Archive for January, 2009

family trust
Robert D. Cavanaugh, CLU asked:


As Father Time marches on, the question of what to do with the home becomes a greater concern. In some cases, ruminating on the alternatives can dominate one’s thinking. If a person is aware of the various options and chooses a path that makes the most sense, peace of mind can often be the result.

Studies have shown that 90% of married couples and 62% of single persons reach retirement owning their own homes. Coupled with non-monetary considerations of whether to stay or sell, one major objective is how to convert the equity in the home to an income.

In some cases, selling the home is the most attractive option. However, remaining in the home could be simpler and less stressful. Many people are too quick to jump to the “sell” option because they are not aware of all the options that would allow staying in the home and extracting the equity as well.

Weigh each of the following options against selling before throwing in the mental towel and listing the home.

An AARP study done in 2000 showed that more than 90% of seniors wanted to stay in their homes for as long as possible. Almost 82% still wanted to stay even if they needed care.

That is a very loud vote. Therefore, I would recommend looking at long term care insurance that either only provides home care or a more comprehensive plan that includes home care. Many seniors balk at the topic of long term care because they figure they will never go to the “home.” Statistically, 50% of them are right. What many fail to realize is that at some point almost everyone will need some kind of help. Home care benefits may provide the needed assistance while allowing the person to remain in their home.

As seniors age, the upkeep of the home may become overbearing. The lawn still needs cutting, the bushes trimmed and the flower beds kept free of weeds. The inside needs dusting; the carpet needs vacuuming and the windows need washing. Eventually, in many people’s minds, these become reasons to sell.

I would invite you to put a pencil to this. Look at hiring someone to come in and clean. Hire a lawn maintenance company or the teen-ager down the street trying to pay for his car. Having these things taken care of in this manner is a lot less expensive than moving to a retirement home.

If the home is too big, close some rooms off. If it cost too much to heat or cool, seal the vents in un-used rooms.

Sometimes it may make sense (both for the senior and the child) for one of the children to move in and serve as a caretaker, cook, lawn-cutter and/or pool boy/girl.

There are several ways to get the equity out of the home, while continuing to live in the home.

First, the home could be re-financed. Mortgage interest rates today are low. Properly invested, the funds released could cover the new mortgage payments. If not, the difference could be less expensive than rent. Depending on the person’s age, putting a part of the proceeds into an immediate annuity may even cover the mortgage payment and then some.

If the person has a retirement plan that mandates required minimum distributions starting at age 70 1/2, the interest deduction on the new mortgage could be a welcome offset to the RMDs, which must be included in taxable income.

For large estates subject to estate taxes, placing the home in a Qualified Personal Residence Trust (QPRT) can potentially remove the home, and any appreciation from the date of the transfer into the trust, from the taxable estate. Proper trust drafting can also provide for the housing needs of the survivor of a married couple and, ultimately, leave the home to the children.

Selling the home to the children is another option. By structuring the sale and lease back according to the rules, the $250,000 single person or $500,000 married couple capital gains tax exclusion could apply. Here, again, the parents would continue to live in the home and pay rent to the children. This removes the home from the taxable estate as well.

A gift-leaseback is an alternative. The value of the home will use up part (or all) of the lifetime unified credit. Consult a tax attorney if the value of the home is large and this option is one of the ones on the table.

If the homeowner(s) are age 62 or older, a reverse mortgage may be a viable option. The National Council on Aging calculates there are 13.2 million seniors who could qualify for a reverse mortgage of $20,000 or more. The average would be $72,000.

Reverse mortgages can reduce or eliminate the children’s inheritance. Today, there are Federal Rules for reverse mortgages and about 90% are federally insured. Fees can be high and will differ among lenders. Shop around.

Prior to making the decision to stay in the home or sell, each of these options should be part of the discussion among the senior, their children and financial advisors.



Jamie Mullinix
family trust
Abbi Rouse asked:


Families in Britain “continue to borrow big and spend bigger” despite the fact that economic pressures have grown on them in recent times, new research has revealed.

London Stock Exchange-listed investment trust company Alliance Trust has revealed in its Research Centre report a number of what it calls “headline” factors that British families need to be aware of, especially if they are considering taking on extra debts such as a personal loan in the near future.

The report – which has been going for ten years with the latest quarter two analysis released today – reveals that real earnings growth has now reached its lowest level at any time in the decade that the report has been running, while spending has increased over the last year. The same can be said for levels of household debt, seen in personal loans and secured loans, as well as credit cards and overdrafts.

“Far from never having it so good, we’ve seldom had it so bad, with homes squeezed by lower earnings growth, higher mortgage repayments and chronic council taxes, to name just a handful of issues”, said Shona Dobbie, head of Alliance Trust Research Centre.

“But British families continue to borrow big and spend bigger which confirms this reality just isn’t hitting home. It’s only really thanks to recent economic growth and lower utility prices that we’ve seen even a mild improvement in the predicament facing households”.

The financial reality index shows that household pressures, such as mortgage payments or secured loans and council tax bills, are leading to households “being squeezed”. The household budget index section of the report witnessed a slight rise, suggesting things are marginally better than at the same time last year, but Alliance Trust points out that the index score is still the third lowest on record and is approximately three times lower than in 1998.

According to the net wealth section of the report, however, this factor rebounded into positive territory for the first time since the first quarter of 2006, with consumer debt being counteracted by increasing house prices and rising equities.

Despite the increase in net wealth, the financial reality index has climbed but a few index points and still lies “below the critical territory” of 100 index points. Having been in what is known as negative territory for three years, its current position on 82.0 reflects a near five-point climb, but household budgets continue to “weigh heavily on the index”, according to Alliance Trust.

Alliance Trust was established in 1888 and has its headquarters in Dundee as well as offices in Edinburgh, London and Hong Kong, according to the firm’s website. At the end of January, it was managing a total of 2.8 billion pounds of assets.

Last month, Alliance & Leicester suggested that borrowers should consider low-rate loans when making big purchases, rather than relying on credit cards or forecourt finance for such requirements. It said that although many borrowers have “good intentions”, they could be losing out by not shopping around for the cheapest personal loan.



Grover Spanski
family trust
Paul McIndoe asked:


The cost of bringing up children and providing for their future, like everything else, is continuously increasing. In fact, a recent survey calculated that it currently costs a staggering £9,000 per year to bring up the average teenager, and the total cost of bringing up a child to the age of 21 years has been estimated to be just over £180,000.

Although it is too late to help the current crop of teenagers with seemingly expensive tastes through the transition into independent adulthood, the government has introduced a Child Trust Fund scheme that aims to help children born after 1st September 2002.

The scheme allows parents and the children themselves to save tax-free towards their future. Every child born on or after the qualifying date receives a voucher from the government to a minimum value of £250, which can be increased to a maximum of £500 for low-income families, to start their Child Trust Fund. There are a number of selected banks and building societies that offer specific child trust fund products, and the choice of which to invest in lies with the parents.

The voucher is invested in a fund holding stocks and shares, to which there is the option for additional amounts up to a maximum of £1,200 per annum to be added every year. Of course, as the values of stocks and shares can go down as well as up, the child trust fund is just one way of saving for your child’s future. It may be worth thinking of other ways to build up considerable nest-eggs.

For example, savings accounts should also be encouraged allowing children to pay their birthday monies or other funds that they receive from pocket money or doing odd-jobs, even part-time jobs directly into the account. That way, with the addition of annual interest, the child can not only watch their savings grow, but spread their investment across different methods of providing for their future.

For instance, a savings account into which £1,200 per year or £100 per month is invested can amount to a substantial amount of cash by the age of 18, without taking into consideration any compound interest added. Depending upon the interest rates earned over that period it could be considerably more; easily enough to provide for a good start to adult life for your child. Similarly, an investment in a child trust fund at the same amount could provide a healthy return, dependent upon the performance of the markets over that period.



Jeremiah Clagon
family trust
Joseph J. Dadich, CPA, Esq., LLM asked:


In the complex world of taxes, you have a number of choices when it comes to selecting a beneficiary (or beneficiaries) for your IRA. Some are appropriate. Unfortunately, some are major mistakes and can lead to delays and expenses in getting the funds to your desired recipients.

 

Some may even exclude some of your desired beneficiaries. In addition, some elections are for estate planning purposes. Let’s take a look at your options.

 

If you have No Beneficiary

 

Not recommended. This mandates your IRA be distributed according to your will, if you have one. If you don’t, each state has “intestate” rules that divide your estate up in ways you wouldn’t ever want.  I had a client out of New Jersey who’s dad had this issue when he died and unfortunately caused a $1.45mm tax over 5 years and no compounding effect.  An IRA with no beneficiary must be distributed within five years. By contrast, a named beneficiary can spread the distribution out over the balance of their life expectancy.

 

If you only name Your Estate

 

This has the same effect as the beneficiary is the same as not naming one. The rules require a “named” beneficiary. Now your IRA goes through the probate process. This costs money, takes time and subjects your IRA to your creditors.

