve made a mistake.
Of all the prizes life may bring
To be loved is by far the best.
That’s why so many search for it
For without love, what good is the rest?
THAT OLD COVERED BRIDGE
We returned to that old covered bridge
Where as sweethearts we used to go.
To kiss, hug, and squeeze in the shadows
While beneath us the water would flow.
Up under its wood roof of shingles
Is where we took refuge from the rains.
Carved in some boards within that old bridge
Side by side you’ll still find our names.
Our memories of our past childhood
Are a gift from God for us to keep.
Like that picture you once gave me
Which I peaked at before I could sleep.
We find ourselves back at that old bridge
Only now, with our kids to catch fish.
We pray someday that they’ll find love
And come here with someone, just to wish.
SOME MEN PRAY
Some men pry to marry the woman they love
Where my prayers can’t help but somewhat vary
As I humbly pray to heaven above
That I am loved by the woman I marry.
The essence of love is its spiritual fire
And there’s nothing more sought after on earth.
Man’s only escape is his own flight
But what, without love would his life be worth.
Love can be man’s worst pain or best pleasure
A dangerous gamble he must take in life.
For he who falls in love with the wrong woman
Shall find all he’s worked for belongs to his wife.
THE COAL MINER
Coal mines in my daddy’s day
Were dug with strong hands and back.
They got larger and deeper
As the lungs of the miners turned black.
Cave-ins, fires and explosions
Were my father’s daily fear.
But what choice has a man
When the wolf of hunger is near.
With three small kids and a wife
There were five stomachs to fill.
As we lived in poverty
In our shack below a hill.
I feel his blood within me
As the years of my life pass by
I’m proud that dad dug King Cole
For a miner so am I.
Life to me is but a rose
Though it’s thorns can make me cry.
And like my dad before me
To my Lord I will not lie.
In cold earth someday I’ll sleep
With a shinny stone above.
Carved in it, shall be the words
I have known the joy of love.
ADAM THE LONELY
Adam, the lonely was chased from God’s land
When Eve picked that apple with her foolish hand.
Delilah, the evil, cut a champion’s hair off
When Samson; the strong man’s heart became soft.
David the shepherd, a king among men
Was teased by Bathsheba and driven to sin.
A man needs a woman to build up his pride
To bolster his ego and to lay by his side.
Life mates are a treasure and difficult to find
I feel like a blind man who’s lost in a mine.
Lord, I’m a sad soul with no hand to hold
Searching for someone who’ll love me when I’m old.
TO HAVE AND TO HOLD
Our house is big, though our family’s small
The phone’s off the hook, cause we don ‘t want a call.
I need you darling more than anything
For your sweet kisses make a sad man sing.
I can feel life’s clock as it pounds away
While the moon says hello to the dying day.
I pray to partake every sight and sound
While I still enjoy the right side of the ground.
Nothing beats the love of a willing mate.
So little time for fun before it’s too late.
The Lord made you for me and me alone
And not for others that you might have known.
LOVER’S TOAST
Come to me with just your love
And I will pledge you mine.
Feel my lips and share my glass
And we shall sip red wine.
You’re the red rose of my day
And the lily of my night.
Nothing is so grand in life
As when you seize me tight.
Love’s uncertain future is
Where mankind’s torments dwell
With both it’s pain and pleasure
Our lust is alive and well.
DADS AT WAR
Where would I be without you dad
My hero of night and day?
I’m so glad you love my mother
And take time for us to pray.
The last time we played baseball
You reached for me with your hand.
I looked at you, then made a wish
That I might be just half the man.
I love my father of earth,
And I love my Father of heaven.
It’s a lot for me to love, you know
For I’m only eleven.
Mom and I sure miss you
Since you left to defend our flag.
When others ask, where is your dad
I can’t help but boast and brag.
MOMMA
Oh, I love my momma
She’s the reason I’m alive.
Her total love for me
Has made her struggle and strive.
Jesus had a momma
Who bore Him in a cave.
She couldn’t help but love Him
From His birth to the grave.
Should I hang on the highest hill
My momma would be there.
I know her love would follow me
My Angel of despair.
Her hair is now all silver
As I hold her fingers, worn.
Oh, God, bless this wrinkled brow
From whose body I was born.
LETTERS
We were just the best of friends
I knew him all my life.
I’m sure that he, towards the end
Found out I love his wife.
He drove his car right off a cliff
And crashed into the sea.
I know it was no accident
For a skillful driver was he.
He must have found our letters
Of love that shouldn’t be.
He’s the type to harm himself
Instead of killing me.
As I looked in his wife’s eyes
She sadly said to me,
Instead of us, he killed himself
Because of lovers, such as we.
Lord, have mercy on our souls
For her husband, my friend, has died!
No one else may ever know
But God how much we’ve lied.
HONEYMOON CRUISE
The gulls have gone long ago
As we sail a peaceful sea.
The skies are blue, soft and kind
Where else would we wish to be.
Late at night, as we embrace
In front of a reggae band.
You kiss me, and then you whisper
I want to be alone with my man.
A little after midnight
We both slip away.
In such of some time
For the games lovers play.
Alone in our cabin
Your skin is so soft.
I’m just that angel
Who fell from aloft.
After twenty-five years
Of our love has gone
It’s a honeymoon cruise
We find ourselves on.
May the Lord show mercy
On any of those
Who have never been loved
Or ever been chose.
MY LOVE of LIFE
Wise men learn more from watching fools
Than fools do from watching wise men.
I should know for I’ve been both
I can ‘t believe how lucky I’ve been.
Everyday as I speak out
With verse I come alive.
My lust for life shall be fulfilled
As another day I survive.
I take the clay of every day
And mold it to my fashion.
All I need is my true love
Whose heart flows free with passion.
I thank the Lord who watches us
For blessings which are mine;
That I’m festive, fit and free
To love my wife who’s sweeter than wine.
LITTLE BABY
Little baby, I love you
For you are a part of me
Each and every inch you’ll grow
I want to be there to see.
Someday you’ll chase fireflies
Who ride the breath of the winds.
Someday you’ll be all grown up
And out on the town with friends.
You have your daddy ‘s freckles;
You’ve got your mommy’s eyes.
I pray to God every day
You’ll survive all of life’s lies.
Little babies shoot up fast
As they need to stretch and grow.
They do such things as children do
In a world they’ve yet to know.
Someday you will understand
How your parents feel inside
Someday you’ll have your babies
And raise them with great pride.
Of all the gifts that life may bring
A sweet baby is still the best
Your mom and I shall love you
Till the day we’re laid to rest.
ONE MAN’S PRAYER
Where are the women who need a good man?
Where are the women with love in their hand?
Where are the children who played on the lawn?
Where are the children when mom and dad are gone?
What about the marriage that began with smiles?
What about the marriage that ended in trials?
What about the future of all involved?
What about the problems that must be solved?
Answer these questions that tear at my heart.
Answer these questions that keep us apart.
WHAT LOVE MEANS TO ME
I know now for sure what love means to me
It’s a chance to be needed and to give happily.
For I’ve felt what it’s like to be sad and alone
And wish for that someone I could call my own.
It’s just like young Adam when he lost his rib bone
God gave him Eve, so he wouldn’t sleep alone.
When a man loves a woman, there’s many lessons he’ll learn
As she respects him, her favors he’ll earn.
One thing for certain, when your thoughts are for real
As you hug and you kiss, you love how you feel.
Some live a lifetime just a step from love
You are that person who gave me my shove.
The world has both givers and those on the take
Life can be bad if your love’s a mistake.
I can’t help realize how lucky I’ve been
For you are my wife, but best of all, my friend.
I WON’T BE THERE
It‘s true; I’ve been living with a looser
And it’s been going on too long
I’ve prayed for the courage and, now I have it
To sing you your farewell song.
I won’t be there in the morning when you need me!
I won’t be there when you call on the phone!
I won’t be there in the bed beside you
As you lay by yourself alone!
Too many times at night I’ve cried
Wondering why you won’t just come home
Staring at the clock on the wall
As I lie half awake by the phone.
For so long it was enough that I loved you
Though now my heart needs more.
So, I’ve packed up my bags and my pictures
And I’m on my way out the door.
WHEN YOU LOVE A MEAN WOMAN
When you love a mean woman it hurts down deep
In the middle of the night when you find you can’t sleep.
I remember those times we kissed in the park
Covered by moonbeams and stars in the dark.
You told me you loved me and would never run away
Though now, there’s another with whom you play.
Somebody tell me what I’m doing wrong
Somebody show me before I’ve waited too long.
Other women I’ve met, they remind me of you
It makes me afraid of what they might do.
But life without love isn’t living at all
Everyone needs someone who waits for their call.
I thirst for a woman who will love me again
One who needs both a husband and friend.
Dear Lord, I pray for my angel of love
So I may fly high on the wings of a dove.
SHE’S MY BUDDY
Adam and Eve lay beneath the stars.
I wonder if their love was as strong as ours?
Darling, I love you, I’m not afraid to say
Our love just grows with each passing day.
I was afraid our love would grow cold
That’s what I’ve always by others been told.
I’m glad they were wrong, so I sing this song
For you are the woman to whom I belong.
Without your concern I have nothing at all
There’s no one to help me should I take a fall.
I need your love it builds up my pride
Bolsters my ego and stands by my side.
Many men still search for someone like you
Case to find a good woman isn’t easy to do
Lord, I thank you for the love of my life
For she is my buddy as well as my wife.
OUR MOTHER’S LOVE
Our mother’s love like a candle
Burns brightly upon the shelf.
As she lights the way for all others
Never thinking of herself.
Seven little kids in a farmhouse
By my moms hard work survived.
Through her love and faith in Jesus
We learned how to struggle and strive.
The lilacs still bloom by the window
Where our mom would quilt and sew.
In the winter she’d sing by the fire
To the tunes she thought we should know.
Our father labored at a quarry
In the dust of the earth every day.
He worked so hard for his money
For the bills our family must pay.
Little sister came down with pneumonia
And almost died in bed.
Our momma lie sick beside her
Putting cool rags on her head.
We were sure glad to see daddy’s face
As he drove up our driveway
He ran up and into the house
Then knelt by their bed to pray.
Oh, Lord, please save my family
From the fever that burns within
For we have always loved Jesus
And will serve Him till our end.
Our mother and sister survived
But daddy, he died long ago.
When it’s our time for heaven
We’ll see many that we know.
TILL THE END of TIME
I feel like Samson pushing the stone
For I gave into love and now I’m alone.
Betrayed by a woman, I gambled and lost
And now I suffer what disloyalty cost.
Samson was blinded by the blade of a knife
After his capture by the love of his life.
Imprisoned forever and forced to grind grain
To spectator laughter, the whip and the chain.
The same so am I, a victim of chain
For I’ve too many memories of you in my brain.
Together my darling from a window we shall peer
It will be from heaven both faraway and near.
The heirlooms of tomorrow the woman and the man
Waiting for our ashes to sift through the sand.
I will love you always, till the end of time
Now and then dreaming of when you were mine.
SAD DAD IN JAIL
They put me in prison for the deed I’ve done
I killed the drunk driver who crippled you, son.
Your mother, my wife, she died in the wreck
That’s the reason I broke that man’s neck.
His dad was a rich man, who pulled lots of strings
So well connected he could do many things.
I live in this hellhole with all sorts of men;
I’m sure glad most like me and call me their friend.
The food here is so awful, I’ve lost many pounds
I’d rather feast on the vittles the guards toss the hounds.
At night we play cards and you don’t dare cheat
For if you get caught, you’ll be stomped on by feet.
Most inmates fashion some sort of knife
To help out their odds in a fight for their life
I took me a padlock and snapped it on a chain
Then hid it in my pant-leg to keep from being slain.
I get to see you on our family day
The worst part about it, is when you cry as you play.
Many times you question, “Dad, when can you leave?”
As the tears from your eyes drop to my sleeve.
Our visit is now over as they wheel you away
I whisper, “I love you” and you see what I say.
It’s time to go back to my one-room, shared cell
And try to write a song about a sad dad in jail.
SOLDIER IN THE RAIN
I’m just a soldier who stands in the rain
My memories of home are what keep me sane.
Back home is a land of milk and honey
Ruled by lust and love of money.
But, what can I say, when I serve her true
For I volunteered to see this war through.
Now, that I’m here, it’s hard to believe
We’re just the victims of those who deceive.
As darkness falls on the rice fields of Nam
Scared men with rifles walk the shadows of the calm.
It’s thousands of miles to the steps of my church
With its stained glass, steeples and lost souls who search.
Off in the distance I see an arc light
Bombs being dropped on children at night.
I’ve seen that evil they call the “yellow rain”
And how life withers when it’s sprayed by a plane.
All of my buddies have been taken away
No more touch football will they ever play.
Zipped in their body bags for the long trip home
Are some of the bravest, I’ve ever known.
War is a hell, devised by man
There’s death in the sea, the sky and the land.
Lord, I can’t help but wish I were home
Back with my love, whom I hope is alone?
WE WISH YOU WERE HOME
I remember that fair in September
As we waited for a Ferris wheel ride
Just as you reached for my fingers
I felt how I loved you inside.
The next thing I knew we were airborne
Above all the eyes of the crowd
Surrounded by rainbows of neon
As the moon popped from behind a cloud.
You asked, “daddy, do you love me”
I answered I couldn’t live without you.
Then you reached up and tugged on my collar
As we flew in that chair painted blue.
Now you are grown and gone
And have marched away to war.
As I’m writing this letter
I yearn for your knock at our door.
I got out some rags and the wax
And gave your old Ford a rubdown.
I went for a ride of remembrance
While its mufflers made your favorite sound
I drove by the park to ponder
Those ball games we loved to play.
I can ‘t help but worry and wonder
If you’ll ever come home to stay.
Your girlfriend still teaches school
We see her every seventh day.
There’s no doubt who she thinks of
When she folds her hands to pray.
Your mother still talks to your picture
As she works at her sewing machine.
I hope my son you realize
How much to us you mean.
PLEASURE SEEKERS
That road of pleasure seeking
Has so many deep pitfalls
And all the while we walk on it
In the distance the devil calls.
Some folks drink those bubbly spirits
Or smoke that tall green weed
Anything to dull their conscience
As they sow their wild oat seed.
I’ve been no angel in my life
Though I fell from a righteous shelf
When I took those risky chances
And tried both, many times, myself.
Now I’m tired of being foolish.
So I sing my songs at church
With one eye on my hymnbook
And the other free to search.
If you’re yearning to love someone
Let’s get together and seek no more
Kiss and fondle by the fire
And push pillows across the floor.
For we need love, health and money
And may we live to enjoy them all
Before we ‘re old and in our autumn
And our leaves begin to fall.
THE FIRST ONE TO LOVE ME
The first one to love me was you; Lord
And nothing can take that away.
My soul is refreshed by living water
While my heart flows with love each day.
I thank you for the love of my family
And I thank you for the love of my life.
I thank you for all of the blessings
You give to each husband and wife.
Your glory rides high on the sunsets
Your voice is the thunder of rain.
I thank you for all of the heavens
And Jesus who came to be slain.
I feel when your eyes are upon me
As you listen to my humble cry
You’ve redeemed the soul of your servant
To dwell in your mansion on high.
I’ll claim each and every promise
From the Lord of the earth and sky.
I’m so glad I’m free from my bondage
Of the grave where my body shall lie.
I thank you for parting the darkness
And guiding my footsteps each day.
I thank you for being my shepherd
You’ve walked with me all the way.
I know your armor protects me
From the devil in search of his feast.
And all who are lost without you
Shall dwell in hell with the beast!
CHRISTMAS IS COMING
Christmas is coming and I’m all alone
With no one to snuggle at night.
My wineglass is empty to help dull the desire
To kiss you by soft candlelight.