The IRS has complex guidelines on how a Trust can qualify as a beneficiary of your Trust.  Do you really want to leave this to chance? What’s more, is why would you pay money to be represented by an attorney and have a judge in some probate court decide whom your beneficiary will be? Why should your beneficiaries have to wait around for your estate to be closed? What if your will is challenged? What if you have a big estate with estate taxes due and the IRS is questioning the valuation of your business?

 

I have seen estates open for as long as ten years as the debate goes back and forth between your attorney and the IRS. The worst case I can think of is your IRA completely eaten up by legal fees inasmuch it may be the only liquid asset.

 

Name your spouse as primary

 

This is the most common designation and makes the most sense for a number of reasons.

 

If the spouse is the sole beneficiary, he or she can elect to treat the IRA as his or her own. This opens up the possibility of delaying the start of the required minimum distributions (RMDs). This could be the spouse’s age 70 1/2, or for a Roth IRA, all the way to the death of the spouse. It also allows further “stretching” of the IRA as the spouse can spread the RMDs over their lifetime plus the lifetime of a beneficiary.

If the spouse is more than 10 years younger than a non-Roth IRA owner, their life expectancy can be used. Beneficiaries other than the spouse, who are more than ten years younger than the IRA owner, are treated as being no more than ten years younger for RMD purposes. This is another “stretching” advantage for naming the spouse as beneficiary.

 

Naming Children

 

If there is more than one child named, the youngest age is used for RMD purposes. However, if the children are beneficiaries of a trust, the oldest age is used.

If children are beneficiaries, they can take the RMDs over their life expectancy. Since the RMDs are very low at the younger ages, the account can grow substantially over the years. For example, a $100,000 IRA could distribute literally millions of dollars over the lifetime of a young beneficiary.

 

Grandchildren

 

Naming a grandchild gets into the generation skipping transfer tax area. But each person has a lifetime generation-skipping transfer tax lifetime exemption of $2,500,000 (in 2009). In any case, I would consult a tax attorney to make sure this beneficiary election coordinates with the balance of your estate plan.

Because grandchildren are even younger than children are, the lifetime income potential from RMDs would floor you. I can show you an example of the same $100,000 IRA used above as an example that would pay out 20 million dollars to a grandchild over their lifetime under the right circumstances.

The information was provided by Joseph J. Dadich, Esq. Expert Author/Attorney/CPA   Creator of ‘Emergency Estate Planning Documents’™  Get your FREE CD and $2,188 in Bonuses at www.1estateplanningmichigan.com or www.15criticalpoints.com

 



Carey Swygert
family trust
Klublok Chung asked:


According to the Australian Tax Commission’s internet site, if a loved one becomes deceased, testamentary trust should be made.

A compact summary of testamentary trust can be stated as follows:

1.  It is created by a will, and does not come into effect until after the individual who has penned the will has passesd away.

2.  It is not the same as the trust that is made to carry out the estate plans.

3.  It could have a predetermined expiry date, or be prepared to carry on for an indefinite time period. 

4.  It can be supervised by the will executor, a different beneficiary, or an external party.

The internet site also suggests that the information provided will not be adequate details for you to be able to prepare a testamentary trust.

If you find this obscure, do not be anxious.  By talking to a professional estate planner, estate planning information can be acquired and additional particulars expressed.

A testamentary trust is a tool founded by a will that permits a legal guardian to be selected to administer a bequest on behalf of a beneficiary, in a way conveyed by the will.

A testamentary trust is especially accommodating if you are taking care of someone with an intellectual impairment.  It helps to ensure that they are cared for and will continue to be after your death.

Frequent questions related to a testamentary trust are:

Does the legal guardian have to be a relation or can they be anyone, including someone salaried to represent on my behalf?

Will the legal guardian adhere stringently to your desires, or can they make substitute decisions if required?

If my family feels that the trustee is not making proper conclusions, what can they do about it?

To receive answers to these inquiries and others, seek a professional to assist you in arrangements for a testamentary trust for your estate plan.



Tambra Sonderman
family trust
TomZart asked:


Conservative Poet

Tom Zart’s 87 Poems of Love

Family & Faith


LIKE A LILY AMONG THE THORNS

Like a lily among the thorns,

So are you among the rest.

Your love is my joy of life

Which by God’s grace is the best.

When I sleep my heart is awake

It is the vice of love within.

By day or night I seek your love

My life mate, my partner, my friend.

You ravish my heart with just one look

When I’m less than you desire.

Your eyes speak without words

As displeasure kindles your fire.

Your beautiful and extraordinary

Like a fragrant flower from the wild.

I dream of the day you softly whisper

“My love, I carry your child.”

The vines put forth their tender grapes

The fig tree her sweet fruit of life.

My love for you is everlasting

As you nourish my need for a wife.

God gave man a woman to adore

And a woman a man to respect.

God gave us children we love till death

To provide for, cherish and protect.

Until it’s dawn and the shadows flee

I will hold you close and ponder

Our life together past and present


And may our future be blessed by wonder.



RELATIONSHIPS



One of the most rewarding things, each of us can do

Is the acknowledgment of others and their fears.

To promote their happiness and sense of worth

By our love, concern, laughter and tears.

Staying eager to display are willingness

To recognize our support from others.

Where would we be without the people we love

Friends, mom, dad, grandparents, sisters and brothers.

We treasure our relationships and pray to maintain them

As they give us our passion and purpose in life.

Cherishing our family, our faith, our country

Our honor, our husband or wife.

A SCORNFUL WOMAN & A SELFISH MAN

A scornful woman can rip you apart

Destroy your libido and harden your heart.

They shout their list of your every flaw

Declaring you’re lucky you get it at all.

A selfish man can become even worse

When they lie, cheat, beat, steal and curse.

Always demanding to stay king of the castle

As they force their partner to suffer their hassle.

A happy woman thrives on love, faith, family and friends,

A worthy man provides, protects and defends.

Say “No” to Satan and cast him out

Say “Yes” to Jesus and become his scout.

MY HOPE TO FIND LOVE



So here I am, like many times before

All alone with my face to the moon.

Down on knees praying God

For someone who will love me and soon!

The smallest deed done is better than intention

When you wish to receive wisdom from above.

No matter what happens, I refuse to give up

My hope to discover the magic of love.

The better the reason for my existence

The better the life I will live.

Searching for someone who will share their love

By their joy when it’s their turn to give.

My hope to find love has somewhat diminished

Though my need for romance still remains.

Sometimes I feel like Sampson himself

Broken hearted and shackled to chains.

THE GREATEST LESSON ONE CAN LEARN



The greatest lesson one can learn

Is how when loved, to love in return.

Joined together through night and day

Equally yoked in work and play.

Remaining true both body and soul

Never loosing our common goal.

Sharing each other the best we can

Before we are but bits of sand.

Mutual love is beyond compare

Serving one another in the life we share.

Without compassion humans lose

Simply by the path they choose.

Love is a miracle from God to man

How some deny it I can’t understand.

WINGS of HEAVEN



It’s a wonderful situation

To be in love with you.

All my thoughts have changed

Because of everything you do.

I lack the desire for others

No yearning for their love or favor.

All I wish is a life with you

Till it’s time to greet our Savior.

I was afraid I would never find love

Leaving no stone unturned.

I had to suffer through stupidity

To grow from all I learned.

Life is too short to remain a fool

Who doesn’t see blessings handed down.

From now to judgment I will love you

Till the wings of heaven whisper their sound.

SO DEAR TO MY HEART



So dear to my heart are my loved ones at home

As I toss and I turn in my bunk all alone.

Everyday I see death, **** and corruption

Combat is God’s proof of man’s malfunction

For family, comrades and myself I pray

To my love with this poem I wish to convey.

I knew I loved you though never how much

Till by war, I’m forced beyond your touch.

Where violence thrives, there’s the stench of death

With the taste of fear on every breath.

Who shall prevail, who shall die?

As the sadistic kill beneath God’s sky.

Baghdad has become man’s highway to hell

Where the hearts of darkness are alive and well

I count each day till it’s time to come home

And be with my love and never alone.

Love You

Your Marine

MARRIAGE *** AND ROMANCE



Some other time, I’m not in the mood

Why cant we just cuddle and watch TV?

When couples drift into the celibate zone

It’s not long till someone will flee.

Sexual fulfillment helps preserve love,

Parenthood, marriage and self-esteem.

Those who maintain it avoid saying no

To be blessed by its pleasure and gleam.

While dating we tend to be more romantic

Putting forth the best of our charms.

Sharing dinners, long walks and lustful weekends

As we spend more time in each others arms.

How many times have you said “not tonight”

Exposing your happy home to harm?

Today’s crushing deadlines leave little time for love

Leaving partners with sorrow, sadness and alarm.

So share one another with red wine and time

Dial your own number and leave the phone off the hook.

Enjoy some romance, *** and laughter

Improving your mood and the way you look.

MOTHERS



There’s no greater power on earth

Than the love we get from our mothers.

They feel our fears within themselves

Far more than sisters or brothers.

As seasons pass; in time we learn

We can’t always rely on others.

No mater what our mistakes may be

We know we can run to our mothers.

Mothers have great big aprons

To hide from the world our flaws.

They kiss and scold when we do wrong

Teaching compliance of laws.

From birth to death mothers lead

Our angels of kindness from above.

They give us more than anyone else

Preaching the importance of love.

Moms are certainly God’s gift to earth

So if you still have one, let it be known.

You can’t imagine your life without her

While the seed of your future is sown.

DON’T  FORSAKE  ME ?



Don’t forsake our love my darling

On this night before our wedding day.

I know your ex is crying to get back

But that’s just the price he’ll have to pay.

Good guys provide for their families

Tell the truth, pay bills and remain true.

Bad guys procrastinate, chase women and party

Then blame their shortcomings, on “you”.

I will love you only and tend to your needs

Never to lie, steal or cheat.

Giving all I have to share and prosper

And when wrong I will accept defeat.

Your happiness is my inspiration

For when I please you, you please me.

I wish to father our children and give them love

And be the best husband a man can be.

MY FAVORITE POET



My favorite poet is God above

Who gives Earth its rhythm and rhyme.

Not pied pipers of misguided souls

Who promote distrust, hatred and crime.

Poetry is nature serenading in song

The peaceful roar of the oceans waves.

The wind through the trees and over the hills

And the flowers in the fields by the graves.

The sound of rain as it waters the thirsty

The songs of children at play in the park.

The far off rumble of trains or thunder

As they pass through the night in the dark.

The joy of our babies first words and steps

The passion of life with its heroes and clowns.

The on going struggle to survive our sins

As we proliferate in hamlets and towns.

My favorite poet is our Father of love

Who was first to know us before birth.

His poetry prolongs every thing we love

As His deliverance gives life its worth.

I WHO HAVE NO ONE



I who have no one, no one at all

Envy others as in love they fall.

Sleepless nights, with inward burning

Feeling hopeless, tossing and turning.

Lord please forgive the fool I’ve been

Hiding from goodness in the shadows of sin.

I humbly pray to heaven in space

For one more chance to regain my grace.

I’ve lived my years indulging myself

Leaving decency and principle on the shelf.

Now that your light shines on my face

I pray for forgiveness in shame and disgrace.

All I ask is your life mate for me

And I pledge to become all I can be.

A soul without love is empty and void

No wonder so many become destroyed.

Outside my window there’s the thunder of rain

And the haunting sound of a far away train.

I feel your presence as I silently cry

For someone to love before I die.

JESUS IS A FISHERMAN



Jesus is a fisherman

Who saves the souls of man.

Dead or alive He leads the faithful

To the streams of promise land.

He sees us when we’re happy

He hears us when we’re glad.

He whispers words of hope to us

When we face something sad.

As wicked thoughts control the mind

Evil deeds control the heart.

Jesus is who we turn to

When from sins we must depart.

Jesus is a fisherman

Who baits His hook with love.

Casting His line in your direction

From the banks of heaven above.

LOVE CONSUMES ALL



Love consumes all physical functions

Hearing, taste, touch, thought and smell.

It can heal, destroy, weaken or bond

Those caught in its presence and spell.

May I be remembered by tears of love

When my hands lay across my chest.

Displayed for view to say goodbye

To my family, friends and the rest.

Until it’s time for my final farewell

I will serve whom I love even more.

These words of passion inhabit my heart

Conveying my need for all, I adore.

PASSION AND LOVE



Samson so loved Delilah

He ended up grinding grain.

Anthony so loved Cleopatra

He lost all and was slain.

David so loved Bathsheba

He drifted from God’s command.

The way I feel makes it easy

To imagine and understand.

You‘re the inspiration of my day

And the delight of my night.

The joy we share as we conceive

Makes everything feel just right.

Thank heaven for passion and love

Blessings from God to man.

Without them we’re mere creatures

Subsisting like ants in the sand.

TO BE BLESSED BY LOVE



Darkness submits to the brightness of day

For all rich, famous or peasant.

God gives us love as a tool of endurance

For what is glorious, painful or unpleasant.

He gives us friends that mean so much

Though His greatest gift is fathers and mothers.

From them we learn the guidance we need

Or from grandparents, sisters and brothers.

How rewarding it is to share our concerns

Of the burdens that trouble man’s soul.

With words of love, passion and faith

With happiness and purpose our goal.

To be blessed by love elevates life

Projecting a radiance of grace to our face.

Like the heavenly bodies that illuminate the night

As we voyage through the vastness of space.

THE JOY I FEEL



The joy I feel within my heart

Has overcome my void.

No more foolish, selfish acts

Risking love to be destroyed.

You’re the rainbow of my day

And the tiger of my night.

Your style of loving me

Leaves no reason to fuss or fight.

Happiness shuns the selfish

Who fail God’s test of time.

Contentment comes as a gift

To hearts of the thoughtful and kind.

I obtain my daily need

As I awake to find you near.

The love we share celebrates life

As we laugh or cry with tear.

Through out each day, there are moments,

I find I need you even more.

You’re the radiance of my life

Who I worship, serve and adore.

I LOVE BEING LOVED BY YOU



My life overflows with happiness

As my favorite dreams come true.

My days and nights are magical

Because of everything you do.

You stand by me as troubles occur

And listen to my worries and fears.

You share my burdens and my joys

With faith, compassion and tears.

God’s gift to man is someone to love

Which can be both splendid and rare.

Throughout life there’s nothing better

Then those who will love us and care.

There’s the past, present, future, and beyond

Which will test our measure by what we say and do

Too many overlook the thrill of now

But not I, “for I love being loved by you.”

WE’LL ALL REUNITE IN TIME



Fame, wealth, prestige, and wild women

For too long were my passions of life.

One day I found sweet liberation

When God gave my heart to my wife.

33 years we loved one another

Sharing all we possessed and more.

Last year she passed in the middle of night

Never to shadow our door.

I’m sure in rapture, she awaits

For me to arrive in heaven divine.

I’ll miss our children and grandkids too

But we’ll all reunite in time.

THE LAST GOODBYE



I’m on my way to greet my Master

And shake His hand when I die.

I’m on my way to john sweet Jesus

In His mansion beyond on high.

I’m on my way to escape man’s woes

Where the faithful rise to tell their story.

Following the path of love and compliance.

Guided by God’s magnificence and glory.

As I journey to and from all I love

It hurts to say my absolute goodbye.

I’m on my way to divine fulfillment

But for those left behind, “I cry.”

The Last Goodbye

MOMS

Millions of dewdrops greet the dawn

As hungry of bees buzz the clover

Dazzling butterflies flutter about

As moms give love the world over.

Lessons learned at our mother’s knee

Last a lifetime till we grow older.

Popping up when troubles accrue

Like a whispering angel on our shoulder.

Gods gives us friends that mean so much

Children, fathers, sisters and brothers

Though far, far above all the rest,

No one loves us more than our mothers.

In and out of friendships, jobs and partners

Our mothers always remain our evening star.

Those who where born to a selfish mom

Make the rest us realize how lucky we are.

How great life is to have a good mom

Who reads what we feel but can’t say.

Nothing means as much, as her tender touch

And for all who are without one, “we pray.”

SHOULD TOMORROW START WITHOUT ME ?



Should tomorrow start without me

Remember I love you

Looking down from up above

Seeing everything you do.

If I become a casualty

I pray you will love again

Whom ever makes you happy

I’ll consider my friend.

Should tomorrow start without me

Remind our boys, God loves all who care

And when life seems too harsh and cruel

With “Him” they must share their prayer.

I have proven I’m not a coward

Who breaks and runs to survive

Always fearing death will kiss me

As the streets of Baghdad I drive.

Should tomorrow start without me

Be proud I choose to serve

Our faith and our patriotism

Earn the freedom we deserve.

I miss home more than ever

It breaks my heart to stay away

I can’t help but want to hold you

And whisper what I say.

PASSION

Passion is any strong feeling or thought

Of love, hate, fear, anger and grief.

The emotional joy of sexual desire

Sometimes the suffering of saint or thief.

The cruelty of man nailing Christ to the cross

His treatment subsequent to the last supper.

Continuing conflict with endless war

Make it seem we’re prone to suffer.

All must carry their own cross in life

While they struggle to survive the day.

Passion reveals how much we desire

As we race toward our outcome and pray.

WHO?



Who wrote the tune the songbird sings?

Who made the diamonds we wear on rings?

Who caused the snow and rain to fall?

Who made spring, winter, summer and fall?

Who gave man a woman to love?

Who made the clouds and sky above?

Who lights the stars and moon in the night?

Who makes heaven and beyond so bright?

Who gives us babies we follow till death?

Who made us able to speak with our breath?

Who gives us heroes willing to die?

Who made the tears we shed as we cry.

Who shows us hope and guides our way?

The same one who loves us night and day.

SATISFACTION



Too many people never know satisfaction

For their goals for happiness are placed too high.

Most of us complain about what we can’t have

When we’re not bedfast or in the grave, we lie.

No one finds satisfaction from serving themselves

Contentment takes place, by our unselfish concern.

The more we repent and regret our wrongs

The more we are able to retain what we learn.

So tally your blessings and be thankful for life

And remember there are those who wish, they were you.

Satisfaction and love are what mere mortal’s pray for

Though the lucky among us, who feel both, are few.

LOVE & HATE

Unselfish concerns are the footstones of love

Though far too many still waste time on ****.