A rare pearl of value, you don ‘t leave alone
Or someone will steal them from you.
After they’ve gone and flown far away
It’s hard to know just what to do.
I’m watching my neighbors hang lights on their tree
With tinsel and striped candy cane.
I took you for granted and didn’t hug enough
And now I must suffer my pain.
Lord, I’m so lonely; I wish I could die
Then be born to relive again.
I realize the value of someone to love
And the danger of my selfish sin.
There’s a ring on my phone and a knock at the door
Which do I dare go for?
If neither is you, I’ll break down and cry
And again pound my fist on the floor.
I run down the hall and the doorknob turns
As the swirling snow rides on the wind.
There, in my doorway, it’s the face I love
Such a beautiful present to send.
Now, I am happy and dancing around
With a permanent smile on my face.
As children are singing their Christmas love songs
And the world is a wonderful place.
PATHWAYS
Lord, I’m so lonely, I thirst everyday
In search of the love I need
like a man in prison with no warmth at night
A slave who seeks to be freed.
For I need a woman who will heal my heart
So my life won ‘t seem so wrong.
I’ll lie down beside her and gamble again
Then sing of our love in a song.
Remember, young Adam, your first favorite born
Who slept in your garden alone.
You took form his body and transformed some flesh
Then gave him a woman unknown.
Whichever the pathway I should choose to take
I realize that there will be brambles.
For the man who has visions everyday of his life
Will always be the same who gambles.
Now, to heaven I pray, for my treasure of life
After searching the deserts in vain.
I’m tired of mirages from fool-hearted women
Please give me someone who’s sane.
May her eyes be turquoise with cheeks like peaches
Ripe and ready to risk.
Soon they’ll turn rosy when she sneaks a peek
To the tingle of where I kiss.
Though I will love her, I shall never follow.
Nor will I ever lead.
I’ll walk beside her and share all I have
For the children who spring from seed.
If we should argue about foolish things
I ‘d rather be loved than right.
Then when I lie down at the end of my day
I’ll sleep with a smile at night.
ENCHANTED
Over any man who feels lost without love
God gives women divine powers.
They can break our hearts or deflate our ego
And cause us to buy diamonds and flowers.
They have compelled kings and presidents to beg
Wild singles to commit to change their way.
Loving us with pleasures problematic to replace
With flashbacks of their passion night and day.
Women mother our babies who we love till death
For us to raise, protect and provide for.
They contribute revenue, affection and direction
With love, companionship and more.
They insist we never abuse or disgrace them
Cheat, lie or take their love for granted.
Which helps us to become more than we are
In love and totally enchanted.
WHISPERS
The one thing I’ve learned about happiness
It will never last pretending you’re not you.
Somehow, someway the truth will arise
And all that you hide will show through.
Sooner or later, one way or another
Something in your life seems wrong.
You go to bed unhappy and awake the same
Repeating life’s mistakes too long.
One day, to yourself, you begin to question
Is this who I am and wish to be
How will I choose to live the rest of my life
Till the angel of death comes for me?
Most people wish to be at peace with God
Oneself, and those we love.
Frequently taking a look at our past
Praying for guidance from above.
Thank heaven for the whispers from the heart
Which remind us that evil has it’s voice too.
It’s always a battle amid right and wrong
As we ponder and perform what we do.
LIFE
Life’s a book written through
Where the pages are the years.
There’s good, evil, false, and true
With laughter, sweat, and tears.
Our days are songs composed by God
As we set them to music with pleasure.
His cup of life is for us to drink
Though, He, decides the measure.
Hurried and worried, dawn till dusk
There’s no time for a curtain call.
We burn our candles from both ends
And we’re lucky to be alive at all.
Cards are shuffled and hands are dealt
For all to place their bets.
Youthful blunders, adulthood struggles
And old age, with its regrets.
It matters not, how long we live
But more, how well we play our part.
For the road to heaven is always near
As long as there’s truth in our heart.
EYES OF LOVE
A mind may see a thousand eyes
Though the heart yearns for two
When the eyes we love have up and gone
To the arms of someone new.
Eyes that twinkle, I distrust
For they are the distant stars.
Eyes in love have a steady glow
Like Venus, the Moon or Mars.
Eyes of love, like planets at night
Use borrowed light to shine.
Eyes are the living lenses
To the camera of our mind.
Eyes tend to believe themselves
Like the blind love of mothers.
Eyes speak without words
To the hearts and souls of others.
LOVE
No rope or cable can hold so tight
What love can do with twine.
No kiss can taste so bittersweet
As the one which captures our mind.
The first sign of love is the last of wisdom
As eager hearts fulfill desire.
Love is just a staple of life
Though heaven sparks the fire.
Heaven knows no rage like love
Once to hatred it has turned.
How wise are we who are such fools
Who forget the lessons we’ve learned.
Love, indeed, descends from heaven
Like a shooting star across the sky.
Love sometimes stirs the dust,
Till tears fall free from the eye.
God must love people in love
Or he wouldn’t make so many.
Those who claim it’s a mental disease
Have never been loved by any.
Love is stronger than life itself
And jealousy more cruel than the grave.
Men and women have loved one another
Since they spent their nights in a cave.
When the hands of love
Touch the strings of souls
There’ll be babies on the way.
That’s the basic rules of life
No matter what games we play.
Like the flowers in the fields
We shed our shields
To be warmed by the sun.
We live our lives the best we can
Till death catches us on the run.
MY WILD ROSE
You ‘re the full moon of my nights
And the sunshine of my day.
Like a queen upon her throne
You rule what I do and say.
It’s God who makes us beautiful
And the Devil who makes us mean.
It all depends on whom we follow
Which way our lives shall lean.
With one foot in the future
And one foot in the past
Let us try to live our days
As though each was our last.
You’re the wild rose of my life
My flower of desire.
Made by God for me alone
Out of earth, stars and fire.
MY WIFE
You’re the bone of my bones
Who I love for my wife.
The flesh of my flesh
And my partner in life.
For me to have and to hold
For better or for worse.
To love and to cherish
Though we might fight and curse.
Be I richer or poorer
Till death makes us part
I will give you great portions
Of my soul and my heart.
Heaven won’t be heaven
If I don ‘t see you there
May the first to go
Be me, is my prayer.
FAMILIES
The first stage of a family group
Begins with husband and wife.
Shelters are rented, bought or built
As they yearn for more from life.
Families are found throughout the world
In bone clusters buried in caves
Where ancient people lived and loved
‘Till death placed them in their graves.
Humans still have that need to group
As a family to survive
They love and care for each other
In the world in which they strive.
Families are a nation’s crown jewels
Far more than a golden coin.
Members find love and sympathy
From the groups they’ve chosen to join.
TEARS
Tears are the raindrops of the soul
And there’s one for all who die.
They are the silent words of grief
As they fall free from the eye.
The shortest verse in the Bible
Is the one where Jesus wept
So, if you hold back tears, “shed them”
When your pains too harsh to accept.
Tears are lovelier than a smile
When they come from those you love.
As they seek relief from sadness
When you’re summoned from above.
Tears are a love-mates humble gift
When it’s time to say goodbye
Though the eyes are wet and swollen
With time and patience they dry.
LOVE & ELECTRICITY
Love and electricity are a lot alike
For we never seem to miss them till their gone.
We need both, every day of our life
And even more so between twilight and dawn.
Love resembles a self-consuming amber
A static current of both pain and pleasure.
It can warm our bed and lighten the darkness
And for most who don ‘t have it, it’s a treasure.
We can turn it on or we can turn it off
Depending on whatever we’re forced to do.
It may shock us, please us, thrill us, or hurt us
Though once without it, we can’t wait to renew.
THE SEED OF LOVE
A kindly woman can make a sad man sing
With her love and affection winter seems like spring.
Of all the pleasures in life given to a man
There’s nothing beats the touch of a woman’s soft hand.
God saw Adam alone on Eden’s floor
Then decided to give him Eve’s love and much more.
So take what you need from she chosen for you
Then rid thyself of others and to her be true.
The Lord planted love within mankind’s heart
Though things can grow sour when from Him we depart.
Love and **** are but two sides of life’s golden coin
So be ready for both no matter whom you join.
FORGIVE ME
Forgive me, forgive me
And I’ll kiss your tears away.
You’re the first thing and the last
I think of every day
Let bygones be bygones
And be willing to forgive.
And I will love you only
Every moment I live.
I love you and I need you
It’s a fact and not a lie
So if you plan to punish me
Say anything, but good bye.
PARTING
The truest words, which portray my love
I speak to you from within m
Julie Matthews
Conservative Poet
Tom Zart’s 87 Poems of Love
Family & Faith
LIKE A LILY AMONG THE THORNS
Like a lily among the thorns,
So are you among the rest.
Your love is my joy of life
Which by God’s grace is the best.
When I sleep my heart is awake
It is the vice of love within.
By day or night I seek your love
My life mate, my partner, my friend.
You ravish my heart with just one look
When I’m less than you desire.
Your eyes speak without words
As displeasure kindles your fire.
Your beautiful and extraordinary
Like a fragrant flower from the wild.
I dream of the day you softly whisper
“My love, I carry your child.”
The vines put forth their tender grapes
The fig tree her sweet fruit of life.
My love for you is everlasting
As you nourish my need for a wife.
God gave man a woman to adore
And a woman a man to respect.
God gave us children we love till death
To provide for, cherish and protect.
Until it’s dawn and the shadows flee
I will hold you close and ponder
Our life together past and present
And may our future be blessed by wonder.
RELATIONSHIPS
One of the most rewarding things, each of us can do
Is the acknowledgment of others and their fears.
To promote their happiness and sense of worth
By our love, concern, laughter and tears.
Staying eager to display are willingness
To recognize our support from others.
Where would we be without the people we love
Friends, mom, dad, grandparents, sisters and brothers.
We treasure our relationships and pray to maintain them
As they give us our passion and purpose in life.
Cherishing our family, our faith, our country
Our honor, our husband or wife.
A SCORNFUL WOMAN & A SELFISH MAN
A scornful woman can rip you apart
Destroy your libido and harden your heart.
They shout their list of your every flaw
Declaring you’re lucky you get it at all.
A selfish man can become even worse
When they lie, cheat, beat, steal and curse.
Always demanding to stay king of the castle
As they force their partner to suffer their hassle.
A happy woman thrives on love, faith, family and friends,
A worthy man provides, protects and defends.
Say “No” to Satan and cast him out
Say “Yes” to Jesus and become his scout.
MY HOPE TO FIND LOVE
So here I am, like many times before
All alone with my face to the moon.
Down on knees praying God
For someone who will love me and soon!
The smallest deed done is better than intention
When you wish to receive wisdom from above.
No matter what happens, I refuse to give up
My hope to discover the magic of love.
The better the reason for my existence
The better the life I will live.
Searching for someone who will share their love
By their joy when it’s their turn to give.
My hope to find love has somewhat diminished
Though my need for romance still remains.
Sometimes I feel like Sampson himself
Broken hearted and shackled to chains.
THE GREATEST LESSON ONE CAN LEARN
The greatest lesson one can learn
Is how when loved, to love in return.
Joined together through night and day
Equally yoked in work and play.
Remaining true both body and soul
Never loosing our common goal.
Sharing each other the best we can
Before we are but bits of sand.
Mutual love is beyond compare
Serving one another in the life we share.
Without compassion humans lose
Simply by the path they choose.
Love is a miracle from God to man
How some deny it I can’t understand.
WINGS of HEAVEN
It’s a wonderful situation
To be in love with you.
All my thoughts have changed
Because of everything you do.
I lack the desire for others
No yearning for their love or favor.
All I wish is a life with you
Till it’s time to greet our Savior.
I was afraid I would never find love
Leaving no stone unturned.
I had to suffer through stupidity
To grow from all I learned.
Life is too short to remain a fool
Who doesn’t see blessings handed down.
From now to judgment I will love you
Till the wings of heaven whisper their sound.
SO DEAR TO MY HEART
So dear to my heart are my loved ones at home
As I toss and I turn in my bunk all alone.
Everyday I see death, **** and corruption
Combat is God’s proof of man’s malfunction
For family, comrades and myself I pray
To my love with this poem I wish to convey.
I knew I loved you though never how much
Till by war, I’m forced beyond your touch.
Where violence thrives, there’s the stench of death
With the taste of fear on every breath.
Who shall prevail, who shall die?
As the sadistic kill beneath God’s sky.
Baghdad has become man’s highway to hell
Where the hearts of darkness are alive and well
I count each day till it’s time to come home
And be with my love and never alone.
Love You
Your Marine
MARRIAGE *** AND ROMANCE
Some other time, I’m not in the mood
Why cant we just cuddle and watch TV?
When couples drift into the celibate zone
It’s not long till someone will flee.
Sexual fulfillment helps preserve love,
Parenthood, marriage and self-esteem.
Those who maintain it avoid saying no
To be blessed by its pleasure and gleam.
While dating we tend to be more romantic
Putting forth the best of our charms.
Sharing dinners, long walks and lustful weekends
As we spend more time in each others arms.
How many times have you said “not tonight”
Exposing your happy home to harm?
Today’s crushing deadlines leave little time for love
Leaving partners with sorrow, sadness and alarm.
So share one another with red wine and time
Dial your own number and leave the phone off the hook.
Enjoy some romance, *** and laughter
Improving your mood and the way you look.
MOTHERS
There’s no greater power on earth
Than the love we get from our mothers.
They feel our fears within themselves
Far more than sisters or brothers.
As seasons pass; in time we learn
We can’t always rely on others.
No mater what our mistakes may be
We know we can run to our mothers.
Mothers have great big aprons
To hide from the world our flaws.
They kiss and scold when we do wrong
Teaching compliance of laws.
From birth to death mothers lead
Our angels of kindness from above.
They give us more than anyone else
Preaching the importance of love.
Moms are certainly God’s gift to earth
So if you still have one, let it be known.
You can’t imagine your life without her
While the seed of your future is sown.
DON’T FORSAKE ME ?
Don’t forsake our love my darling
On this night before our wedding day.
I know your ex is crying to get back
But that’s just the price he’ll have to pay.
Good guys provide for their families
Tell the truth, pay bills and remain true.
Bad guys procrastinate, chase women and party
Then blame their shortcomings, on “you”.
I will love you only and tend to your needs
Never to lie, steal or cheat.
Giving all I have to share and prosper
And when wrong I will accept defeat.
Your happiness is my inspiration
For when I please you, you please me.
I wish to father our children and give them love
And be the best husband a man can be.
MY FAVORITE POET
My favorite poet is God above
Who gives Earth its rhythm and rhyme.
Not pied pipers of misguided souls
Who promote distrust, hatred and crime.
Poetry is nature serenading in song
The peaceful roar of the oceans waves.
The wind through the trees and over the hills
And the flowers in the fields by the graves.
The sound of rain as it waters the thirsty
The songs of children at play in the park.
The far off rumble of trains or thunder
As they pass through the night in the dark.
The joy of our babies first words and steps
The passion of life with its heroes and clowns.
The on going struggle to survive our sins
As we proliferate in hamlets and towns.
My favorite poet is our Father of love
Who was first to know us before birth.
His poetry prolongs every thing we love
As His deliverance gives life its worth.
I WHO HAVE NO ONE
I who have no one, no one at all
Envy others as in love they fall.
Sleepless nights, with inward burning
Feeling hopeless, tossing and turning.
Lord please forgive the fool I’ve been
Hiding from goodness in the shadows of sin.
I humbly pray to heaven in space
For one more chance to regain my grace.
I’ve lived my years indulging myself
Leaving decency and principle on the shelf.
Now that your light shines on my face
I pray for forgiveness in shame and disgrace.
All I ask is your life mate for me
And I pledge to become all I can be.
A soul without love is empty and void
No wonder so many become destroyed.