Real happiness happens to the lucky in life

Who’ve bonded to others with love as their fate.

Malice, disfavor and ill will complicate life

To where our days resemble frustration’s hell.

The warm rush of love can turn things around

Enabling the sleepless to again rest well.

Tender love and affection generate fondness

Where hatreds repugnance eats body and soul.

Friendship, attachment, good will and charity

Are the mother’s milk of life, when love’s our goal.

So recognize **** for what it truly is

And reject it when it whispers in your ear.

For the power of love is the only way

To avoid corruption, resentment and fear.

MY TRUE LOVE



Lord, have mercy on my soul

For all the wrong I’ve done

When I was young and foolish

And searching for some fun.

My daddy told me, son

You reap what you sow

Everything I’ve learned the hard way

Are the only things I know.

I searched all the honky tonks

And every bar in town

The right woman for me to love

I had not yet found.

My mother always said

Why not look at church

There’s where you’ll find

The right one to end your search.

So, here I am singing a song

To the music of a choir

Next to me is my true love

Who sets my heart on fire.

I can see her left hand

And there’s my wedding ring

She catches me peeking at her

With every line we sing.

A man and wife are equally yoked

In everything they do;

That’s why I celebrate

God saving me for you!

CHRISTMAS



Husbands with ladders hang lights on their home

As all who have no one feel sad and alone.

The churches are full of the faithful that sing

For the birth of our Lord, is a spiritual thing.

The sound of Christmas sweetly fills the air

While frantic shoppers hustle from here to there.

The windows of storefronts at this time of year

Reflect all their wonders as Christmas draws near.

Little ones stand looking with their nose pressed to glass

As model trains on display come speeding past.

The path to Santa is lined with girls and boys

With a list in their heart of their favorite toys.

The stores shelves are crammed with dolls that crawl or walk

Games, cars, trucks, planes and stuffed toys that sing or talk.

The miracle of Christmas comes once a year

When all that we love seems more precious and dear.

THE SEED of LOVE



A kindly woman can make a sad man sing

With her love and affection winter seems like spring.

Of all the pleasures in life given to a man

There’s nothing beats the touch of a woman’s soft hand.

God saw Adam alone on Eden’s floor

Then decided to give him Eve’s love and much more.

So take what you need from she chosen for you

Then rid thyself of others and to her be true.

The Lord planted love within mankind’s heart

Though things can grow sour when from Him we depart.

Love and **** are but two sides of life’s golden coin

So be ready for both no matter whom you join.

DOUBLE TROUBLE



To tell you the truth, it still hurts to share;

Even though with him your heart is not there.

I’ve tried hard to think what brought this about

For we’re not the type who enjoy sneaking out.

Your husband, my wife, were into themselves.

Like old Christmas toys, they placed us on our shelves.

Somehow we managed to take ourselves down

And found one another while out on the town.

You gave me your number for reasons well known

And now you weep as you drive home alone.

It’s hard to make love when the romance is dead

It causes confusion in your heart and your head.

There’s a battle inside as your mind and heart fight

While you lie by the wrong one in the middle of the night.

We now know the meaning to the words of that song

That it hurts to love someone and to the wrong one belong.

HOLLYWOOD WOMAN



Hollywood woman, I’m in love with you

Though you’re always on your own stage.

Some days you love me and some days you don’t

No wonder I’m in such a rage.

You baited your hook

Then threw me a line

And like a big crayfish

I thought you were mine.

But you have that fever

To fish other streams

And you’ll be the cause

Of many men’s dreams.

For other men have loved you

And other men have cried.

Every last one of them

Has felt you inside.

Before long you’ll grow old

And your looks shall fade

And all you’ll have left

Is your video parade.

Those who once loved you

Will be dead or gone

And you’ll lie alone

In silence till dawn.

A MAN’S BEST FRIEND



A man’s best friend is still his faithful dog

Who anxiously awaits his return home.

Where would man be without his canine love

When his human mates have left him alone.

If a man was as good as his dog thinks

He’d be more famous than a football star.

It’s too bad our wives don’t feel the same way

I guess its because they know how we are.

Man has no fear of his dog’s love for life

Though it’s usually man who buries his pet.

It matters not be they large or small

What animal has loved man more, as yet?

GETTING OVER HER



I thought we’d raise our only child

And feed him with a spoon

But, his mother loves another

And they’re on a honeymoon.

All my friends say I must stop

Loving her, of course

So I drove my Ford to a honky tonk

Still lonely from divorce.

From out of my chair, I must get up

And ask someone to dance

For, if I plan to get over her

I know I’ll need romance.

The dance floor is almost full

Of country kings and queens.

I feel a pair of eyes

Just checking out my jeans.

I can see a smiling face

I’m almost at a run

For I know if I dance

I’m going to have some fun.

She stands up from her table

And reaches for my hand

Then I lead the both of us

Right up in front of the band.

Somebody turned the spotlight

Toward the dance floor ball.

She is so beautiful

I’m afraid I might fall.

Here I go, a-gambling

A gambling with my heart

For when I love a woman

It always hurts to part.

BODY HEAT 1O5



We drank several glasses of champagne

In the living room of her house.

Around 9:30 that evening

I found myself in her blouse.

I fondled and kissed her so gently

Like the soft footsteps of a mouse.

To my surprise, she opened her eyes

And said, “look, we’re not going to play house.”

I right away replaced her clothing

And buttoned her blouse once more.

There was no doubt of my defeat

As I lay there upon the floor.

She said, “tell the truth, are you angry?”

I answered, by far I was not

“It’s more important what you think of me

Than what I may not have got.”

She wiped away a tear from both eyes

And said, “you’re my kind of man.”

At that point, she did arise

And to me she held out her hand

She led me away like a blind man

Who had somehow lost his cane.

When we reached her bedroom door

I thought I’d gone insane.

Before long, we found ourselves naked

As she held me in her palm.

Can you dare imagine, my friend

How hard it was for me to stay calm?

We touched all the forbidden places

As our body heats reached 105

If love’s relief had not been achieved

I doubt if we’d still be alive.

WITHOUT LOVE



Life is simply a circus

With too many fools on the stage.

There ‘s greed, fear and indifference

As many hearts suffer from rage.

Divorce is like a bad book

Where the heroes get killed off to soon.

When we reach the point the light goes out

Then we’ll stand up and leave the room.

Without love we become such fools

In a desert which has gone all dry.

When the one we love ignores us

There’s nothing to do but cry.

The worst curse that one can endure

Are those who just wish to take.

When all we give is our own love

To find out we’ve made a mistake.

Of all the prizes life may bring

To be loved is by far the best.

That’s why so many search for it

For without love, what good is the rest?

THAT OLD COVERED BRIDGE



We returned to that old covered bridge

Where as sweethearts we used to go.

To kiss, hug, and squeeze in the shadows

While beneath us the water would flow.

Up under its wood roof of shingles

Is where we took refuge from the rains.

Carved in some boards within that old bridge

Side by side you’ll still find our names.

Our memories of our past childhood

Are a gift from God for us to keep.

Like that picture you once gave me

Which I peaked at before I could sleep.

We find ourselves back at that old bridge

Only now, with our kids to catch fish.

We pray someday that they’ll find love

And come here with someone, just to wish.

SOME MEN PRAY



Some men pry to marry the woman they love

Where my prayers can’t help but somewhat vary

As I humbly pray to heaven above

That I am loved by the woman I marry.

The essence of love is its spiritual fire

And there’s nothing more sought after on earth.

Man’s only escape is his own flight

But what, without love would his life be worth.

Love can be man’s worst pain or best pleasure

A dangerous gamble he must take in life.

For he who falls in love with the wrong woman

Shall find all he’s worked for belongs to his wife.

THE COAL MINER



Coal mines in my daddy’s day

Were dug with strong hands and back.

They got larger and deeper

As the lungs of the miners turned black.

Cave-ins, fires and explosions

Were my father’s daily fear.

But what choice has a man

When the wolf of hunger is near.

With three small kids and a wife

There were five stomachs to fill.

As we lived in poverty

In our shack below a hill.

I feel his blood within me

As the years of my life pass by

I’m proud that dad dug King Cole

For a miner so am I.

Life to me is but a rose

Though it’s thorns can make me cry.

And like my dad before me

To my Lord I will not lie.

In cold earth someday I’ll sleep

With a shinny stone above.

Carved in it, shall be the words

I have known the joy of love.

ADAM THE LONELY



Adam, the lonely was chased from God’s land

When Eve picked that apple with her foolish hand.

Delilah, the evil, cut a champion’s hair off

When Samson; the strong man’s heart became soft.

David the shepherd, a king among men

Was teased by Bathsheba and driven to sin.

A man needs a woman to build up his pride

To bolster his ego and to lay by his side.

Life mates are a treasure and difficult to find

I feel like a blind man who’s lost in a mine.

Lord, I’m a sad soul with no hand to hold

Searching for someone who’ll love me when I’m old.

TO HAVE AND TO HOLD



Our house is big, though our family’s small

The phone’s off the hook, cause we don ‘t want a call.

I need you darling more than anything

For your sweet kisses make a sad man sing.

I can feel life’s clock as it pounds away

While the moon says hello to the dying day.