Outside my window there’s the thunder of rain
And the haunting sound of a far away train.
I feel your presence as I silently cry
For someone to love before I die.
JESUS IS A FISHERMAN
Jesus is a fisherman
Who saves the souls of man.
Dead or alive He leads the faithful
To the streams of promise land.
He sees us when we’re happy
He hears us when we’re glad.
He whispers words of hope to us
When we face something sad.
As wicked thoughts control the mind
Evil deeds control the heart.
Jesus is who we turn to
When from sins we must depart.
Jesus is a fisherman
Who baits His hook with love.
Casting His line in your direction
From the banks of heaven above.
LOVE CONSUMES ALL
Love consumes all physical functions
Hearing, taste, touch, thought and smell.
It can heal, destroy, weaken or bond
Those caught in its presence and spell.
May I be remembered by tears of love
When my hands lay across my chest.
Displayed for view to say goodbye
To my family, friends and the rest.
Until it’s time for my final farewell
I will serve whom I love even more.
These words of passion inhabit my heart
Conveying my need for all, I adore.
PASSION AND LOVE
Samson so loved Delilah
He ended up grinding grain.
Anthony so loved Cleopatra
He lost all and was slain.
David so loved Bathsheba
He drifted from God’s command.
The way I feel makes it easy
To imagine and understand.
You‘re the inspiration of my day
And the delight of my night.
The joy we share as we conceive
Makes everything feel just right.
Thank heaven for passion and love
Blessings from God to man.
Without them we’re mere creatures
Subsisting like ants in the sand.
TO BE BLESSED BY LOVE
Darkness submits to the brightness of day
For all rich, famous or peasant.
God gives us love as a tool of endurance
For what is glorious, painful or unpleasant.
He gives us friends that mean so much
Though His greatest gift is fathers and mothers.
From them we learn the guidance we need
Or from grandparents, sisters and brothers.
How rewarding it is to share our concerns
Of the burdens that trouble man’s soul.
With words of love, passion and faith
With happiness and purpose our goal.
To be blessed by love elevates life
Projecting a radiance of grace to our face.
Like the heavenly bodies that illuminate the night
As we voyage through the vastness of space.
THE JOY I FEEL
The joy I feel within my heart
Has overcome my void.
No more foolish, selfish acts
Risking love to be destroyed.
You’re the rainbow of my day
And the tiger of my night.
Your style of loving me
Leaves no reason to fuss or fight.
Happiness shuns the selfish
Who fail God’s test of time.
Contentment comes as a gift
To hearts of the thoughtful and kind.
I obtain my daily need
As I awake to find you near.
The love we share celebrates life
As we laugh or cry with tear.
Through out each day, there are moments,
I find I need you even more.
You’re the radiance of my life
Who I worship, serve and adore.
I LOVE BEING LOVED BY YOU
My life overflows with happiness
As my favorite dreams come true.
My days and nights are magical
Because of everything you do.
You stand by me as troubles occur
And listen to my worries and fears.
You share my burdens and my joys
With faith, compassion and tears.
God’s gift to man is someone to love
Which can be both splendid and rare.
Throughout life there’s nothing better
Then those who will love us and care.
There’s the past, present, future, and beyond
Which will test our measure by what we say and do
Too many overlook the thrill of now
But not I, “for I love being loved by you.”
WE’LL ALL REUNITE IN TIME
Fame, wealth, prestige, and wild women
For too long were my passions of life.
One day I found sweet liberation
When God gave my heart to my wife.
33 years we loved one another
Sharing all we possessed and more.
Last year she passed in the middle of night
Never to shadow our door.
I’m sure in rapture, she awaits
For me to arrive in heaven divine.
I’ll miss our children and grandkids too
But we’ll all reunite in time.
THE LAST GOODBYE
I’m on my way to greet my Master
And shake His hand when I die.
I’m on my way to john sweet Jesus
In His mansion beyond on high.
I’m on my way to escape man’s woes
Where the faithful rise to tell their story.
Following the path of love and compliance.
Guided by God’s magnificence and glory.
As I journey to and from all I love
It hurts to say my absolute goodbye.
I’m on my way to divine fulfillment
But for those left behind, “I cry.”
The Last Goodbye
MOMS
Millions of dewdrops greet the dawn
As hungry of bees buzz the clover
Dazzling butterflies flutter about
As moms give love the world over.
Lessons learned at our mother’s knee
Last a lifetime till we grow older.
Popping up when troubles accrue
Like a whispering angel on our shoulder.
Gods gives us friends that mean so much
Children, fathers, sisters and brothers
Though far, far above all the rest,
No one loves us more than our mothers.
In and out of friendships, jobs and partners
Our mothers always remain our evening star.
Those who where born to a selfish mom
Make the rest us realize how lucky we are.
How great life is to have a good mom
Who reads what we feel but can’t say.
Nothing means as much, as her tender touch
And for all who are without one, “we pray.”
SHOULD TOMORROW START WITHOUT ME ?
Should tomorrow start without me
Remember I love you
Looking down from up above
Seeing everything you do.
If I become a casualty
I pray you will love again
Whom ever makes you happy
I’ll consider my friend.
Should tomorrow start without me
Remind our boys, God loves all who care
And when life seems too harsh and cruel
With “Him” they must share their prayer.
I have proven I’m not a coward
Who breaks and runs to survive
Always fearing death will kiss me
As the streets of Baghdad I drive.
Should tomorrow start without me
Be proud I choose to serve
Our faith and our patriotism
Earn the freedom we deserve.
I miss home more than ever
It breaks my heart to stay away
I can’t help but want to hold you
And whisper what I say.
PASSION
Passion is any strong feeling or thought
Of love, hate, fear, anger and grief.
The emotional joy of sexual desire
Sometimes the suffering of saint or thief.
The cruelty of man nailing Christ to the cross
His treatment subsequent to the last supper.
Continuing conflict with endless war
Make it seem we’re prone to suffer.
All must carry their own cross in life
While they struggle to survive the day.
Passion reveals how much we desire
As we race toward our outcome and pray.
WHO?
Who wrote the tune the songbird sings?
Who made the diamonds we wear on rings?
Who caused the snow and rain to fall?
Who made spring, winter, summer and fall?
Who gave man a woman to love?
Who made the clouds and sky above?
Who lights the stars and moon in the night?
Who makes heaven and beyond so bright?
Who gives us babies we follow till death?
Who made us able to speak with our breath?
Who gives us heroes willing to die?
Who made the tears we shed as we cry.
Who shows us hope and guides our way?
The same one who loves us night and day.
SATISFACTION
Too many people never know satisfaction
For their goals for happiness are placed too high.
Most of us complain about what we can’t have
When we’re not bedfast or in the grave, we lie.
No one finds satisfaction from serving themselves
Contentment takes place, by our unselfish concern.
The more we repent and regret our wrongs
The more we are able to retain what we learn.
So tally your blessings and be thankful for life
And remember there are those who wish, they were you.
Satisfaction and love are what mere mortal’s pray for
Though the lucky among us, who feel both, are few.
LOVE & HATE
Unselfish concerns are the footstones of love
Though far too many still waste time on ****.
Real happiness happens to the lucky in life
Who’ve bonded to others with love as their fate.
Malice, disfavor and ill will complicate life
To where our days resemble frustration’s hell.
The warm rush of love can turn things around
Enabling the sleepless to again rest well.
Tender love and affection generate fondness
Where hatreds repugnance eats body and soul.
Friendship, attachment, good will and charity
Are the mother’s milk of life, when love’s our goal.
So recognize **** for what it truly is
And reject it when it whispers in your ear.
For the power of love is the only way
To avoid corruption, resentment and fear.
MY TRUE LOVE
Lord, have mercy on my soul
For all the wrong I’ve done
When I was young and foolish
And searching for some fun.
My daddy told me, son
You reap what you sow
Everything I’ve learned the hard way
Are the only things I know.
I searched all the honky tonks
And every bar in town
The right woman for me to love
I had not yet found.
My mother always said
Why not look at church
There’s where you’ll find
The right one to end your search.
So, here I am singing a song
To the music of a choir
Next to me is my true love
Who sets my heart on fire.
I can see her left hand
And there’s my wedding ring
She catches me peeking at her
With every line we sing.
A man and wife are equally yoked
In everything they do;
That’s why I celebrate
God saving me for you!
CHRISTMAS
Husbands with ladders hang lights on their home
As all who have no one feel sad and alone.
The churches are full of the faithful that sing
For the birth of our Lord, is a spiritual thing.
The sound of Christmas sweetly fills the air
While frantic shoppers hustle from here to there.
The windows of storefronts at this time of year
Reflect all their wonders as Christmas draws near.
Little ones stand looking with their nose pressed to glass
As model trains on display come speeding past.
The path to Santa is lined with girls and boys
With a list in their heart of their favorite toys.
The stores shelves are crammed with dolls that crawl or walk
Games, cars, trucks, planes and stuffed toys that sing or talk.
The miracle of Christmas comes once a year
When all that we love seems more precious and dear.
THE SEED of LOVE
A kindly woman can make a sad man sing
With her love and affection winter seems like spring.
Of all the pleasures in life given to a man
There’s nothing beats the touch of a woman’s soft hand.
God saw Adam alone on Eden’s floor
Then decided to give him Eve’s love and much more.
So take what you need from she chosen for you
Then rid thyself of others and to her be true.
The Lord planted love within mankind’s heart
Though things can grow sour when from Him we depart.
Love and **** are but two sides of life’s golden coin
So be ready for both no matter whom you join.
DOUBLE TROUBLE
To tell you the truth, it still hurts to share;
Even though with him your heart is not there.
I’ve tried hard to think what brought this about
For we’re not the type who enjoy sneaking out.
Your husband, my wife, were into themselves.
Like old Christmas toys, they placed us on our shelves.
Somehow we managed to take ourselves down
And found one another while out on the town.
You gave me your number for reasons well known
And now you weep as you drive home alone.
It’s hard to make love when the romance is dead
It causes confusion in your heart and your head.
There’s a battle inside as your mind and heart fight
While you lie by the wrong one in the middle of the night.
We now know the meaning to the words of that song
That it hurts to love someone and to the wrong one belong.
HOLLYWOOD WOMAN
Hollywood woman, I’m in love with you
Though you’re always on your own stage.
Some days you love me and some days you don’t
No wonder I’m in such a rage.
You baited your hook
Then threw me a line
And like a big crayfish
I thought you were mine.
But you have that fever
To fish other streams
And you’ll be the cause
Of many men’s dreams.
For other men have loved you
And other men have cried.
Every last one of them
Has felt you inside.
Before long you’ll grow old
And your looks shall fade
And all you’ll have left
Is your video parade.
Those who once loved you
Will be dead or gone
And you’ll lie alone
In silence till dawn.
A MAN’S BEST FRIEND
A man’s best friend is still his faithful dog
Who anxiously awaits his return home.
Where would man be without his canine love
When his human mates have left him alone.
If a man was as good as his dog thinks
He’d be more famous than a football star.
It’s too bad our wives don’t feel the same way
I guess its because they know how we are.
Man has no fear of his dog’s love for life
Though it’s usually man who buries his pet.
It matters not be they large or small
What animal has loved man more, as yet?
GETTING OVER HER
I thought we’d raise our only child
And feed him with a spoon
But, his mother loves another
And they’re on a honeymoon.
All my friends say I must stop
Loving her, of course
So I drove my Ford to a honky tonk
Still lonely from divorce.
From out of my chair, I must get up
And ask someone to dance
For, if I plan to get over her
I know I’ll need romance.
The dance floor is almost full
Of country kings and queens.
I feel a pair of eyes
Just checking out my jeans.
I can see a smiling face
I’m almost at a run
For I know if I dance
I’m going to have some fun.
She stands up from her table
And reaches for my hand
Then I lead the both of us
Right up in front of the band.
Somebody turned the spotlight
Toward the dance floor ball.
She is so beautiful
I’m afraid I might fall.
Here I go, a-gambling
A gambling with my heart
For when I love a woman
It always hurts to part.
BODY HEAT 1O5
We drank several glasses of champagne
In the living room of her house.
Around 9:30 that evening
I found myself in her blouse.
I fondled and kissed her so gently
Like the soft footsteps of a mouse.
To my surprise, she opened her eyes
And said, “look, we’re not going to play house.”
I right away replaced her clothing
And buttoned her blouse once more.
There was no doubt of my defeat
As I lay there upon the floor.
She said, “tell the truth, are you angry?”
I answered, by far I was not
“It’s more important what you think of me
Than what I may not have got.”
She wiped away a tear from both eyes
And said, “you’re my kind of man.”
At that point, she did arise
And to me she held out her hand
She led me away like a blind man
Who had somehow lost his cane.
When we reached her bedroom door
I thought I’d gone insane.
Before long, we found ourselves naked
As she held me in her palm.
Can you dare imagine, my friend
How hard it was for me to stay calm?
We touched all the forbidden places
As our body heats reached 105
If love’s relief had not been achieved
I doubt if we’d still be alive.
WITHOUT LOVE
Life is simply a circus
With too many fools on the stage.
There ‘s greed, fear and indifference
As many hearts suffer from rage.
Divorce is like a bad book
Where the heroes get killed off to soon.
When we reach the point the light goes out
Then we’ll stand up and leave the room.
Without love we become such fools
In a desert which has gone all dry.
When the one we love ignores us
There’s nothing to do but cry.
The worst curse that one can endure
Are those who just wish to take.
When all we give is our own love
To find out we’ve made a mistake.
Of all the prizes life may bring
To be loved is by far the best.
That’s why so many search for it
For without love, what good is the rest?
THAT OLD COVERED BRIDGE
We returned to that old covered bridge
Where as sweethearts we used to go.
To kiss, hug, and squeeze in the shadows
While beneath us the water would flow.
Up under its wood roof of shingles
Is where we took refuge from the rains.
Carved in some boards within that old bridge
Side by side you’ll still find our names.
Our memories of our past childhood
Are a gift from God for us to keep.
Like that picture you once gave me
Which I peaked at before I could sleep.
We find ourselves back at that old bridge
Only now, with our kids to catch fish.
We pray someday that they’ll find love
And come here with someone, just to wish.
SOME MEN PRAY
Some men pry to marry the woman they love
Where my prayers can’t help but somewhat vary
As I humbly pray to heaven above
That I am loved by the woman I marry.
The essence of love is its spiritual fire
And there’s nothing more sought after on earth.
Man’s only escape is his own flight
But what, without love would his life be worth.
Love can be man’s worst pain or best pleasure
A dangerous gamble he must take in life.
For he who falls in love with the wrong woman
Shall find all he’s worked for belongs to his wife.
THE COAL MINER
Coal mines in my daddy’s day
Were dug with strong hands and back.
They got larger and deeper
As the lungs of the miners turned black.
Cave-ins, fires and explosions
Were my father’s daily fear.
But what choice has a man
When the wolf of hunger is near.
With three small kids and a wife
There were five stomachs to fill.
As we lived in poverty
In our shack below a hill.
I feel his blood within me
As the years of my life pass by
I’m proud that dad dug King Cole
For a miner so am I.
Life to me is but a rose
Though it’s thorns can make me cry.
And like my dad before me
To my Lord I will not lie.
In cold earth someday I’ll sleep
With a shinny stone above.
Carved in it, shall be the words
I have known the joy of love.
ADAM THE LONELY
Adam, the lonely was chased from God’s land
When Eve picked that apple with her foolish hand.
Delilah, the evil, cut a champion’s hair off
When Samson; the strong man’s heart became soft.
David the shepherd, a king among men
Was teased by Bathsheba and driven to sin.
A man needs a woman to build up his pride
To bolster his ego and to lay by his side.
Life mates are a treasure and difficult to find
I feel like a blind man who’s lost in a mine.