I pray to partake every sight and sound

While I still enjoy the right side of the ground.

Nothing beats the love of a willing mate.

So little time for fun before it’s too late.

The Lord made you for me and me alone

And not for others that you might have known.

LOVER’S TOAST



Come to me with just your love

And I will pledge you mine.

Feel my lips and share my glass

And we shall sip red wine.

You’re the red rose of my day

And the lily of my night.

Nothing is so grand in life

As when you seize me tight.

Love’s uncertain future is

Where mankind’s torments dwell

With both it’s pain and pleasure

Our lust is alive and well.

DADS AT WAR



Where would I be without you dad

My hero of night and day?

I’m so glad you love my mother

And take time for us to pray.

The last time we played baseball

You reached for me with your hand.

I looked at you, then made a wish

That I might be just half the man.

I love my father of earth,

And I love my Father of heaven.

It’s a lot for me to love, you know

For I’m only eleven.

Mom and I sure miss you

Since you left to defend our flag.

When others ask, where is your dad

I can’t help but boast and brag.

MOMMA



Oh, I love my momma

She’s the reason I’m alive.

Her total love for me

Has made her struggle and strive.

Jesus had a momma

Who bore Him in a cave.

She couldn’t help but love Him

From His birth to the grave.

Should I hang on the highest hill

My momma would be there.

I know her love would follow me

My Angel of despair.

Her hair is now all silver

As I hold her fingers, worn.

Oh, God, bless this wrinkled brow

From whose body I was born.

LETTERS



We were just the best of friends

I knew him all my life.

I’m sure that he, towards the end

Found out I love his wife.

He drove his car right off a cliff

And crashed into the sea.

I know it was no accident

For a skillful driver was he.

He must have found our letters

Of love that shouldn’t be.

He’s the type to harm himself

Instead of killing me.

As I looked in his wife’s eyes

She sadly said to me,

Instead of us, he killed himself

Because of lovers, such as we.

Lord, have mercy on our souls

For her husband, my friend, has died!

No one else may ever know

But God how much we’ve lied.

HONEYMOON CRUISE



The gulls have gone long ago

As we sail a peaceful sea.

The skies are blue, soft and kind

Where else would we wish to be.

Late at night, as we embrace

In front of a reggae band.

You kiss me, and then you whisper

I want to be alone with my man.

A little after midnight

We both slip away.

In such of some time

For the games lovers play.

Alone in our cabin

Your skin is so soft.

I’m just that angel

Who fell from aloft.

After twenty-five years

Of our love has gone

It’s a honeymoon cruise

We find ourselves on.

May the Lord show mercy

On any of those

Who have never been loved

Or ever been chose.

MY LOVE of LIFE



Wise men learn more from watching fools

Than fools do from watching wise men.

I should know for I’ve been both

I can ‘t believe how lucky I’ve been.

Everyday as I speak out

With verse I come alive.

My lust for life shall be fulfilled

As another day I survive.

I take the clay of every day

And mold it to my fashion.

All I need is my true love

Whose heart flows free with passion.

I thank the Lord who watches us

For blessings which are mine;

That I’m festive, fit and free

To love my wife who’s sweeter than wine.

LITTLE BABY



Little baby, I love you

For you are a part of me

Each and every inch you’ll grow

I want to be there to see.

Someday you’ll chase fireflies

Who ride the breath of the winds.

Someday you’ll be all grown up

And out on the town with friends.

You have your daddy ‘s freckles;

You’ve got your mommy’s eyes.

I pray to God every day

You’ll survive all of life’s lies.

Little babies shoot up fast

As they need to stretch and grow.

They do such things as children do

In a world they’ve yet to know.

Someday you will understand

How your parents feel inside

Someday you’ll have your babies

And raise them with great pride.

Of all the gifts that life may bring

A sweet baby is still the best

Your mom and I shall love you

Till the day we’re laid to rest.

ONE MAN’S PRAYER



Where are the women who need a good man?

Where are the women with love in their hand?

Where are the children who played on the lawn?

Where are the children when mom and dad are gone?

What about the marriage that began with smiles?

What about the marriage that ended in trials?

What about the future of all involved?

What about the problems that must be solved?

Answer these questions that tear at my heart.

Answer these questions that keep us apart.

WHAT LOVE MEANS TO ME



I know now for sure what love means to me

It’s a chance to be needed and to give happily.

For I’ve felt what it’s like to be sad and alone

And wish for that someone I could call my own.

It’s just like young Adam when he lost his rib bone

God gave him Eve, so he wouldn’t sleep alone.

When a man loves a woman, there’s many lessons he’ll learn

As she respects him, her favors he’ll earn.

One thing for certain, when your thoughts are for real

As you hug and you kiss, you love how you feel.

Some live a lifetime just a step from love

You are that person who gave me my shove.

The world has both givers and those on the take

Life can be bad if your love’s a mistake.

I can’t help realize how lucky I’ve been

For you are my wife, but best of all, my friend.

I WON’T BE THERE



It‘s true; I’ve been living with a looser

And it’s been going on too long

I’ve prayed for the courage and, now I have it

To sing you your farewell song.

I won’t be there in the morning when you need me!

I won’t be there when you call on the phone!

I won’t be there in the bed beside you

As you lay by yourself alone!

Too many times at night I’ve cried

Wondering why you won’t just come home

Staring at the clock on the wall

As I lie half awake by the phone.

For so long it was enough that I loved you

Though now my heart needs more.

So, I’ve packed up my bags and my pictures

And I’m on my way out the door.

WHEN YOU LOVE A MEAN WOMAN



When you love a mean woman it hurts down deep

In the middle of the night when you find you can’t sleep.

I remember those times we kissed in the park

Covered by moonbeams and stars in the dark.

You told me you loved me and would never run away

Though now, there’s another with whom you play.

Somebody tell me what I’m doing wrong

Somebody show me before I’ve waited too long.

Other women I’ve met, they remind me of you

It makes me afraid of what they might do.

But life without love isn’t living at all

Everyone needs someone who waits for their call.

I thirst for a woman who will love me again

One who needs both a husband and friend.

Dear Lord, I pray for my angel of love

So I may fly high on the wings of a dove.

SHE’S MY BUDDY



Adam and Eve lay beneath the stars.

I wonder if their love was as strong as ours?

Darling, I love you, I’m not afraid to say

Our love just grows with each passing day.

I was afraid our love would grow cold

That’s what I’ve always by others been told.

I’m glad they were wrong, so I sing this song

For you are the woman to whom I belong.

Without your concern I have nothing at all

There’s no one to help me should I take a fall.

I need your love it builds up my pride

Bolsters my ego and stands by my side.

Many men still search for someone like you

Case to find a good woman isn’t easy to do

Lord, I thank you for the love of my life

For she is my buddy as well as my wife.

OUR MOTHER’S LOVE



Our mother’s love like a candle

Burns brightly upon the shelf.

As she lights the way for all others

Never thinking of herself.

Seven little kids in a farmhouse

By my moms hard work survived.

Through her love and faith in Jesus

We learned how to struggle and strive.

The lilacs still bloom by the window

Where our mom would quilt and sew.

In the winter she’d sing by the fire

To the tunes she thought we should know.

Our father labored at a quarry

In the dust of the earth every day.

He worked so hard for his money

For the bills our family must pay.

Little sister came down with pneumonia

And almost died in bed.

Our momma lie sick beside her

Putting cool rags on her head.

We were sure glad to see daddy’s face

As he drove up our driveway

He ran up and into the house

Then knelt by their bed to pray.

Oh, Lord, please save my family

From the fever that burns within

For we have always loved Jesus

And will serve Him till our end.

Our mother and sister survived

But daddy, he died long ago.

When it’s our time for heaven

We’ll see many that we know.

TILL THE END of TIME



I feel like Samson pushing the stone

For I gave into love and now I’m alone.

Betrayed by a woman, I gambled and lost

And now I suffer what disloyalty cost.

Samson was blinded by the blade of a knife

After his capture by the love of his life.

Imprisoned forever and forced to grind grain

To spectator laughter, the whip and the chain.

The same so am I, a victim of chain

For I’ve too many memories of you in my brain.

Together my darling from a window we shall peer

It will be from heaven both faraway and near.

The heirlooms of tomorrow the woman and the man

Waiting for our ashes to sift through the sand.

I will  love you always, till the end of time

Now and then dreaming of when you were mine.

SAD DAD IN JAIL



They put me in prison for the deed I’ve done

I killed the drunk driver who crippled you, son.

Your mother, my wife, she died in the wreck

That’s the reason I broke that man’s neck.

His dad was a rich man, who pulled lots of strings

So well connected he could do many things.

I live in this hellhole with all sorts of men;

I’m sure glad most like me and call me their friend.

The food here is so awful, I’ve lost many pounds

I’d rather feast on the vittles the guards toss the hounds.

At night we play cards and you don’t dare cheat

For if you get caught, you’ll be stomped on by feet.

Most inmates fashion some sort of knife

To help out their odds in a fight for their life

I took me a padlock and snapped it on a chain

Then hid it in my pant-leg to keep from being slain.

I get to see you on our family day

The worst part about it, is when you cry as you play.

Many times you question, “Dad, when can you leave?”

As the tears from your eyes drop to my sleeve.

Our visit is now over as they wheel you away

I whisper, “I love you” and you see what I say.

It’s time to go back to my one-room, shared cell

And try to write a song about a sad dad in jail.

SOLDIER IN THE RAIN



I’m just a soldier who stands in the rain

My memories of home are what keep me sane.

Back home is a land of milk and honey

Ruled by lust and love of money.

But, what can I say, when I serve her true

For I volunteered to see this war through.

Now, that I’m here, it’s hard to believe

We’re just the victims of those who deceive.

As darkness falls on the rice fields of Nam

Scared men with rifles walk the shadows of the calm.

It’s thousands of miles to the steps of my church

With its stained glass, steeples and lost souls who search.

Off in the distance I see an arc light

Bombs being dropped on children at night.

I’ve seen that evil they call the “yellow rain”

And how life withers when it’s sprayed by a plane.

All of my buddies have been taken away

No more touch football will they ever play.

Zipped in their body bags for the long trip home

Are some of the bravest, I’ve ever known.

War is a hell, devised by man

There’s death in the sea, the sky and the land.

Lord, I can’t help but wish I were home

Back with my love, whom I hope is alone?

WE WISH YOU WERE HOME



I remember that fair in September

As we waited for a Ferris wheel ride

Just as you reached for my fingers

I felt how I loved you inside.

The next thing I knew we were airborne

Above all the eyes of the crowd

Surrounded by rainbows of neon

As the moon popped from behind a cloud.

You asked, “daddy, do you love me”

I answered I couldn’t live without you.

Then you reached up and tugged on my collar

As we flew in that chair painted blue.

Now you are grown and gone

And have marched away to war.

As I’m writing this letter

I yearn for your knock at our door.

I got out some rags and the wax

And gave your old Ford a rubdown.

I went for a ride of remembrance

While its mufflers made your favorite sound

I drove by the park to ponder

Those ball games we loved to play.

I can ‘t help but worry and wonder

If you’ll ever come home to stay.

Your girlfriend still teaches school

We see her every seventh day.

There’s no doubt who she thinks of

When she folds her hands to pray.

Your mother still talks to your picture

As she works at her sewing machine.

I hope my son you realize

How much to us you mean.

PLEASURE SEEKERS



That road of pleasure seeking

Has so many deep pitfalls

And all the while we walk on it

In the distance the devil calls.

Some folks drink those bubbly spirits

Or smoke that tall green weed

Anything to dull their conscience

As they sow their wild oat seed.

I’ve been no angel in my life

Though I fell from a righteous shelf

When I took those risky chances

And tried both, many times, myself.

Now I’m tired of being foolish.

So I sing my songs at church

With one eye on my hymnbook

And the other free to search.

If you’re yearning to love someone

Let’s get together and seek no more

Kiss and fondle by the fire

And push pillows across the floor.

For we need love, health and money

And may we live to enjoy them all

Before we ‘re old and in our autumn

And our leaves begin to fall.

THE FIRST ONE TO LOVE ME

The first one to love me was you; Lord

And nothing can take that away.

My soul is refreshed by living water

While my heart flows with love each day.

I thank you for the love of my family

And I thank you for the love of my life.

I thank you for all of the blessings

You give to each husband and wife.

Your glory rides high on the sunsets

Your voice is the thunder of rain.

I thank you for all of the heavens

And Jesus who came to be slain.

I feel when your eyes are upon me

As you listen to my humble cry

You’ve redeemed the soul of your servant

To dwell in your mansion on high.

I’ll claim each and every promise

From the Lord of the earth and sky.

I’m so glad I’m free from my bondage

Of the grave where my body shall lie.

I thank you for parting the darkness

And guiding my footsteps each day.

I thank you for being my shepherd

You’ve walked with me all the way.

I know your armor protects me

From the devil in search of his feast.

And all who are lost without you

Shall dwell in hell with the beast!

CHRISTMAS IS COMING



Christmas is coming and I’m all alone

With no one to snuggle at night.

My wineglass is empty to help dull the desire

To kiss you by soft candlelight.

A rare pearl of value, you don ‘t leave alone

Or someone will steal them from you.

After they’ve gone and flown far away

It’s hard to know just what to do.

I’m watching my neighbors hang lights on their tree

With tinsel and striped candy cane.

I took you for granted and didn’t hug enough

And now I must suffer my pain.

Lord, I’m so lonely; I wish I could die

Then be born to relive again.

I realize the value of someone to love

And the danger of my selfish sin.

There’s a ring on my phone and a knock at the door

Which do I dare go for?

If neither is you, I’ll break down and cry

And again pound my fist on the floor.

I run down the hall and the doorknob turns

As the swirling snow rides on the wind.

There, in my doorway, it’s the face I love

Such a beautiful present to send.

Now, I am happy and dancing around

With a permanent smile on my face.

As children are singing their Christmas love songs

And the world is a wonderful place.

PATHWAYS



Lord, I’m so lonely, I thirst everyday

In search of the love I need

like a man in prison with no warmth at night

A slave who seeks to be freed.

For I need a woman who will heal my heart

So my life won ‘t seem so wrong.

I’ll lie down beside her and gamble again

Then sing of our love in a song.

Remember, young Adam, your first favorite born

Who slept in your garden alone.

You took form his body and transformed some flesh

Then gave him a woman unknown.

Whichever the pathway I should choose to take

I realize that there will be brambles.

For the man who has visions everyday of his life

Will always be the same who gambles.

Now, to heaven I pray, for my treasure of life

After searching the deserts in vain.

I’m tired of mirages from fool-hearted women

Please give me someone who’s sane.

May her eyes be turquoise with cheeks like peaches

Ripe and ready to risk.

Soon they’ll turn rosy when she sneaks a peek

To the tingle of where I kiss.

Though I will love her, I shall never follow.

Nor will I ever lead.

I’ll walk beside her and share all I have

For the children who spring from seed.

If we should argue about foolish things

I ‘d rather be loved than right.

Then when I lie down at the end of my day

I’ll sleep with a smile at night.

ENCHANTED

Over any man who feels lost without love

God gives women divine powers.

They can break our hearts or deflate our ego

And cause us to buy diamonds and flowers.

They have compelled kings and presidents to beg

Wild singles to commit to change their way.

Loving us with pleasures problematic to replace

With flashbacks of their passion night and day.

Women mother our babies who we love till death

For us to raise, protect and provide for.

They contribute revenue, affection and direction

With love, companionship and more.

They insist we never abuse or disgrace them

Cheat, lie or take their love for granted.

Which helps us to become more than we are

In love and totally enchanted.

WHISPERS



The one thing I’ve learned about happiness

It will never last pretending you’re not you.

Somehow, someway the truth will arise

And all that you hide will show through.

Sooner or later, one way or another

Something in your life seems wrong.

You go to bed unhappy and awake the same

Repeating life’s mistakes too long.

One day, to yourself, you begin to question

Is this who I am and wish to be

How will I choose to live the rest of my life

Till the angel of death comes for me?

Most people wish to be at peace with God

Oneself, and those we love.

Frequently taking a look at our past

Praying for guidance from above.

Thank heaven for the whispers from the heart

Which remind us that evil has it’s voice too.

It’s always a battle amid right and wrong

As we ponder and perform what we do.

LIFE



Life’s a book written through

Where the pages are the years.

There’s good, evil, false, and true

With laughter, sweat, and tears.

Our days are songs composed by God

As we set them to music with pleasure.

His cup of life is for us to drink

Though, He, decides the measure.

Hurried and worried, dawn till dusk

There’s no time for a curtain call.

We burn our candles from both ends

And we’re lucky to be alive at all.

Cards are shuffled and hands are dealt

For all to place their bets.

Youthful blunders, adulthood struggles

And old age, with its regrets.

It matters not, how long we live

But more, how well we play our part.

For the road to heaven is always near

As long as there’s truth in our heart.

EYES OF LOVE



A mind may see a thousand eyes

Though the heart yearns for two

When the eyes we love have up and gone

To the arms of someone new.

Eyes that twinkle, I distrust

For they are the distant stars.

Eyes in love have a steady glow

Like Venus, the Moon or Mars.

Eyes of love, like planets at night

Use borrowed light to shine.

Eyes are the living lenses

To the camera of our mind.

Eyes tend to believe themselves

Like the blind love of mothers.

Eyes speak without words

To the hearts and souls of others.

LOVE



No rope or cable can hold so tight

What love can do with twine.

No kiss can taste so bittersweet

As the one which captures our mind.

The first sign of love is the last of wisdom

As eager hearts fulfill desire.

Love is just a staple of life

Though heaven sparks the fire.

Heaven knows no rage like love

Once to hatred it has turned.

How wise are we who are such fools

Who forget the lessons we’ve learned.

Love, indeed, descends from heaven

Like a shooting star across the sky.

Love sometimes stirs the dust,

Till tears fall free from the eye.

God must love people in love

Or he wouldn’t make so many.

Those who claim it’s a mental disease

Have never been loved by any.

Love is stronger than life itself

And jealousy more cruel than the grave.