Lord, I’m a sad soul with no hand to hold
Searching for someone who’ll love me when I’m old.
TO HAVE AND TO HOLD
Our house is big, though our family’s small
The phone’s off the hook, cause we don ‘t want a call.
I need you darling more than anything
For your sweet kisses make a sad man sing.
I can feel life’s clock as it pounds away
While the moon says hello to the dying day.
I pray to partake every sight and sound
While I still enjoy the right side of the ground.
Nothing beats the love of a willing mate.
So little time for fun before it’s too late.
The Lord made you for me and me alone
And not for others that you might have known.
LOVER’S TOAST
Come to me with just your love
And I will pledge you mine.
Feel my lips and share my glass
And we shall sip red wine.
You’re the red rose of my day
And the lily of my night.
Nothing is so grand in life
As when you seize me tight.
Love’s uncertain future is
Where mankind’s torments dwell
With both it’s pain and pleasure
Our lust is alive and well.
DADS AT WAR
Where would I be without you dad
My hero of night and day?
I’m so glad you love my mother
And take time for us to pray.
The last time we played baseball
You reached for me with your hand.
I looked at you, then made a wish
That I might be just half the man.
I love my father of earth,
And I love my Father of heaven.
It’s a lot for me to love, you know
For I’m only eleven.
Mom and I sure miss you
Since you left to defend our flag.
When others ask, where is your dad
I can’t help but boast and brag.
MOMMA
Oh, I love my momma
She’s the reason I’m alive.
Her total love for me
Has made her struggle and strive.
Jesus had a momma
Who bore Him in a cave.
She couldn’t help but love Him
From His birth to the grave.
Should I hang on the highest hill
My momma would be there.
I know her love would follow me
My Angel of despair.
Her hair is now all silver
As I hold her fingers, worn.
Oh, God, bless this wrinkled brow
From whose body I was born.
LETTERS
We were just the best of friends
I knew him all my life.
I’m sure that he, towards the end
Found out I love his wife.
He drove his car right off a cliff
And crashed into the sea.
I know it was no accident
For a skillful driver was he.
He must have found our letters
Of love that shouldn’t be.
He’s the type to harm himself
Instead of killing me.
As I looked in his wife’s eyes
She sadly said to me,
Instead of us, he killed himself
Because of lovers, such as we.
Lord, have mercy on our souls
For her husband, my friend, has died!
No one else may ever know
But God how much we’ve lied.
HONEYMOON CRUISE
The gulls have gone long ago
As we sail a peaceful sea.
The skies are blue, soft and kind
Where else would we wish to be.
Late at night, as we embrace
In front of a reggae band.
You kiss me, and then you whisper
I want to be alone with my man.
A little after midnight
We both slip away.
In such of some time
For the games lovers play.
Alone in our cabin
Your skin is so soft.
I’m just that angel
Who fell from aloft.
After twenty-five years
Of our love has gone
It’s a honeymoon cruise
We find ourselves on.
May the Lord show mercy
On any of those
Who have never been loved
Or ever been chose.
MY LOVE of LIFE
Wise men learn more from watching fools
Than fools do from watching wise men.
I should know for I’ve been both
I can ‘t believe how lucky I’ve been.
Everyday as I speak out
With verse I come alive.
My lust for life shall be fulfilled
As another day I survive.
I take the clay of every day
And mold it to my fashion.
All I need is my true love
Whose heart flows free with passion.
I thank the Lord who watches us
For blessings which are mine;
That I’m festive, fit and free
To love my wife who’s sweeter than wine.
LITTLE BABY
Little baby, I love you
For you are a part of me
Each and every inch you’ll grow
I want to be there to see.
Someday you’ll chase fireflies
Who ride the breath of the winds.
Someday you’ll be all grown up
And out on the town with friends.
You have your daddy ‘s freckles;
You’ve got your mommy’s eyes.
I pray to God every day
You’ll survive all of life’s lies.
Little babies shoot up fast
As they need to stretch and grow.
They do such things as children do
In a world they’ve yet to know.
Someday you will understand
How your parents feel inside
Someday you’ll have your babies
And raise them with great pride.
Of all the gifts that life may bring
A sweet baby is still the best
Your mom and I shall love you
Till the day we’re laid to rest.
ONE MAN’S PRAYER
Where are the women who need a good man?
Where are the women with love in their hand?
Where are the children who played on the lawn?
Where are the children when mom and dad are gone?
What about the marriage that began with smiles?
What about the marriage that ended in trials?
What about the future of all involved?
What about the problems that must be solved?
Answer these questions that tear at my heart.
Answer these questions that keep us apart.
WHAT LOVE MEANS TO ME
I know now for sure what love means to me
It’s a chance to be needed and to give happily.
For I’ve felt what it’s like to be sad and alone
And wish for that someone I could call my own.
It’s just like young Adam when he lost his rib bone
God gave him Eve, so he wouldn’t sleep alone.
When a man loves a woman, there’s many lessons he’ll learn
As she respects him, her favors he’ll earn.
One thing for certain, when your thoughts are for real
As you hug and you kiss, you love how you feel.
Some live a lifetime just a step from love
You are that person who gave me my shove.
The world has both givers and those on the take
Life can be bad if your love’s a mistake.
I can’t help realize how lucky I’ve been
For you are my wife, but best of all, my friend.
I WON’T BE THERE
It‘s true; I’ve been living with a looser
And it’s been going on too long
I’ve prayed for the courage and, now I have it
To sing you your farewell song.
I won’t be there in the morning when you need me!
I won’t be there when you call on the phone!
I won’t be there in the bed beside you
As you lay by yourself alone!
Too many times at night I’ve cried
Wondering why you won’t just come home
Staring at the clock on the wall
As I lie half awake by the phone.
For so long it was enough that I loved you
Though now my heart needs more.
So, I’ve packed up my bags and my pictures
And I’m on my way out the door.
WHEN YOU LOVE A MEAN WOMAN
When you love a mean woman it hurts down deep
In the middle of the night when you find you can’t sleep.
I remember those times we kissed in the park
Covered by moonbeams and stars in the dark.
You told me you loved me and would never run away
Though now, there’s another with whom you play.
Somebody tell me what I’m doing wrong
Somebody show me before I’ve waited too long.
Other women I’ve met, they remind me of you
It makes me afraid of what they might do.
But life without love isn’t living at all
Everyone needs someone who waits for their call.
I thirst for a woman who will love me again
One who needs both a husband and friend.
Dear Lord, I pray for my angel of love
So I may fly high on the wings of a dove.
SHE’S MY BUDDY
Adam and Eve lay beneath the stars.
I wonder if their love was as strong as ours?
Darling, I love you, I’m not afraid to say
Our love just grows with each passing day.
I was afraid our love would grow cold
That’s what I’ve always by others been told.
I’m glad they were wrong, so I sing this song
For you are the woman to whom I belong.
Without your concern I have nothing at all
There’s no one to help me should I take a fall.
I need your love it builds up my pride
Bolsters my ego and stands by my side.
Many men still search for someone like you
Case to find a good woman isn’t easy to do
Lord, I thank you for the love of my life
For she is my buddy as well as my wife.
OUR MOTHER’S LOVE
Our mother’s love like a candle
Burns brightly upon the shelf.
As she lights the way for all others
Never thinking of herself.
Seven little kids in a farmhouse
By my moms hard work survived.
Through her love and faith in Jesus
We learned how to struggle and strive.
The lilacs still bloom by the window
Where our mom would quilt and sew.
In the winter she’d sing by the fire
To the tunes she thought we should know.
Our father labored at a quarry
In the dust of the earth every day.
He worked so hard for his money
For the bills our family must pay.
Little sister came down with pneumonia
And almost died in bed.
Our momma lie sick beside her
Putting cool rags on her head.
We were sure glad to see daddy’s face
As he drove up our driveway
He ran up and into the house
Then knelt by their bed to pray.
Oh, Lord, please save my family
From the fever that burns within
For we have always loved Jesus
And will serve Him till our end.
Our mother and sister survived
But daddy, he died long ago.
When it’s our time for heaven
We’ll see many that we know.
TILL THE END of TIME
I feel like Samson pushing the stone
For I gave into love and now I’m alone.
Betrayed by a woman, I gambled and lost
And now I suffer what disloyalty cost.
Samson was blinded by the blade of a knife
After his capture by the love of his life.
Imprisoned forever and forced to grind grain
To spectator laughter, the whip and the chain.
The same so am I, a victim of chain
For I’ve too many memories of you in my brain.
Together my darling from a window we shall peer
It will be from heaven both faraway and near.
The heirlooms of tomorrow the woman and the man
Waiting for our ashes to sift through the sand.
I will love you always, till the end of time
Now and then dreaming of when you were mine.
SAD DAD IN JAIL
They put me in prison for the deed I’ve done
I killed the drunk driver who crippled you, son.
Your mother, my wife, she died in the wreck
That’s the reason I broke that man’s neck.
His dad was a rich man, who pulled lots of strings
So well connected he could do many things.
I live in this hellhole with all sorts of men;
I’m sure glad most like me and call me their friend.
The food here is so awful, I’ve lost many pounds
I’d rather feast on the vittles the guards toss the hounds.
At night we play cards and you don’t dare cheat
For if you get caught, you’ll be stomped on by feet.
Most inmates fashion some sort of knife
To help out their odds in a fight for their life
I took me a padlock and snapped it on a chain
Then hid it in my pant-leg to keep from being slain.
I get to see you on our family day
The worst part about it, is when you cry as you play.
Many times you question, “Dad, when can you leave?”
As the tears from your eyes drop to my sleeve.
Our visit is now over as they wheel you away
I whisper, “I love you” and you see what I say.
It’s time to go back to my one-room, shared cell
And try to write a song about a sad dad in jail.
SOLDIER IN THE RAIN
I’m just a soldier who stands in the rain
My memories of home are what keep me sane.
Back home is a land of milk and honey
Ruled by lust and love of money.
But, what can I say, when I serve her true
For I volunteered to see this war through.
Now, that I’m here, it’s hard to believe
We’re just the victims of those who deceive.
As darkness falls on the rice fields of Nam
Scared men with rifles walk the shadows of the calm.
It’s thousands of miles to the steps of my church
With its stained glass, steeples and lost souls who search.
Off in the distance I see an arc light
Bombs being dropped on children at night.
I’ve seen that evil they call the “yellow rain”
And how life withers when it’s sprayed by a plane.
All of my buddies have been taken away
No more touch football will they ever play.
Zipped in their body bags for the long trip home
Are some of the bravest, I’ve ever known.
War is a hell, devised by man
There’s death in the sea, the sky and the land.
Lord, I can’t help but wish I were home
Back with my love, whom I hope is alone?
WE WISH YOU WERE HOME
I remember that fair in September
As we waited for a Ferris wheel ride
Just as you reached for my fingers
I felt how I loved you inside.
The next thing I knew we were airborne
Above all the eyes of the crowd
Surrounded by rainbows of neon
As the moon popped from behind a cloud.
You asked, “daddy, do you love me”
I answered I couldn’t live without you.
Then you reached up and tugged on my collar
As we flew in that chair painted blue.
Now you are grown and gone
And have marched away to war.
As I’m writing this letter
I yearn for your knock at our door.
I got out some rags and the wax
And gave your old Ford a rubdown.
I went for a ride of remembrance
While its mufflers made your favorite sound
I drove by the park to ponder
Those ball games we loved to play.
I can ‘t help but worry and wonder
If you’ll ever come home to stay.
Your girlfriend still teaches school
We see her every seventh day.
There’s no doubt who she thinks of
When she folds her hands to pray.
Your mother still talks to your picture
As she works at her sewing machine.
I hope my son you realize
How much to us you mean.
PLEASURE SEEKERS
That road of pleasure seeking
Has so many deep pitfalls
And all the while we walk on it
In the distance the devil calls.
Some folks drink those bubbly spirits
Or smoke that tall green weed
Anything to dull their conscience
As they sow their wild oat seed.
I’ve been no angel in my life
Though I fell from a righteous shelf
When I took those risky chances
And tried both, many times, myself.
Now I’m tired of being foolish.
So I sing my songs at church
With one eye on my hymnbook
And the other free to search.
If you’re yearning to love someone
Let’s get together and seek no more
Kiss and fondle by the fire
And push pillows across the floor.
For we need love, health and money
And may we live to enjoy them all
Before we ‘re old and in our autumn
And our leaves begin to fall.
THE FIRST ONE TO LOVE ME
The first one to love me was you; Lord
And nothing can take that away.
My soul is refreshed by living water
While my heart flows with love each day.
I thank you for the love of my family
And I thank you for the love of my life.
I thank you for all of the blessings
You give to each husband and wife.
Your glory rides high on the sunsets
Your voice is the thunder of rain.
I thank you for all of the heavens
And Jesus who came to be slain.
I feel when your eyes are upon me
As you listen to my humble cry
You’ve redeemed the soul of your servant
To dwell in your mansion on high.
I’ll claim each and every promise
From the Lord of the earth and sky.
I’m so glad I’m free from my bondage
Of the grave where my body shall lie.
I thank you for parting the darkness
And guiding my footsteps each day.
I thank you for being my shepherd
You’ve walked with me all the way.
I know your armor protects me
From the devil in search of his feast.
And all who are lost without you
Shall dwell in hell with the beast!
CHRISTMAS IS COMING
Christmas is coming and I’m all alone
With no one to snuggle at night.
My wineglass is empty to help dull the desire
To kiss you by soft candlelight.
A rare pearl of value, you don ‘t leave alone
Or someone will steal them from you.
After they’ve gone and flown far away
It’s hard to know just what to do.
I’m watching my neighbors hang lights on their tree
With tinsel and striped candy cane.
I took you for granted and didn’t hug enough
And now I must suffer my pain.
Lord, I’m so lonely; I wish I could die
Then be born to relive again.
I realize the value of someone to love
And the danger of my selfish sin.
There’s a ring on my phone and a knock at the door
Which do I dare go for?
If neither is you, I’ll break down and cry
And again pound my fist on the floor.
I run down the hall and the doorknob turns
As the swirling snow rides on the wind.
There, in my doorway, it’s the face I love
Such a beautiful present to send.
Now, I am happy and dancing around
With a permanent smile on my face.
As children are singing their Christmas love songs
And the world is a wonderful place.
PATHWAYS
Lord, I’m so lonely, I thirst everyday
In search of the love I need
like a man in prison with no warmth at night
A slave who seeks to be freed.
For I need a woman who will heal my heart
So my life won ‘t seem so wrong.
I’ll lie down beside her and gamble again
Then sing of our love in a song.
Remember, young Adam, your first favorite born
Who slept in your garden alone.
You took form his body and transformed some flesh
Then gave him a woman unknown.
Whichever the pathway I should choose to take
I realize that there will be brambles.
For the man who has visions everyday of his life
Will always be the same who gambles.
Now, to heaven I pray, for my treasure of life
After searching the deserts in vain.
I’m tired of mirages from fool-hearted women
Please give me someone who’s sane.
May her eyes be turquoise with cheeks like peaches
Ripe and ready to risk.
Soon they’ll turn rosy when she sneaks a peek
To the tingle of where I kiss.
Though I will love her, I shall never follow.
Nor will I ever lead.
I’ll walk beside her and share all I have
For the children who spring from seed.
If we should argue about foolish things
I ‘d rather be loved than right.
Then when I lie down at the end of my day
I’ll sleep with a smile at night.
ENCHANTED
Over any man who feels lost without love
God gives women divine powers.
They can break our hearts or deflate our ego
And cause us to buy diamonds and flowers.
They have compelled kings and presidents to beg
Wild singles to commit to change their way.
Loving us with pleasures problematic to replace
With flashbacks of their passion night and day.
Women mother our babies who we love till death
For us to raise, protect and provide for.