Men and women have loved one another

Since they spent their nights in a cave.

When the hands of love

Touch the strings of souls

There’ll be babies on the way.

That’s the basic rules of life

No matter what games we play.

Like the flowers in the fields

We shed our shields

To be warmed by the sun.

We live our lives the best we can

Till death catches us on the run.

MY WILD ROSE



You ‘re the full moon of my nights

And the sunshine of my day.

Like a queen upon her throne

You rule what I do and say.

It’s God who makes us beautiful

And the Devil who makes us mean.

It all depends on whom we follow

Which way our lives shall lean.

With one foot in the future

And one foot in the past

Let us try to live our days

As though each was our last.

You’re the wild rose of my life

My flower of desire.

Made by God for me alone

Out of earth, stars and fire.

MY WIFE



You’re the bone of my bones

Who I love for my wife.

The flesh of my flesh

And my partner in life.

For me to have and to hold

For better or for worse.

To love and to cherish

Though we might fight and curse.

Be I richer or poorer

Till death makes us part

I will give you great portions

Of my soul and my heart.

Heaven won’t be heaven

If I don ‘t see you there

May the first to go

Be me, is my prayer.

FAMILIES

The first stage of a family group

Begins with husband and wife.

Shelters are rented, bought or built

As they yearn for more from life.

Families are found throughout the world

In bone clusters buried in caves

Where ancient people lived and loved

‘Till death placed them in their graves.

Humans still have that need to group

As a family to survive

They love and care for each other

In the world in which they strive.

Families are a nation’s crown jewels

Far more than a golden coin.

Members find love and sympathy

From the groups they’ve chosen to join.

TEARS



Tears are the raindrops of the soul

And there’s one for all who die.

They are the silent words of grief

As they fall free from the eye.

The shortest verse in the Bible

Is the one where Jesus wept

So, if you hold back tears, “shed them”

When your pains too harsh to accept.

Tears are lovelier than a smile

When they come from those you love.

As they seek relief from sadness

When you’re summoned from above.

Tears are a love-mates humble gift

When it’s time to say goodbye

Though the eyes are wet and swollen

With time and patience they dry.

LOVE & ELECTRICITY



Love and electricity are a lot alike

For we never seem to miss them till their gone.

We need both, every day of our life

And even more so between twilight and dawn.

Love resembles a self-consuming amber

A static current of both pain and pleasure.

It can warm our bed and lighten the darkness

And for most who don ‘t have it, it’s a treasure.

We can turn it on or we can turn it off

Depending on whatever we’re forced to do.

It may shock us, please us, thrill us, or hurt us

Though once without it, we can’t wait to renew.

THE SEED OF LOVE

A kindly woman can make a sad man sing

With her love and affection winter seems like spring.

Of all the pleasures in life given to a man

There’s nothing beats the touch of a woman’s soft hand.

God saw Adam alone on Eden’s floor

Then decided to give him Eve’s love and much more.

So take what you need from she chosen for you

Then rid thyself of others and to her be true.

The Lord planted love within mankind’s heart

Though things can grow sour when from Him we depart.

Love and **** are but two sides of life’s golden coin

So be ready for both no matter whom you join.

FORGIVE ME

Forgive me, forgive me

And I’ll kiss your tears away.

You’re the first thing and the last

I think of every day

Let bygones be bygones

And be willing to forgive.

And I will love you only

Every moment I live.

I love you and I need you

It’s a fact and not a lie

So if you plan to punish me

Say anything, but good bye.

PARTING

The truest words, which portray my love

I speak to you from within m

Julie Matthews
family trust
Antony Heywood asked:


What is a Child Trust Fund?

You have a new arrival in the family. A wonderful new addition, something that will enrich your life but there is so much to learn and you need to learn it quickly. One of the last things on your mind is the fund for university, or their first car, or their wedding but the Child Trust Fund

provides a start for all of these outcomes.

The Child Trust Fund is a long-term saving account that the child can withdraw the money from once they become an adult at the age of 18. The government in the UK provides you with a child trust fund voucher or CTF with the value of £250. If your household income is less that £15,575 you will also receive a top up of on top the initial £250. The top up is linked to the amount of Child Tax Credit that you receive. You need to make sure you make the claim your child tax credit within the first three months of the babies birth as the government will only back date the payments for three months. You don’t want to miss out.

To qualify for a Child Trust Fund your child must:

• Been born on or after 1st September 2002

• Not be subject to immigration control

• Lives in the UK

• You receive Child Benefit for the child

There are different types of child trust fund schemes and a large variety of Child Trust Fund

providers. The maximum that can be saved, tax free, for a child each year is £1,200. Anyone can add money to the account for the child, it is not just limited to the parents. Everyone from grandparents, aunt, uncles, family friends that can all add money directly into the child trust fund account.

When the child reaches the age of seven the government will provide another £250 top up for the account. Those children on lower incomes will receive a further £250 in additional funding.

When the child reaches the age of 16 they will be able to make some decisions about how their child trust fund is managed but they will not be able to access the money in the account until they reach the age of 18.

The government hopes that the Child Trust Fund will provide a helping hand to a new generation of adults when those who qualify reach the age of 18. The first batch of those will be in 2020.

Tony Heywood ©

Child Trust Fund

Child Trust Fund Voucher



Tomika Villot
family trust
Beth Strong, Ma, Lpc asked:


Hope springs eternal, and there’s nowhere that’s more true than a couple taking the leap of faith into a second marriage. To all those who dare to hope that their second marriage (or third, or fourth) will be better than the last, I say congratulations and good luck! It takes a lot of courage to open your heart to try again! But also, take heed: you’ll have a much better chance of success if you follow some very important guidelines, particularly if either of you have children.

Let’s face it: relationships can be a challenge. Any long term relationship between two people moves through a set of predictable and important stages, each stage bringing something rich and healing to the partners, and each stage filled with snags and potholes along the way, any one of which can capsize a relationship. In a first marriage, these developmental stages usually start out in the open – that is, without the complications of children. For instance, most couples usually go through an initial period of intense closeness and bonding, when friends complain that they don’t see you any more, and nothing seems more important or exciting than spending time with your new beloved. This is a wonderful and exciting time, and actually serves to build a strong foundation for a long term relationship. We in the field of couples counseling hope to see that a couple has been able to spend as much as two or three years in this honeymoon period. It’s kind of like putting down a very big deposit on a new home: you are investing a lot of equity in the relationship, so that when things get tough – and they will get tough – you both have a rich and full memory bank of good times, being in love, and knowing that the relationship is important to you both, to draw from. These rich memories give us the fortitude and determination to put effort into the relationship when it’s most needed.

Couples who already have children from a former relationship before they meet each other don’t have the luxury of years of time where it is “just us.” They hit the ground running, and moving in together, a challenging time for many couples, can feel like they’ve just been hired to run a company when they feel like they’re still in high school.

The Pitfalls – And What to Do About Them

Unrealistic Expectations: Parents Hope, Children Fear

If you have been in a marriage (throughout this article, the reference to marriage will always include any form of long-term committed relationship, particularly if you have lived together, including same-sex marriages) that ended, whether by divorce or the death of a spouse, you probably know how hard it is to overcome the dread of thinking you could go through it again. Most people I counsel who are going through a divorce say they can’t even imagine dating, and have terrible fears about daring to trust and become vulnerable to another person again.

But, time does heal, and remarriages are evidence of the hope that marks us as human beings. A funny thing happens when we fall in love: we lose some of our take on reality. Not only are we starry-eyed for our new love, we are starry-eyed about a future with our new love. Don’t feel bad – this is normal. But it sure helps to know what the expectations are, so we don’t feel so horrible – like we’ve failed yet again – when things don’t pan out the way we expect them to.

Great Expectations, Just Not Realistic

Here are just some of the expectations we as parents unwittingly bring to a second marriage:

- love will conquer all

- your children will love your new spouse, or even like them, instantly

- your partner’s children will appreciate all the things you do for them as a step-parent, and your partner will appreciate all your help in raising them

- that this marriage will be much better than the last one that failed

- for a better life

- that everyone will get along

- that your new spouse will make parenting easier – some even expect the new spouse to be the new nanny – the “Mary Poppins Myth”

- that the new marriage will automatically create the structure of the nuclear family, that you will be in a “real family” after all

- that your partner’s ex, and the ex’s family, will just go away. “I will have my new husband/wife all to myself.”

- that you as new spouse / step-parent will have an equal vote in the matters of the family

Of these expectations, I find the most common mistake that new step-parents make is in expecting these “new” kids to automatically love them. For the most part, it just doesn’t happen that way. The greatest gift you can give to your new blended family is to give the children plenty of time – even a year or two – to figure out that you’re safe, worthwhile, and then, maybe even likeable. But of course, that will only happen if it’s true.

Children Have Hopes Too, But Also Have More Fears

Children in blended families have expectations too, although they tend to be more realistic about not being in love with your new partner as much or as quickly as you are. But they have a lot to adjust to, much more than most parents realize.

- children hope to be happier in a stable family, in both emotional and tangible ways: more fun at family celebrations than when mom or dad was single. Less stress for mom or dad because they have found someone to share their difficulties with. And they hope to benefit from there being more money, more presents on their birthdays and holidays, maybe bigger TV’s in the living room. Kids are kids.