They contribute revenue, affection and direction
With love, companionship and more.
They insist we never abuse or disgrace them
Cheat, lie or take their love for granted.
Which helps us to become more than we are
In love and totally enchanted.
WHISPERS
The one thing I’ve learned about happiness
It will never last pretending you’re not you.
Somehow, someway the truth will arise
And all that you hide will show through.
Sooner or later, one way or another
Something in your life seems wrong.
You go to bed unhappy and awake the same
Repeating life’s mistakes too long.
One day, to yourself, you begin to question
Is this who I am and wish to be
How will I choose to live the rest of my life
Till the angel of death comes for me?
Most people wish to be at peace with God
Oneself, and those we love.
Frequently taking a look at our past
Praying for guidance from above.
Thank heaven for the whispers from the heart
Which remind us that evil has it’s voice too.
It’s always a battle amid right and wrong
As we ponder and perform what we do.
LIFE
Life’s a book written through
Where the pages are the years.
There’s good, evil, false, and true
With laughter, sweat, and tears.
Our days are songs composed by God
As we set them to music with pleasure.
His cup of life is for us to drink
Though, He, decides the measure.
Hurried and worried, dawn till dusk
There’s no time for a curtain call.
We burn our candles from both ends
And we’re lucky to be alive at all.
Cards are shuffled and hands are dealt
For all to place their bets.
Youthful blunders, adulthood struggles
And old age, with its regrets.
It matters not, how long we live
But more, how well we play our part.
For the road to heaven is always near
As long as there’s truth in our heart.
EYES OF LOVE
A mind may see a thousand eyes
Though the heart yearns for two
When the eyes we love have up and gone
To the arms of someone new.
Eyes that twinkle, I distrust
For they are the distant stars.
Eyes in love have a steady glow
Like Venus, the Moon or Mars.
Eyes of love, like planets at night
Use borrowed light to shine.
Eyes are the living lenses
To the camera of our mind.
Eyes tend to believe themselves
Like the blind love of mothers.
Eyes speak without words
To the hearts and souls of others.
LOVE
No rope or cable can hold so tight
What love can do with twine.
No kiss can taste so bittersweet
As the one which captures our mind.
The first sign of love is the last of wisdom
As eager hearts fulfill desire.
Love is just a staple of life
Though heaven sparks the fire.
Heaven knows no rage like love
Once to hatred it has turned.
How wise are we who are such fools
Who forget the lessons we’ve learned.
Love, indeed, descends from heaven
Like a shooting star across the sky.
Love sometimes stirs the dust,
Till tears fall free from the eye.
God must love people in love
Or he wouldn’t make so many.
Those who claim it’s a mental disease
Have never been loved by any.
Love is stronger than life itself
And jealousy more cruel than the grave.
Men and women have loved one another
Since they spent their nights in a cave.
When the hands of love
Touch the strings of souls
There’ll be babies on the way.
That’s the basic rules of life
No matter what games we play.
Like the flowers in the fields
We shed our shields
To be warmed by the sun.
We live our lives the best we can
Till death catches us on the run.
MY WILD ROSE
You ‘re the full moon of my nights
And the sunshine of my day.
Like a queen upon her throne
You rule what I do and say.
It’s God who makes us beautiful
And the Devil who makes us mean.
It all depends on whom we follow
Which way our lives shall lean.
With one foot in the future
And one foot in the past
Let us try to live our days
As though each was our last.
You’re the wild rose of my life
My flower of desire.
Made by God for me alone
Out of earth, stars and fire.
MY WIFE
You’re the bone of my bones
Who I love for my wife.
The flesh of my flesh
And my partner in life.
For me to have and to hold
For better or for worse.
To love and to cherish
Though we might fight and curse.
Be I richer or poorer
Till death makes us part
I will give you great portions
Of my soul and my heart.
Heaven won’t be heaven
If I don ‘t see you there
May the first to go
Be me, is my prayer.
FAMILIES
The first stage of a family group
Begins with husband and wife.
Shelters are rented, bought or built
As they yearn for more from life.
Families are found throughout the world
In bone clusters buried in caves
Where ancient people lived and loved
‘Till death placed them in their graves.
Humans still have that need to group
As a family to survive
They love and care for each other
In the world in which they strive.
Families are a nation’s crown jewels
Far more than a golden coin.
Members find love and sympathy
From the groups they’ve chosen to join.
TEARS
Tears are the raindrops of the soul
And there’s one for all who die.
They are the silent words of grief
As they fall free from the eye.
The shortest verse in the Bible
Is the one where Jesus wept
So, if you hold back tears, “shed them”
When your pains too harsh to accept.
Tears are lovelier than a smile
When they come from those you love.
As they seek relief from sadness
When you’re summoned from above.
Tears are a love-mates humble gift
When it’s time to say goodbye
Though the eyes are wet and swollen
With time and patience they dry.
LOVE & ELECTRICITY
Love and electricity are a lot alike
For we never seem to miss them till their gone.
We need both, every day of our life
And even more so between twilight and dawn.
Love resembles a self-consuming amber
A static current of both pain and pleasure.
It can warm our bed and lighten the darkness
And for most who don ‘t have it, it’s a treasure.
We can turn it on or we can turn it off
Depending on whatever we’re forced to do.
It may shock us, please us, thrill us, or hurt us
Though once without it, we can’t wait to renew.
THE SEED OF LOVE
A kindly woman can make a sad man sing
With her love and affection winter seems like spring.
Of all the pleasures in life given to a man
There’s nothing beats the touch of a woman’s soft hand.
God saw Adam alone on Eden’s floor
Then decided to give him Eve’s love and much more.
So take what you need from she chosen for you
Then rid thyself of others and to her be true.
The Lord planted love within mankind’s heart
Though things can grow sour when from Him we depart.
Love and **** are but two sides of life’s golden coin
So be ready for both no matter whom you join.
FORGIVE ME
Forgive me, forgive me
And I’ll kiss your tears away.
You’re the first thing and the last
I think of every day
Let bygones be bygones
And be willing to forgive.
And I will love you only
Every moment I live.
I love you and I need you
It’s a fact and not a lie
So if you plan to punish me
Say anything, but good bye.
PARTING
The truest words, which portray my love
I speak to you from within m
Julie Matthews
Antony Heywood asked:
What is a Child Trust Fund?
You have a new arrival in the family. A wonderful new addition, something that will enrich your life but there is so much to learn and you need to learn it quickly. One of the last things on your mind is the fund for university, or their first car, or their wedding but the Child Trust Fund
provides a start for all of these outcomes.
The Child Trust Fund is a long-term saving account that the child can withdraw the money from once they become an adult at the age of 18. The government in the UK provides you with a child trust fund voucher or CTF with the value of £250. If your household income is less that £15,575 you will also receive a top up of on top the initial £250. The top up is linked to the amount of Child Tax Credit that you receive. You need to make sure you make the claim your child tax credit within the first three months of the babies birth as the government will only back date the payments for three months. You don’t want to miss out.
To qualify for a Child Trust Fund your child must:
• Been born on or after 1st September 2002
• Not be subject to immigration control
• Lives in the UK
• You receive Child Benefit for the child
There are different types of child trust fund schemes and a large variety of Child Trust Fund
providers. The maximum that can be saved, tax free, for a child each year is £1,200. Anyone can add money to the account for the child, it is not just limited to the parents. Everyone from grandparents, aunt, uncles, family friends that can all add money directly into the child trust fund account.
When the child reaches the age of seven the government will provide another £250 top up for the account. Those children on lower incomes will receive a further £250 in additional funding.
When the child reaches the age of 16 they will be able to make some decisions about how their child trust fund is managed but they will not be able to access the money in the account until they reach the age of 18.
The government hopes that the Child Trust Fund will provide a helping hand to a new generation of adults when those who qualify reach the age of 18. The first batch of those will be in 2020.
Tony Heywood ©
Child Trust Fund
Child Trust Fund Voucher
Tomika Villot
What is a Child Trust Fund?
You have a new arrival in the family. A wonderful new addition, something that will enrich your life but there is so much to learn and you need to learn it quickly. One of the last things on your mind is the fund for university, or their first car, or their wedding but the Child Trust Fund
provides a start for all of these outcomes.
The Child Trust Fund is a long-term saving account that the child can withdraw the money from once they become an adult at the age of 18. The government in the UK provides you with a child trust fund voucher or CTF with the value of £250. If your household income is less that £15,575 you will also receive a top up of on top the initial £250. The top up is linked to the amount of Child Tax Credit that you receive. You need to make sure you make the claim your child tax credit within the first three months of the babies birth as the government will only back date the payments for three months. You don’t want to miss out.
To qualify for a Child Trust Fund your child must:
• Been born on or after 1st September 2002
• Not be subject to immigration control
• Lives in the UK
• You receive Child Benefit for the child
There are different types of child trust fund schemes and a large variety of Child Trust Fund
providers. The maximum that can be saved, tax free, for a child each year is £1,200. Anyone can add money to the account for the child, it is not just limited to the parents. Everyone from grandparents, aunt, uncles, family friends that can all add money directly into the child trust fund account.
When the child reaches the age of seven the government will provide another £250 top up for the account. Those children on lower incomes will receive a further £250 in additional funding.
When the child reaches the age of 16 they will be able to make some decisions about how their child trust fund is managed but they will not be able to access the money in the account until they reach the age of 18.
The government hopes that the Child Trust Fund will provide a helping hand to a new generation of adults when those who qualify reach the age of 18. The first batch of those will be in 2020.
Tony Heywood ©
Child Trust Fund
Child Trust Fund Voucher
Tomika Villot
Beth Strong, Ma, Lpc asked:
Hope springs eternal, and there’s nowhere that’s more true than a couple taking the leap of faith into a second marriage. To all those who dare to hope that their second marriage (or third, or fourth) will be better than the last, I say congratulations and good luck! It takes a lot of courage to open your heart to try again! But also, take heed: you’ll have a much better chance of success if you follow some very important guidelines, particularly if either of you have children.
Let’s face it: relationships can be a challenge. Any long term relationship between two people moves through a set of predictable and important stages, each stage bringing something rich and healing to the partners, and each stage filled with snags and potholes along the way, any one of which can capsize a relationship. In a first marriage, these developmental stages usually start out in the open – that is, without the complications of children. For instance, most couples usually go through an initial period of intense closeness and bonding, when friends complain that they don’t see you any more, and nothing seems more important or exciting than spending time with your new beloved. This is a wonderful and exciting time, and actually serves to build a strong foundation for a long term relationship. We in the field of couples counseling hope to see that a couple has been able to spend as much as two or three years in this honeymoon period. It’s kind of like putting down a very big deposit on a new home: you are investing a lot of equity in the relationship, so that when things get tough – and they will get tough – you both have a rich and full memory bank of good times, being in love, and knowing that the relationship is important to you both, to draw from. These rich memories give us the fortitude and determination to put effort into the relationship when it’s most needed.
Couples who already have children from a former relationship before they meet each other don’t have the luxury of years of time where it is “just us.” They hit the ground running, and moving in together, a challenging time for many couples, can feel like they’ve just been hired to run a company when they feel like they’re still in high school.
The Pitfalls – And What to Do About Them
Unrealistic Expectations: Parents Hope, Children Fear
If you have been in a marriage (throughout this article, the reference to marriage will always include any form of long-term committed relationship, particularly if you have lived together, including same-sex marriages) that ended, whether by divorce or the death of a spouse, you probably know how hard it is to overcome the dread of thinking you could go through it again. Most people I counsel who are going through a divorce say they can’t even imagine dating, and have terrible fears about daring to trust and become vulnerable to another person again.
But, time does heal, and remarriages are evidence of the hope that marks us as human beings. A funny thing happens when we fall in love: we lose some of our take on reality. Not only are we starry-eyed for our new love, we are starry-eyed about a future with our new love. Don’t feel bad – this is normal. But it sure helps to know what the expectations are, so we don’t feel so horrible – like we’ve failed yet again – when things don’t pan out the way we expect them to.
Great Expectations, Just Not Realistic
Here are just some of the expectations we as parents unwittingly bring to a second marriage:
- love will conquer all
- your children will love your new spouse, or even like them, instantly
- your partner’s children will appreciate all the things you do for them as a step-parent, and your partner will appreciate all your help in raising them
- that this marriage will be much better than the last one that failed
- for a better life
- that everyone will get along
- that your new spouse will make parenting easier – some even expect the new spouse to be the new nanny – the “Mary Poppins Myth”
- that the new marriage will automatically create the structure of the nuclear family, that you will be in a “real family” after all
- that your partner’s ex, and the ex’s family, will just go away. “I will have my new husband/wife all to myself.”
- that you as new spouse / step-parent will have an equal vote in the matters of the family
Of these expectations, I find the most common mistake that new step-parents make is in expecting these “new” kids to automatically love them. For the most part, it just doesn’t happen that way. The greatest gift you can give to your new blended family is to give the children plenty of time – even a year or two – to figure out that you’re safe, worthwhile, and then, maybe even likeable. But of course, that will only happen if it’s true.
Children Have Hopes Too, But Also Have More Fears
Children in blended families have expectations too, although they tend to be more realistic about not being in love with your new partner as much or as quickly as you are. But they have a lot to adjust to, much more than most parents realize.
- children hope to be happier in a stable family, in both emotional and tangible ways: more fun at family celebrations than when mom or dad was single. Less stress for mom or dad because they have found someone to share their difficulties with. And they hope to benefit from there being more money, more presents on their birthdays and holidays, maybe bigger TV’s in the living room. Kids are kids.
- they assume their biological parent will be just as doting on them as they were when they were single, but fear they will lose their parent to the new spouse
- they fear they will lose attention from mom or dad, who now has to tend to step-siblings and a more complicated family life. These fears come from the “Wicked Step-Mother Myth.” No one sees themselves as the wicked stepmother, but most of us see ourselves as Cinderella.
- they fear the new step-parent will disapprove of them simply for existing, and be a harsh disciplinarian. Even if the step-parent is not, the child may perceive him or her to be overly harsh, overly disapproving, since there isn’t as much of a counterpoint in the deep abiding love that comes with being a biological parent.
- they fear having to share their new lives with the unknown step-siblings: have to share a room, time with mom, mom’s loyalties, available money for college tuition or special trips, even inheritances.
- they fear losing contact with the non-custodial parent, especially if they allow themselves to get close to their new step-parent. They are very afraid of hurting the non-residential parent’s feelings. They may also fear having to live in two homes, and worry a lot about the parent they aren’t with when they are gone.
- children fear getting close to their new step-parent only to find that mom or dad will break up with them, too, initiating yet another devastating loss and feelings of abandonment. Kids desperately need to know they can attach to a parental figure and be safe from abandonment or neglect. Under their wariness of the new step-parent, there is often a longing to trust.
- children often hold on to the hope and even expectation that Mom and Dad will someday reunite. This is true even after one or both parents have remarried – young children can imagine that all of you – Mom, Dad, and Step-Parent, will live in one house happily ever after. Even older children, and even adult children, often long for the reunification of their biological parents.
Dealing With Expectations, Hopes and Fears – the Best Prevention
There’s no question hope is a good thing. It’s what keeps us going and motivates us to create better lives. The only trouble is when our hopes are misguided, unrealistic, and unexpressed. Too often they turn into expectations and just set us up for disappointment. After one failed marriage, disappointment too often makes a person feel they not only failed again, but that they are a failure. But such a tragic loss can be prevented by knowing what to expect.
It’s always smart to sit down with your partner and discuss as many of your expectations and assumptions as possible about family life (feel free to borrow from the list above.) It’s also a good question to ask of yourself and each other when problems do arise: what are the expectations I’ve brought to the situation? Often we expect too much, or we expect our partner to know what our own expectations are, to read our minds. They don’t, and they can’t. Even if they do know our hopes, even our assumptions, that doesn’t mean they can fulfill them, or that it’s even their job to make us happy. Keep in mind that building a strong and happy blended family is a very difficult task at best, and perhaps try to put your hopes on an extended time line. Know that each of these developments might be possible, but they will most undoubtedly take longer than you’d like. That they don’t just happen, but need our skills and patience to bring them about.
It’s also important to spend time alone with your biological children, and help them talk about their hopes and fears. If you can’t get yourself out of the way (i.e. you hope so desperately that they will love your spouse that you can’t stand it that they don’t yet like her or him) then support your child in having someone else to talk with – a counselor or another adult that they trust. It’s best if they can talk with you and tell you their fears, but remember they might be as afraid of telling you as they are of losing you. Children often resolve their issues easily once they know someone is listening, and this can prevent a lot of difficult behavior along the way.
Resentment and Jealousy – The Insider / Outsider Syndrome
No one wants to believe they enter into a new marriage only to feel excluded once the children become a part of the relationship. Yet this is one of the most predictable stages that occurs in blended families. The task of the new couple is to learn to create a sense of togetherness – to build on activities that bring teamwork and a sense of accomplishment for the team, for the two adults. While you have a ready-made set of challenges by virtue of the very existence of the children one or both of you brought to the marriage, this is a very difficult challenge to meet, especially as the first challenge in the marriage, because you have the task not just for you as a couple but for you as an extended family. When it doesn’t happen, instead of feeling like a happy, well-unified family, almost everyone feels like an outsider.
The step-parent feels like an outsider because they are just joining a team (biological parent and her or his kids) that has been going strong for years. There are hundreds of “inside jokes,” secret non-verbal communication that has developed naturally between parent and child, between siblings, and lots of subtle references made about people who are known only to the biological family. The step-parent is also not yet seen as an authority figure, a true parental disciplinarian, and is often undermined by the biological parent. This makes the step-parent feel like there is no place for them, and they often retreat with the attitude of Why bother?
The child or children often feel like outsiders of the new love affair between the biological parent and the new step-parent. If a child has become the subject of shared custody with both biological parents, and spend roughly equal time with both biological parents, they often don’t have a primary home. After a week at Dad’s, coming back to Mom and Step-Dad can make the child feel like he or she is “just visiting.” There’s a certain hidden luxury for couples whose children spend time with the divorced parent in that they get regular time off from parenting, and can enjoy a semblance of “married without children” time together. They can get close again, and recharge their batteries. But when the children come back, it can feel like they are intruding on the romantic time of the new couple. There are changes in the household they haven’t been a part of, even if it’s as simple as a housecleaning. And while the parents are adjusting to the children being back, sensitive kids will pick up that they have just interrupted something, as if you are smoothing out your clothes from an intimate moment.
If both partners have children and one set of kids lives with another parent and “visits” the other parent who is now in a new marriage, the “visiting children” feel like outsiders to the new nuclear family. As a child I visited my Dad in Germany, where he lived for 19 years with his second wife and two children from their marriage. I hardly knew my dad, let alone his second wife and my half-brother and half-sister. While they were very welcoming and loving, and accepted me readily into their “tribe,” there was no question who the new person was. I felt like a stranger in my dad’s home. After my mother remarried, her second husband’s two children, who lived with their mother, would visit occasionally, until they were old enough to choose on their own not to come anymore. They felt so unwelcomed by my mother, and even their father (my step-father) that it was painful to be with us. My step-brother told me much later that he thought we – my mother and sisters, were his father’s “real family,” while he and his sister, my step-father’s “real kids,” were the result of a big mistake. I had had exactly the same feeling about my relationship with my father and his second family. Another example is when a step-parent has bonded so well with his new family that the new set of children, whether stepchildren or biological children with the new spouse, trump the children from the former marriage. This plays out at important family functions, where the biological children play no part – even at the parent’s funeral.
The only one who doesn’t feel like the outsider in this family structure is the biological parent. Far from having the “easy role,” they must play the mediator, and often feel terribly torn between children and spouse. Most of the responsibility of making the new family structure work seems to fall on their shoulders. Often it’s easier for the biological parent to maintain the single-parent role with their kids; as if the parent just happens to have a live-in boyfriend / girlfriend, even once they are married. The continuing challenge of keeping each side of the equation – kids and spouse – happy is like walking a tightrope. Some will come to the task, exhausting as it is, and keep trying to cultivate a relationship between spouse and children. Some will give up when it seems like the two sides will never meet. Some biological parents, often the father, will actually pull away from one side or the other – his kids or his wife – because trying to integrate them is too hard. This is sad because it can lead to defeat of the marriage, and no one wins.
The tug of war is even more compounded when one or both ex-spouses are co-parenting their children. That ex-spouse usually comes with his or her family, with whom the biological parent must at least cooperate for the sake of the children. If both partners of the new marriage have children and an ex-spouse who co-parents, this new marriage must balance relationships and in-laws in multiple directions!
From Lonely Outsider to “Doh-Si-Doh”: Finding the Rhythm of the Dance
There’s no way that everybody will feel central to the family all the time. The task is to make it normal for everyone to be in a dance with each other, and to make the dance fun. Another essential task of a marriage is for the couple to become comfortable with each other’s separateness, or individuation – following the call of their own life development. This can be a stumbling block for many couples who resist the shift away from an early symbiotic closeness where everything they do is together. However, making this shift is essential for a successful marriage. It will also help tremendously in countering insecurities when jealousies between children and spouses arise. In essence, it’s about finding the balance where everyone needs the biological parent – the hub of the family – just a little bit less, and hopefully begin to interact with each other – step-parent and step-children, step-siblings with each other – more and more.
Step-parents can be creative about ways to connect with their new spouse’s kids. It’s a good idea for parents to discuss how the step-parent can be more involved, from attending parent/teacher conferences at school to teaching a child a skill the step-parent can do, attending basketball games together, or just taking the time to listen to the child’s telling of their day. I’ve found that when kids don’t open up right away, sometimes just hanging out in the same room, without the TV on, gives rise to conversation. And conversation gives rise to, well, finding out things about your kids. By the way, the challenge of spending non-TV time together with kids is not limited to blended families – everybody struggles with this. The first thing to do is turn off the TV, then look around for a fun way to get out of the house – together.
Balance of Power, Not Power Struggle
Not only is there a challenge in balancing alliances and keeping everyone happy. There’s often a tug of war for power.
Often in a divorce suit one parent is hoping to have more control over their children’s lives than the other parent. However, more and more often, both parents share joint custody, which means both parents have to communicate in decision-making for their kids. This is troublesome enough, but it can also lead to confusion for the new step-parent: just how involved should the new step-parent be?
A new step-parent has a difficult role to fill: is he or she a parent, a friend, a baby-sitter, or a mere adult who happens to share living space? The unfortunate side-effect to not knowing the answer to this question is that the child or children often end up with too much power. Instead of the parents acting as a team, children learn they can pit one parent against the other. They do this in biological nuclear families, but they do it even more in blended families. Children can manipulate their biological parent to feel guilty (it’s an easy place to go – parents usually feel guilty already for a divorce) for not giving them what they want. A biological parent feels uneasy about the new step-parent’s style of giving discipline, so they step in to “save” the child. The new step-parent loses their power, and the child learns he or she can get away with just about anything.
Sometimes a new step-parent will feel they have to make up for a deficit in a former spouse’s shortcomings as a parent, and “straighten the kids up.” This usually meets with defeat, and resentment on all ends. Maybe the “corrective” parenting style of a step-parent can be effective in time, but only after an initial relationship-building period has occurred, establishing a strong sense of respect and acceptance on both sides. This can and usually does take years. Until then, the step-parent is best situated to remain a firm and friendly authority figure who supports the biological parent’s role.
It is important that neither the biological parent nor the step-parent give up their role as the responsible adult in the house. In time the children will find comfort rather than resentment in the structure that you uphold. Keep in mind an interesting piece of research about children and their need for boundaries: Researchers observed children playing in a back yard. In the first case the yard was open to the neighborhood, no fence or closure. The children played together huddled close to each other and close to the house. In the next case the children played in the same size yard, this time with a secure fence around it. The children enjoyed the full length of the yard, now confident they were safe with a known boundary in place. Lesson: children need structure, boundaries, and the firm and aware presence of a competent adult in their midst. While they might outwardly bristle at parental discipline, underneath they feel relieved. They are not adults, and no matter what they might say, they really do know they want and need the adults to be in charge.
Trouble Signs – What to Watch Out For
Every family has its ups and downs, and some families have extra challenges with “high-need” children, or even “high-need” parents. A certain amount of strife is to be expected, and should not cause alarm.
However, some things are sure signs a relationship is in trouble. Here is a list that has been cultivated by many couples therapy specialists with decades of experience. Take a look, and if any of these signs has been occurring for more than a few weeks, it’s time to get some help. Remember, we didn’t come into this world knowing how to build rockets without lots of training. Why should we expect that managing the foibles of a blended family should be an easier?
1. The couple has stopped talking with each other about family issues, and even avoid each other’s company. When they do talk, it is laced with sarcasm, a deadly form of indirect anger. This is a big red flag, because it represents a breakdown in willingness to work as a team, and suggests hopelessness has set in. Many people find dealing with conflict to be difficult, which it is, until we’ve learned some effective conflict-resolution skills. Take heart: these skills work, and many therapists can help you learn them with your spouse. It’s actually easier than you think, and tremendously rewarding to actually resolve problems.
2. The household has become a democracy, in that the children are too involved in making decisions. It’s the parents’ role to make the decisions for the children, who feel burdened by too much responsibility. It has been a trend in the last generation or two to give children more of a voice in family matters, in reaction to a much more repressive parenting style in the ‘40’s and ‘50’s. I think this is a good change – kids deserve to be listened to, and probably need to be heard even more. But being listened to is a separate process from kids making decisions, which must remain firmly in the hands of the adults. When adults have given too much responsibility to their children, it suggests the parents have trouble being adults themselves.
3. Some parents get into a competition about their kids, and which kids will benefit from the family resources. It becomes “my kids vs. your kids.” Once parents become polarized like this, nobody wins and everyone feels uneasy. Again, parents will benefit by talking it out with each other and developing a policy that everyone knows and agrees to. This often shows up more in older families, where couples have adult children who are expecting family benefits, like college tuition, wedding expenses, help with a down payment on a house, or even inheritances. Often, couples have a hard time getting past their fears of talking openly about what they feel comfortable with. It’s better, however, to talk it through than to wait to see how it plays out.
4. Parents are not using relationship skills to problem-solve family issues. Instead, one or the other parent unilaterally takes over parenting, disregarding the other parent’s contribution. Many step-parents have not been parents before the marriage, and don’t feel confident in their skills. The easiest thing is for the biological parent to assume full control. This might be appropriate in the beginning, but over time it is important to bring in the parental role of the step-parent, and when there are situations that he or she doesn’t know how to handle, that’s the time to ask for help from the biological parent. It’s okay to be a learner. There’s no one way to be the perfect parent, or there wouldn’t be radical parenting style shifts from one generation to the next. We are all experimenting. The biological parent has been practicing since their children’s birth. Many step-parents will enroll in a parenting class, such as Love and Logic, and many others. And all of us will regress to our own parents’ style (no matter how much we hated it growing up) when we are stressed. It takes a lot to be a good parent, so don’t beat yourself up, but do use resources.
5. The step-parent resents the biological parent’s kids coming to visit. This usually comes up after the routine has settled in and the step-parent finds that the biological children are not as accepting of the new spouse as they had hoped, or the kids are trouble-makers. “They just won’t warm up to me,” I often hear. This always suggests there is an underlying problem, where someone, often the children and the spouse, feel like outsiders. There is usually some difficult history here that needs to be dealt with – the “visiting” children didn’t get properly taken care of during a nasty divorce, or they resent their parent for moving on from the original family, or perhaps the step-parent is stuck in their expectation that their new life wouldn’t be “intruded upon” by the “leftovers” of a former marriage. These are tough images, but they do come up for people. When they do, it’s a strong indicator they would benefit from therapy. Most all of us come from imperfect families, and drag along our childhood wounds to our adult lives. There’s no shame in that, but hopefully we’ll be able to work on these issues without hurting the people we love. Therapy is a good way to do that.
6. The new step-parent feels like the new nanny. This is what I call the “Mary Poppins Myth,” that some people hope their new partner will fill the role of parent while the biological parent continues their life at work or is otherwise removed from the daily tasks of family life. Some couples agree to this arrangement, but forget to take into account that the children will be less eager to accept the new full time parent. Some partners don’t even realize they’ve put such a burden on their new spouse, but think of it as fulfilling a family tradition: “this is just how it’s done.” Whether it’s your tradition or not, you are still in a marriage that will require much more compromise and, in our culture, more equal footing. Otherwise, it is a setup for resentment to set in.
7. The children have stopped talking to the step-parent. In the first year or two, children are likely to be more ambivalent about getting close to the step-parent. But if they have moved closer and then have pulled back, there’s trouble. It’s important to investigate it sooner than later. Kids are generally less able to talk about problems than adults are, and can be even more reluctant to say something negative about a step-parent. Yet, if they feel hurt by a step-parent, and find that their biological parent is “siding with” the step-parent, the child feels more and more excluded, unimportant, and unwanted. Who wouldn’t feel angry? When this situation is allowed to ferment, long-term estrangement can develop, and that can take years to resolve. I have seen this over and over again, and the sad thing about it is that it usually starts with something very simple and mundane. The problem is that the small issues start to translate as a larger pattern or attitude – a chronic dynamic that everyone comes to expect. Again, this can happen in original (non-divorced) families as easily as in blended families, but it can be so destructive that it bears discussing here. When it gets to the point that no one can talk about it without a big blow-up, you do have another choice other than giving up: see a couples counselor. It’s better to start with couples counseling first because very often the underlying problems reside with the couple. If necessary, a session or two can include a child, to help everyone share their story and be heard. It’s always amazing to me how much is discovered by partners when they talk about things in therapy. Even after living together for years, there’s so much they don’t know about each other, often because they don’t know what questions to ask, and they often have a hard time hearing the answers. Couples therapists are skilled at helping everyone truly be heard. Once you know how the other person feels underneath the surface issue, much more resolution is possible.
Overwhelming Doesn’t Mean Impossible – Therapy Can Help!
If taking on a blended family seems overwhelming, take heart: it is. But it can also bring tremendous joy when those hard won moments finally happen, and your spouse’s child voluntarily offers a kind word, or even a small hand. When your step-daughter asks you to walk her down the aisle. When your stepson surprises you years later with a simple thank you for being a part of his life.
So many options and directions for growth open up when a couple comes to therapy. Some people think therapy is “just for nuts,” that needing therapy is a clear sign of weakness or that if you need it, something is wrong with you. That might have been true decades ago, but both therapy and the people who use it have changed a lot in the last several years. Most of the people I see are very ordinary people who are needing a little guidance in an area of their lives, or they might feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the life task set before them. Couples work is usually short term, and can help a family shift quickly to a much more satisfying way of life. Unfortunately, too many couples wait until they are on the brink of divorce before getting help, and by then it is usually too late. Some therapists advocate treating marriage like we take care of our cars: we bring them in for tune-ups. I personally have found NOTHING more challenging than being in a marriage and raising a child, and believe the help gained through therapy is the best resource there is.
Above all, when a blended family succeeds, it gives everyone the experience that marriage can work, family can be a good thing, and that we are lucky to come from family who loves us. I am hearing this more and more in my practice as grown children from blended families are able to look back with appreciation for their parents’ struggles and accomplishments. I’m also seeing more adult children whose parents, disengaged from them at some point because of divorce, have reunited and have learned to become friends. So often, these healed relationships begin with one simple gesture: reaching out.
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Thanks to the following people for their resources, knowledge, and wisdom, and their generosity in sharing it.
Dr. James Bray, author of Step Families: Love, Marriage, and Parenting in the First Decade, Broadway Books, 1998.
Ellyn Bader of the Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA.
The following therapists who contributed to my understanding of issues in blended families: Roxanne Barksdale, LCSW, Amy McNulty, Ph.D., Jean Sutton, LPC, Jean Pollock, LCSW, Janet Bychek, LCSW, and Don Wilde, Ph.D.
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For More Articles by Therapists on this and other Topics, go to http://www.therapylinx.com.
Vicente Lawerence
Hope springs eternal, and there’s nowhere that’s more true than a couple taking the leap of faith into a second marriage. To all those who dare to hope that their second marriage (or third, or fourth) will be better than the last, I say congratulations and good luck! It takes a lot of courage to open your heart to try again! But also, take heed: you’ll have a much better chance of success if you follow some very important guidelines, particularly if either of you have children.
Let’s face it: relationships can be a challenge. Any long term relationship between two people moves through a set of predictable and important stages, each stage bringing something rich and healing to the partners, and each stage filled with snags and potholes along the way, any one of which can capsize a relationship. In a first marriage, these developmental stages usually start out in the open – that is, without the complications of children. For instance, most couples usually go through an initial period of intense closeness and bonding, when friends complain that they don’t see you any more, and nothing seems more important or exciting than spending time with your new beloved. This is a wonderful and exciting time, and actually serves to build a strong foundation for a long term relationship. We in the field of couples counseling hope to see that a couple has been able to spend as much as two or three years in this honeymoon period. It’s kind of like putting down a very big deposit on a new home: you are investing a lot of equity in the relationship, so that when things get tough – and they will get tough – you both have a rich and full memory bank of good times, being in love, and knowing that the relationship is important to you both, to draw from. These rich memories give us the fortitude and determination to put effort into the relationship when it’s most needed.
Couples who already have children from a former relationship before they meet each other don’t have the luxury of years of time where it is “just us.” They hit the ground running, and moving in together, a challenging time for many couples, can feel like they’ve just been hired to run a company when they feel like they’re still in high school.
The Pitfalls – And What to Do About Them
Unrealistic Expectations: Parents Hope, Children Fear
If you have been in a marriage (throughout this article, the reference to marriage will always include any form of long-term committed relationship, particularly if you have lived together, including same-sex marriages) that ended, whether by divorce or the death of a spouse, you probably know how hard it is to overcome the dread of thinking you could go through it again. Most people I counsel who are going through a divorce say they can’t even imagine dating, and have terrible fears about daring to trust and become vulnerable to another person again.
But, time does heal, and remarriages are evidence of the hope that marks us as human beings. A funny thing happens when we fall in love: we lose some of our take on reality. Not only are we starry-eyed for our new love, we are starry-eyed about a future with our new love. Don’t feel bad – this is normal. But it sure helps to know what the expectations are, so we don’t feel so horrible – like we’ve failed yet again – when things don’t pan out the way we expect them to.
Great Expectations, Just Not Realistic
Here are just some of the expectations we as parents unwittingly bring to a second marriage:
- love will conquer all
- your children will love your new spouse, or even like them, instantly
- your partner’s children will appreciate all the things you do for them as a step-parent, and your partner will appreciate all your help in raising them
- that this marriage will be much better than the last one that failed
- for a better life
- that everyone will get along
- that your new spouse will make parenting easier – some even expect the new spouse to be the new nanny – the “Mary Poppins Myth”
- that the new marriage will automatically create the structure of the nuclear family, that you will be in a “real family” after all
- that your partner’s ex, and the ex’s family, will just go away. “I will have my new husband/wife all to myself.”
- that you as new spouse / step-parent will have an equal vote in the matters of the family
Of these expectations, I find the most common mistake that new step-parents make is in expecting these “new” kids to automatically love them. For the most part, it just doesn’t happen that way. The greatest gift you can give to your new blended family is to give the children plenty of time – even a year or two – to figure out that you’re safe, worthwhile, and then, maybe even likeable. But of course, that will only happen if it’s true.
Children Have Hopes Too, But Also Have More Fears
Children in blended families have expectations too, although they tend to be more realistic about not being in love with your new partner as much or as quickly as you are. But they have a lot to adjust to, much more than most parents realize.
- children hope to be happier in a stable family, in both emotional and tangible ways: more fun at family celebrations than when mom or dad was single. Less stress for mom or dad because they have found someone to share their difficulties with. And they hope to benefit from there being more money, more presents on their birthdays and holidays, maybe bigger TV’s in the living room. Kids are kids.
- they assume their biological parent will be just as doting on them as they were when they were single, but fear they will lose their parent to the new spouse
- they fear they will lose attention from mom or dad, who now has to tend to step-siblings and a more complicated family life. These fears come from the “Wicked Step-Mother Myth.” No one sees themselves as the wicked stepmother, but most of us see ourselves as Cinderella.
- they fear the new step-parent will disapprove of them simply for existing, and be a harsh disciplinarian. Even if the step-parent is not, the child may perceive him or her to be overly harsh, overly disapproving, since there isn’t as much of a counterpoint in the deep abiding love that comes with being a biological parent.
- they fear having to share their new lives with the unknown step-siblings: have to share a room, time with mom, mom’s loyalties, available money for college tuition or special trips, even inheritances.
- they fear losing contact with the non-custodial parent, especially if they allow themselves to get close to their new step-parent. They are very afraid of hurting the non-residential parent’s feelings. They may also fear having to live in two homes, and worry a lot about the parent they aren’t with when they are gone.
- children fear getting close to their new step-parent only to find that mom or dad will break up with them, too, initiating yet another devastating loss and feelings of abandonment. Kids desperately need to know they can attach to a parental figure and be safe from abandonment or neglect. Under their wariness of the new step-parent, there is often a longing to trust.
- children often hold on to the hope and even expectation that Mom and Dad will someday reunite. This is true even after one or both parents have remarried – young children can imagine that all of you – Mom, Dad, and Step-Parent, will live in one house happily ever after. Even older children, and even adult children, often long for the reunification of their biological parents.
Dealing With Expectations, Hopes and Fears – the Best Prevention
There’s no question hope is a good thing. It’s what keeps us going and motivates us to create better lives. The only trouble is when our hopes are misguided, unrealistic, and unexpressed. Too often they turn into expectations and just set us up for disappointment. After one failed marriage, disappointment too often makes a person feel they not only failed again, but that they are a failure. But such a tragic loss can be prevented by knowing what to expect.
It’s always smart to sit down with your partner and discuss as many of your expectations and assumptions as possible about family life (feel free to borrow from the list above.) It’s also a good question to ask of yourself and each other when problems do arise: what are the expectations I’ve brought to the situation? Often we expect too much, or we expect our partner to know what our own expectations are, to read our minds. They don’t, and they can’t. Even if they do know our hopes, even our assumptions, that doesn’t mean they can fulfill them, or that it’s even their job to make us happy. Keep in mind that building a strong and happy blended family is a very difficult task at best, and perhaps try to put your hopes on an extended time line. Know that each of these developments might be possible, but they will most undoubtedly take longer than you’d like. That they don’t just happen, but need our skills and patience to bring them about.
It’s also important to spend time alone with your biological children, and help them talk about their hopes and fears. If you can’t get yourself out of the way (i.e. you hope so desperately that they will love your spouse that you can’t stand it that they don’t yet like her or him) then support your child in having someone else to talk with – a counselor or another adult that they trust. It’s best if they can talk with you and tell you their fears, but remember they might be as afraid of telling you as they are of losing you. Children often resolve their issues easily once they know someone is listening, and this can prevent a lot of difficult behavior along the way.
Resentment and Jealousy – The Insider / Outsider Syndrome
No one wants to believe they enter into a new marriage only to feel excluded once the children become a part of the relationship. Yet this is one of the most predictable stages that occurs in blended families. The task of the new couple is to learn to create a sense of togetherness – to build on activities that bring teamwork and a sense of accomplishment for the team, for the two adults. While you have a ready-made set of challenges by virtue of the very existence of the children one or both of you brought to the marriage, this is a very difficult challenge to meet, especially as the first challenge in the marriage, because you have the task not just for you as a couple but for you as an extended family. When it doesn’t happen, instead of feeling like a happy, well-unified family, almost everyone feels like an outsider.
The step-parent feels like an outsider because they are just joining a team (biological parent and her or his kids) that has been going strong for years. There are hundreds of “inside jokes,” secret non-verbal communication that has developed naturally between parent and child, between siblings, and lots of subtle references made about people who are known only to the biological family. The step-parent is also not yet seen as an authority figure, a true parental disciplinarian, and is often undermined by the biological parent. This makes the step-parent feel like there is no place for them, and they often retreat with the attitude of Why bother?
The child or children often feel like outsiders of the new love affair between the biological parent and the new step-parent. If a child has become the subject of shared custody with both biological parents, and spend roughly equal time with both biological parents, they often don’t have a primary home. After a week at Dad’s, coming back to Mom and Step-Dad can make the child feel like he or she is “just visiting.” There’s a certain hidden luxury for couples whose children spend time with the divorced parent in that they get regular time off from parenting, and can enjoy a semblance of “married without children” time together. They can get close again, and recharge their batteries. But when the children come back, it can feel like they are intruding on the romantic time of the new couple. There are changes in the household they haven’t been a part of, even if it’s as simple as a housecleaning. And while the parents are adjusting to the children being back, sensitive kids will pick up that they have just interrupted something, as if you are smoothing out your clothes from an intimate moment.
If both partners have children and one set of kids lives with another parent and “visits” the other parent who is now in a new marriage, the “visiting children” feel like outsiders to the new nuclear family. As a child I visited my Dad in Germany, where he lived for 19 years with his second wife and two children from their marriage. I hardly knew my dad, let alone his second wife and my half-brother and half-sister. While they were very welcoming and loving, and accepted me readily into their “tribe,” there was no question who the new person was. I felt like a stranger in my dad’s home. After my mother remarried, her second husband’s two children, who lived with their mother, would visit occasionally, until they were old enough to choose on their own not to come anymore. They felt so unwelcomed by my mother, and even their father (my step-father) that it was painful to be with us. My step-brother told me much later that he thought we – my mother and sisters, were his father’s “real family,” while he and his sister, my step-father’s “real kids,” were the result of a big mistake. I had had exactly the same feeling about my relationship with my father and his second family. Another example is when a step-parent has bonded so well with his new family that the new set of children, whether stepchildren or biological children with the new spouse, trump the children from the former marriage. This plays out at important family functions, where the biological children play no part – even at the parent’s funeral.
The only one who doesn’t feel like the outsider in this family structure is the biological parent. Far from having the “easy role,” they must play the mediator, and often feel terribly torn between children and spouse. Most of the responsibility of making the new family structure work seems to fall on their shoulders. Often it’s easier for the biological parent to maintain the single-parent role with their kids; as if the parent just happens to have a live-in boyfriend / girlfriend, even once they are married. The continuing challenge of keeping each side of the equation – kids and spouse – happy is like walking a tightrope. Some will come to the task, exhausting as it is, and keep trying to cultivate a relationship between spouse and children. Some will give up when it seems like the two sides will never meet. Some biological parents, often the father, will actually pull away from one side or the other – his kids or his wife – because trying to integrate them is too hard. This is sad because it can lead to defeat of the marriage, and no one wins.
The tug of war is even more compounded when one or both ex-spouses are co-parenting their children. That ex-spouse usually comes with his or her family, with whom the biological parent must at least cooperate for the sake of the children. If both partners of the new marriage have children and an ex-spouse who co-parents, this new marriage must balance relationships and in-laws in multiple directions!
From Lonely Outsider to “Doh-Si-Doh”: Finding the Rhythm of the Dance
There’s no way that everybody will feel central to the family all the time. The task is to make it normal for everyone to be in a dance with each other, and to make the dance fun. Another essential task of a marriage is for the couple to become comfortable with each other’s separateness, or individuation – following the call of their own life development. This can be a stumbling block for many couples who resist the shift away from an early symbiotic closeness where everything they do is together. However, making this shift is essential for a successful marriage. It will also help tremendously in countering insecurities when jealousies between children and spouses arise. In essence, it’s about finding the balance where everyone needs the biological parent – the hub of the family – just a little bit less, and hopefully begin to interact with each other – step-parent and step-children, step-siblings with each other – more and more.
Step-parents can be creative about ways to connect with their new spouse’s kids. It’s a good idea for parents to discuss how the step-parent can be more involved, from attending parent/teacher conferences at school to teaching a child a skill the step-parent can do, attending basketball games together, or just taking the time to listen to the child’s telling of their day. I’ve found that when kids don’t open up right away, sometimes just hanging out in the same room, without the TV on, gives rise to conversation. And conversation gives rise to, well, finding out things about your kids. By the way, the challenge of spending non-TV time together with kids is not limited to blended families – everybody struggles with this. The first thing to do is turn off the TV, then look around for a fun way to get out of the house – together.
Balance of Power, Not Power Struggle
Not only is there a challenge in balancing alliances and keeping everyone happy. There’s often a tug of war for power.
Often in a divorce suit one parent is hoping to have more control over their children’s lives than the other parent. However, more and more often, both parents share joint custody, which means both parents have to communicate in decision-making for their kids. This is troublesome enough, but it can also lead to confusion for the new step-parent: just how involved should the new step-parent be?
A new step-parent has a difficult role to fill: is he or she a parent, a friend, a baby-sitter, or a mere adult who happens to share living space? The unfortunate side-effect to not knowing the answer to this question is that the child or children often end up with too much power. Instead of the parents acting as a team, children learn they can pit one parent against the other. They do this in biological nuclear families, but they do it even more in blended families. Children can manipulate their biological parent to feel guilty (it’s an easy place to go – parents usually feel guilty already for a divorce) for not giving them what they want. A biological parent feels uneasy about the new step-parent’s style of giving discipline, so they step in to “save” the child. The new step-parent loses their power, and the child learns he or she can get away with just about anything.
Sometimes a new step-parent will feel they have to make up for a deficit in a former spouse’s shortcomings as a parent, and “straighten the kids up.” This usually meets with defeat, and resentment on all ends. Maybe the “corrective” parenting style of a step-parent can be effective in time, but only after an initial relationship-building period has occurred, establishing a strong sense of respect and acceptance on both sides. This can and usually does take years. Until then, the step-parent is best situated to remain a firm and friendly authority figure who supports the biological parent’s role.
It is important that neither the biological parent nor the step-parent give up their role as the responsible adult in the house. In time the children will find comfort rather than resentment in the structure that you uphold. Keep in mind an interesting piece of research about children and their need for boundaries: Researchers observed children playing in a back yard. In the first case the yard was open to the neighborhood, no fence or closure. The children played together huddled close to each other and close to the house. In the next case the children played in the same size yard, this time with a secure fence around it. The children enjoyed the full length of the yard, now confident they were safe with a known boundary in place. Lesson: children need structure, boundaries, and the firm and aware presence of a competent adult in their midst. While they might outwardly bristle at parental discipline, underneath they feel relieved. They are not adults, and no matter what they might say, they really do know they want and need the adults to be in charge.
Trouble Signs – What to Watch Out For
Every family has its ups and downs, and some families have extra challenges with “high-need” children, or even “high-need” parents. A certain amount of strife is to be expected, and should not cause alarm.
However, some things are sure signs a relationship is in trouble. Here is a list that has been cultivated by many couples therapy specialists with decades of experience. Take a look, and if any of these signs has been occurring for more than a few weeks, it’s time to get some help. Remember, we didn’t come into this world knowing how to build rockets without lots of training. Why should we expect that managing the foibles of a blended family should be an easier?
1. The couple has stopped talking with each other about family issues, and even avoid each other’s company. When they do talk, it is laced with sarcasm, a deadly form of indirect anger. This is a big red flag, because it represents a breakdown in willingness to work as a team, and suggests hopelessness has set in. Many people find dealing with conflict to be difficult, which it is, until we’ve learned some effective conflict-resolution skills. Take heart: these skills work, and many therapists can help you learn them with your spouse. It’s actually easier than you think, and tremendously rewarding to actually resolve problems.
2. The household has become a democracy, in that the children are too involved in making decisions. It’s the parents’ role to make the decisions for the children, who feel burdened by too much responsibility. It has been a trend in the last generation or two to give children more of a voice in family matters, in reaction to a much more repressive parenting style in the ‘40’s and ‘50’s. I think this is a good change – kids deserve to be listened to, and probably need to be heard even more. But being listened to is a separate process from kids making decisions, which must remain firmly in the hands of the adults. When adults have given too much responsibility to their children, it suggests the parents have trouble being adults themselves.
3. Some parents get into a competition about their kids, and which kids will benefit from the family resources. It becomes “my kids vs. your kids.” Once parents become polarized like this, nobody wins and everyone feels uneasy. Again, parents will benefit by talking it out with each other and developing a policy that everyone knows and agrees to. This often shows up more in older families, where couples have adult children who are expecting family benefits, like college tuition, wedding expenses, help with a down payment on a house, or even inheritances. Often, couples have a hard time getting past their fears of talking openly about what they feel comfortable with. It’s better, however, to talk it through than to wait to see how it plays out.
4. Parents are not using relationship skills to problem-solve family issues. Instead, one or the other parent unilaterally takes over parenting, disregarding the other parent’s contribution. Many step-parents have not been parents before the marriage, and don’t feel confident in their skills. The easiest thing is for the biological parent to assume full control. This might be appropriate in the beginning, but over time it is important to bring in the parental role of the step-parent, and when there are situations that he or she doesn’t know how to handle, that’s the time to ask for help from the biological parent. It’s okay to be a learner. There’s no one way to be the perfect parent, or there wouldn’t be radical parenting style shifts from one generation to the next. We are all experimenting. The biological parent has been practicing since their children’s birth. Many step-parents will enroll in a parenting class, such as Love and Logic, and many others. And all of us will regress to our own parents’ style (no matter how much we hated it growing up) when we are stressed. It takes a lot to be a good parent, so don’t beat yourself up, but do use resources.
5. The step-parent resents the biological parent’s kids coming to visit. This usually comes up after the routine has settled in and the step-parent finds that the biological children are not as accepting of the new spouse as they had hoped, or the kids are trouble-makers. “They just won’t warm up to me,” I often hear. This always suggests there is an underlying problem, where someone, often the children and the spouse, feel like outsiders. There is usually some difficult history here that needs to be dealt with – the “visiting” children didn’t get properly taken care of during a nasty divorce, or they resent their parent for moving on from the original family, or perhaps the step-parent is stuck in their expectation that their new life wouldn’t be “intruded upon” by the “leftovers” of a former marriage. These are tough images, but they do come up for people. When they do, it’s a strong indicator they would benefit from therapy. Most all of us come from imperfect families, and drag along our childhood wounds to our adult lives. There’s no shame in that, but hopefully we’ll be able to work on these issues without hurting the people we love. Therapy is a good way to do that.
6. The new step-parent feels like the new nanny. This is what I call the “Mary Poppins Myth,” that some people hope their new partner will fill the role of parent while the biological parent continues their life at work or is otherwise removed from the daily tasks of family life. Some couples agree to this arrangement, but forget to take into account that the children will be less eager to accept the new full time parent. Some partners don’t even realize they’ve put such a burden on their new spouse, but think of it as fulfilling a family tradition: “this is just how it’s done.” Whether it’s your tradition or not, you are still in a marriage that will require much more compromise and, in our culture, more equal footing. Otherwise, it is a setup for resentment to set in.
7. The children have stopped talking to the step-parent. In the first year or two, children are likely to be more ambivalent about getting close to the step-parent. But if they have moved closer and then have pulled back, there’s trouble. It’s important to investigate it sooner than later. Kids are generally less able to talk about problems than adults are, and can be even more reluctant to say something negative about a step-parent. Yet, if they feel hurt by a step-parent, and find that their biological parent is “siding with” the step-parent, the child feels more and more excluded, unimportant, and unwanted. Who wouldn’t feel angry? When this situation is allowed to ferment, long-term estrangement can develop, and that can take years to resolve. I have seen this over and over again, and the sad thing about it is that it usually starts with something very simple and mundane. The problem is that the small issues start to translate as a larger pattern or attitude – a chronic dynamic that everyone comes to expect. Again, this can happen in original (non-divorced) families as easily as in blended families, but it can be so destructive that it bears discussing here. When it gets to the point that no one can talk about it without a big blow-up, you do have another choice other than giving up: see a couples counselor. It’s better to start with couples counseling first because very often the underlying problems reside with the couple. If necessary, a session or two can include a child, to help everyone share their story and be heard. It’s always amazing to me how much is discovered by partners when they talk about things in therapy. Even after living together for years, there’s so much they don’t know about each other, often because they don’t know what questions to ask, and they often have a hard time hearing the answers. Couples therapists are skilled at helping everyone truly be heard. Once you know how the other person feels underneath the surface issue, much more resolution is possible.
Overwhelming Doesn’t Mean Impossible – Therapy Can Help!
If taking on a blended family seems overwhelming, take heart: it is. But it can also bring tremendous joy when those hard won moments finally happen, and your spouse’s child voluntarily offers a kind word, or even a small hand. When your step-daughter asks you to walk her down the aisle. When your stepson surprises you years later with a simple thank you for being a part of his life.
So many options and directions for growth open up when a couple comes to therapy. Some people think therapy is “just for nuts,” that needing therapy is a clear sign of weakness or that if you need it, something is wrong with you. That might have been true decades ago, but both therapy and the people who use it have changed a lot in the last several years. Most of the people I see are very ordinary people who are needing a little guidance in an area of their lives, or they might feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the life task set before them. Couples work is usually short term, and can help a family shift quickly to a much more satisfying way of life. Unfortunately, too many couples wait until they are on the brink of divorce before getting help, and by then it is usually too late. Some therapists advocate treating marriage like we take care of our cars: we bring them in for tune-ups. I personally have found NOTHING more challenging than being in a marriage and raising a child, and believe the help gained through therapy is the best resource there is.
Above all, when a blended family succeeds, it gives everyone the experience that marriage can work, family can be a good thing, and that we are lucky to come from family who loves us. I am hearing this more and more in my practice as grown children from blended families are able to look back with appreciation for their parents’ struggles and accomplishments. I’m also seeing more adult children whose parents, disengaged from them at some point because of divorce, have reunited and have learned to become friends. So often, these healed relationships begin with one simple gesture: reaching out.
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Thanks to the following people for their resources, knowledge, and wisdom, and their generosity in sharing it.
Dr. James Bray, author of Step Families: Love, Marriage, and Parenting in the First Decade, Broadway Books, 1998.
Ellyn Bader of the Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA.
The following therapists who contributed to my understanding of issues in blended families: Roxanne Barksdale, LCSW, Amy McNulty, Ph.D., Jean Sutton, LPC, Jean Pollock, LCSW, Janet Bychek, LCSW, and Don Wilde, Ph.D.
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For More Articles by Therapists on this and other Topics, go to http://www.therapylinx.com.
Vicente Lawerence
lazyurl asked:
The Child Trust Fund (CTF) is a long-term savings and investment plan set up by the Government to encourage you to save for your children’s future. Applicable for all children born after 1 September 2002 and living in the UK, an initial £250 sum is paid out at birth (£500 if your household income is below £14,495)xfollowed by an additional £250 when your child turns seven. In addition to the money paid into this account by the Government, you, your family and friends can contribute up to £1,200 each year.
Your children’s voucher can be invested in one of three types of accounts: Cash, Stakeholder or Shares.
Cash Accounts operate much like savings accounts, with interest earned on the sum invested.
Stakeholder Accounts invest your children’s money in shares from a variety of companies, moving the money to lower risk investments or assets (lifestyling) when your child turns thirteen. The fees for these accounts are limited by the government to no more than 1.5% a year.
Shares Accounts operate similarly to the Stakeholder Accounts, but are not subject to the same government limitations on fee percentages.
So which type of account is best for you and how can you best compare Child Trust Funds?
The lower risk option is a cash account with the highest returns varying from 6-7%. Various websites compare the interest rates of numerous Cash Child Trust Fund accounts on the market and list which accounts offer introductory bonuses. Our table, which is very comprehensive, can be accessed at http://www.myeggnest.com/info/compare.aspx
Stakeholder and Shares Accounts potentially offer a much greater return in comparison to the cash accounts, but with a greater element of risk. To find an account which offers the best return on investment, MyEggNest.com compares the best performing Stakeholder Child Trust Fund accounts of the last two years and offers parent reviews of these products.
To compare Child Trust Funds, the return on investment from cash and shares differs widely. Compare £250 in the best cash savings account on offer (7.15% from Britannia Building Society) which will yield £287.03 over two years while the best performing stakeholder Child Trust Fund (Family Investment’s Ethical Account) will see this money grow to £377.70, a 25% higher return. If you invest the maximum annual allowance of £1,200 in this stakeholder account, your investment can be worth £1,812.96.
When you compare your children’s Child Trust Fund accounts, it is worth noting that funds which offer the greatest returns also offer the greatest risks. However, most experts will agree that over time shares will out perform cash savings.
“It is very important that parents and grandparents take a long-term view …. when you compare Child Trust Funds” says Tony Vine-Lott, director general of Tax Incentive Savings Association (TISA). Ben Yearsley of independent financial adviser (IFA) Hargreaves Lansdown. “I would back equities over cash. The markets go up and down and are volatile, but over such a time, it’s the best option.”
Which ever decisions you choose, you will still better off than the 25% of parents who choose not to do anything at all. Just remember to shop around and compare Child Trust Funds before you act, as it will be time well spent. Happy EggNesting!!!
Marvis Harmann
The Child Trust Fund (CTF) is a long-term savings and investment plan set up by the Government to encourage you to save for your children’s future. Applicable for all children born after 1 September 2002 and living in the UK, an initial £250 sum is paid out at birth (£500 if your household income is below £14,495)xfollowed by an additional £250 when your child turns seven. In addition to the money paid into this account by the Government, you, your family and friends can contribute up to £1,200 each year.
Your children’s voucher can be invested in one of three types of accounts: Cash, Stakeholder or Shares.
Cash Accounts operate much like savings accounts, with interest earned on the sum invested.
Stakeholder Accounts invest your children’s money in shares from a variety of companies, moving the money to lower risk investments or assets (lifestyling) when your child turns thirteen. The fees for these accounts are limited by the government to no more than 1.5% a year.
Shares Accounts operate similarly to the Stakeholder Accounts, but are not subject to the same government limitations on fee percentages.
So which type of account is best for you and how can you best compare Child Trust Funds?
The lower risk option is a cash account with the highest returns varying from 6-7%. Various websites compare the interest rates of numerous Cash Child Trust Fund accounts on the market and list which accounts offer introductory bonuses. Our table, which is very comprehensive, can be accessed at http://www.myeggnest.com/info/compare.aspx
Stakeholder and Shares Accounts potentially offer a much greater return in comparison to the cash accounts, but with a greater element of risk. To find an account which offers the best return on investment, MyEggNest.com compares the best performing Stakeholder Child Trust Fund accounts of the last two years and offers parent reviews of these products.
To compare Child Trust Funds, the return on investment from cash and shares differs widely. Compare £250 in the best cash savings account on offer (7.15% from Britannia Building Society) which will yield £287.03 over two years while the best performing stakeholder Child Trust Fund (Family Investment’s Ethical Account) will see this money grow to £377.70, a 25% higher return. If you invest the maximum annual allowance of £1,200 in this stakeholder account, your investment can be worth £1,812.96.
When you compare your children’s Child Trust Fund accounts, it is worth noting that funds which offer the greatest returns also offer the greatest risks. However, most experts will agree that over time shares will out perform cash savings.
“It is very important that parents and grandparents take a long-term view …. when you compare Child Trust Funds” says Tony Vine-Lott, director general of Tax Incentive Savings Association (TISA). Ben Yearsley of independent financial adviser (IFA) Hargreaves Lansdown. “I would back equities over cash. The markets go up and down and are volatile, but over such a time, it’s the best option.”
Which ever decisions you choose, you will still better off than the 25% of parents who choose not to do anything at all. Just remember to shop around and compare Child Trust Funds before you act, as it will be time well spent. Happy EggNesting!!!
Marvis Harmann
Joel Mullen asked:
When I speak on the topic of Cabin Trusts I have a goal. And that goal is to prove to everyone in attendance that, while transferring assets to the next generation is easy, the consequences of that transfer can be devastating to family relationships.
Without a Cabin Trust, the family cabin or vacation home is a time bomb of conflict and the fuse is lit when the parents pass away. How long the fuse is and when the bomb goes off depends on the family. With families that have a history of at least some family conflict, we generally have a short fuse and only enough time to run for cover. For families with no history of conflict, the fuse is a bit longer but it is burning. And sadly, for the latter family, when it blows they won’t even know how to duck.
That is why it pains me to hear my clients say, “the kids will just work it out”.
The truth is, this “gift” they plan to bestow on their children is an unworkable situation. A child that uses the cabin every weekend may be doing exactly what his parents intended. However, that doesn’t stop his younger brother from wanting to use it with his family alone. And their younger sister, who lives out of state and rarely gets to use the cabin, may feel she has been given less of an inheritance than her brothers and will eventually pressure them to sell.
And, of course, the brothers will not sell or buy her out. Why would they?
You see how each sibling is right and no one is entirely wrong? You can see how even in the best of families the sense of injustice will cause conflict to arise. The bomb is there and it will go off. It is not a question of if, only a question of when.
However, if simple yet essential planning is done, the fuse never gets lit. If you own a family cabin or vacation home and plan to leave it to your children, remember that no asset is worth the children fighting over. Create a cabin trust that sets down all the parameters and rules and manages “if/then” situations to keep your family safe, happy and together.
Carmela Knavel
When I speak on the topic of Cabin Trusts I have a goal. And that goal is to prove to everyone in attendance that, while transferring assets to the next generation is easy, the consequences of that transfer can be devastating to family relationships.
Without a Cabin Trust, the family cabin or vacation home is a time bomb of conflict and the fuse is lit when the parents pass away. How long the fuse is and when the bomb goes off depends on the family. With families that have a history of at least some family conflict, we generally have a short fuse and only enough time to run for cover. For families with no history of conflict, the fuse is a bit longer but it is burning. And sadly, for the latter family, when it blows they won’t even know how to duck.
That is why it pains me to hear my clients say, “the kids will just work it out”.
The truth is, this “gift” they plan to bestow on their children is an unworkable situation. A child that uses the cabin every weekend may be doing exactly what his parents intended. However, that doesn’t stop his younger brother from wanting to use it with his family alone. And their younger sister, who lives out of state and rarely gets to use the cabin, may feel she has been given less of an inheritance than her brothers and will eventually pressure them to sell.
And, of course, the brothers will not sell or buy her out. Why would they?
You see how each sibling is right and no one is entirely wrong? You can see how even in the best of families the sense of injustice will cause conflict to arise. The bomb is there and it will go off. It is not a question of if, only a question of when.
However, if simple yet essential planning is done, the fuse never gets lit. If you own a family cabin or vacation home and plan to leave it to your children, remember that no asset is worth the children fighting over. Create a cabin trust that sets down all the parameters and rules and manages “if/then” situations to keep your family safe, happy and together.
Carmela Knavel