- they assume their biological parent will be just as doting on them as they were when they were single, but fear they will lose their parent to the new spouse

- they fear they will lose attention from mom or dad, who now has to tend to step-siblings and a more complicated family life. These fears come from the “Wicked Step-Mother Myth.” No one sees themselves as the wicked stepmother, but most of us see ourselves as Cinderella.

- they fear the new step-parent will disapprove of them simply for existing, and be a harsh disciplinarian. Even if the step-parent is not, the child may perceive him or her to be overly harsh, overly disapproving, since there isn’t as much of a counterpoint in the deep abiding love that comes with being a biological parent.

- they fear having to share their new lives with the unknown step-siblings: have to share a room, time with mom, mom’s loyalties, available money for college tuition or special trips, even inheritances.

- they fear losing contact with the non-custodial parent, especially if they allow themselves to get close to their new step-parent. They are very afraid of hurting the non-residential parent’s feelings. They may also fear having to live in two homes, and worry a lot about the parent they aren’t with when they are gone.

- children fear getting close to their new step-parent only to find that mom or dad will break up with them, too, initiating yet another devastating loss and feelings of abandonment. Kids desperately need to know they can attach to a parental figure and be safe from abandonment or neglect. Under their wariness of the new step-parent, there is often a longing to trust.

- children often hold on to the hope and even expectation that Mom and Dad will someday reunite. This is true even after one or both parents have remarried – young children can imagine that all of you – Mom, Dad, and Step-Parent, will live in one house happily ever after. Even older children, and even adult children, often long for the reunification of their biological parents.

Dealing With Expectations, Hopes and Fears – the Best Prevention

There’s no question hope is a good thing. It’s what keeps us going and motivates us to create better lives. The only trouble is when our hopes are misguided, unrealistic, and unexpressed. Too often they turn into expectations and just set us up for disappointment. After one failed marriage, disappointment too often makes a person feel they not only failed again, but that they are a failure. But such a tragic loss can be prevented by knowing what to expect.

It’s always smart to sit down with your partner and discuss as many of your expectations and assumptions as possible about family life (feel free to borrow from the list above.) It’s also a good question to ask of yourself and each other when problems do arise: what are the expectations I’ve brought to the situation? Often we expect too much, or we expect our partner to know what our own expectations are, to read our minds. They don’t, and they can’t. Even if they do know our hopes, even our assumptions, that doesn’t mean they can fulfill them, or that it’s even their job to make us happy. Keep in mind that building a strong and happy blended family is a very difficult task at best, and perhaps try to put your hopes on an extended time line. Know that each of these developments might be possible, but they will most undoubtedly take longer than you’d like. That they don’t just happen, but need our skills and patience to bring them about.

It’s also important to spend time alone with your biological children, and help them talk about their hopes and fears. If you can’t get yourself out of the way (i.e. you hope so desperately that they will love your spouse that you can’t stand it that they don’t yet like her or him) then support your child in having someone else to talk with – a counselor or another adult that they trust. It’s best if they can talk with you and tell you their fears, but remember they might be as afraid of telling you as they are of losing you. Children often resolve their issues easily once they know someone is listening, and this can prevent a lot of difficult behavior along the way.

Resentment and Jealousy – The Insider / Outsider Syndrome

No one wants to believe they enter into a new marriage only to feel excluded once the children become a part of the relationship. Yet this is one of the most predictable stages that occurs in blended families. The task of the new couple is to learn to create a sense of togetherness – to build on activities that bring teamwork and a sense of accomplishment for the team, for the two adults. While you have a ready-made set of challenges by virtue of the very existence of the children one or both of you brought to the marriage, this is a very difficult challenge to meet, especially as the first challenge in the marriage, because you have the task not just for you as a couple but for you as an extended family. When it doesn’t happen, instead of feeling like a happy, well-unified family, almost everyone feels like an outsider.

The step-parent feels like an outsider because they are just joining a team (biological parent and her or his kids) that has been going strong for years. There are hundreds of “inside jokes,” secret non-verbal communication that has developed naturally between parent and child, between siblings, and lots of subtle references made about people who are known only to the biological family. The step-parent is also not yet seen as an authority figure, a true parental disciplinarian, and is often undermined by the biological parent. This makes the step-parent feel like there is no place for them, and they often retreat with the attitude of Why bother?

The child or children often feel like outsiders of the new love affair between the biological parent and the new step-parent. If a child has become the subject of shared custody with both biological parents, and spend roughly equal time with both biological parents, they often don’t have a primary home. After a week at Dad’s, coming back to Mom and Step-Dad can make the child feel like he or she is “just visiting.” There’s a certain hidden luxury for couples whose children spend time with the divorced parent in that they get regular time off from parenting, and can enjoy a semblance of “married without children” time together. They can get close again, and recharge their batteries. But when the children come back, it can feel like they are intruding on the romantic time of the new couple. There are changes in the household they haven’t been a part of, even if it’s as simple as a housecleaning. And while the parents are adjusting to the children being back, sensitive kids will pick up that they have just interrupted something, as if you are smoothing out your clothes from an intimate moment.

If both partners have children and one set of kids lives with another parent and “visits” the other parent who is now in a new marriage, the “visiting children” feel like outsiders to the new nuclear family. As a child I visited my Dad in Germany, where he lived for 19 years with his second wife and two children from their marriage. I hardly knew my dad, let alone his second wife and my half-brother and half-sister. While they were very welcoming and loving, and accepted me readily into their “tribe,” there was no question who the new person was. I felt like a stranger in my dad’s home. After my mother remarried, her second husband’s two children, who lived with their mother, would visit occasionally, until they were old enough to choose on their own not to come anymore. They felt so unwelcomed by my mother, and even their father (my step-father) that it was painful to be with us. My step-brother told me much later that he thought we – my mother and sisters, were his father’s “real family,” while he and his sister, my step-father’s “real kids,” were the result of a big mistake. I had had exactly the same feeling about my relationship with my father and his second family. Another example is when a step-parent has bonded so well with his new family that the new set of children, whether stepchildren or biological children with the new spouse, trump the children from the former marriage. This plays out at important family functions, where the biological children play no part – even at the parent’s funeral.

The only one who doesn’t feel like the outsider in this family structure is the biological parent. Far from having the “easy role,” they must play the mediator, and often feel terribly torn between children and spouse. Most of the responsibility of making the new family structure work seems to fall on their shoulders. Often it’s easier for the biological parent to maintain the single-parent role with their kids; as if the parent just happens to have a live-in boyfriend / girlfriend, even once they are married. The continuing challenge of keeping each side of the equation – kids and spouse – happy is like walking a tightrope. Some will come to the task, exhausting as it is, and keep trying to cultivate a relationship between spouse and children. Some will give up when it seems like the two sides will never meet. Some biological parents, often the father, will actually pull away from one side or the other – his kids or his wife – because trying to integrate them is too hard. This is sad because it can lead to defeat of the marriage, and no one wins.

The tug of war is even more compounded when one or both ex-spouses are co-parenting their children. That ex-spouse usually comes with his or her family, with whom the biological parent must at least cooperate for the sake of the children. If both partners of the new marriage have children and an ex-spouse who co-parents, this new marriage must balance relationships and in-laws in multiple directions!

From Lonely Outsider to “Doh-Si-Doh”: Finding the Rhythm of the Dance

There’s no way that everybody will feel central to the family all the time. The task is to make it normal for everyone to be in a dance with each other, and to make the dance fun. Another essential task of a marriage is for the couple to become comfortable with each other’s separateness, or individuation – following the call of their own life development. This can be a stumbling block for many couples who resist the shift away from an early symbiotic closeness where everything they do is together. However, making this shift is essential for a successful marriage. It will also help tremendously in countering insecurities when jealousies between children and spouses arise. In essence, it’s about finding the balance where everyone needs the biological parent – the hub of the family – just a little bit less, and hopefully begin to interact with each other – step-parent and step-children, step-siblings with each other – more and more.

Step-parents can be creative about ways to connect with their new spouse’s kids. It’s a good idea for parents to discuss how the step-parent can be more involved, from attending parent/teacher conferences at school to teaching a child a skill the step-parent can do, attending basketball games together, or just taking the time to listen to the child’s telling of their day. I’ve found that when kids don’t open up right away, sometimes just hanging out in the same room, without the TV on, gives rise to conversation. And conversation gives rise to, well, finding out things about your kids. By the way, the challenge of spending non-TV time together with kids is not limited to blended families – everybody struggles with this. The first thing to do is turn off the TV, then look around for a fun way to get out of the house – together.

Balance of Power, Not Power Struggle

Not only is there a challenge in balancing alliances and keeping everyone happy. There’s often a tug of war for power.

Often in a divorce suit one parent is hoping to have more control over their children’s lives than the other parent. However, more and more often, both parents share joint custody, which means both parents have to communicate in decision-making for their kids. This is troublesome enough, but it can also lead to confusion for the new step-parent: just how involved should the new step-parent be?

A new step-parent has a difficult role to fill: is he or she a parent, a friend, a baby-sitter, or a mere adult who happens to share living space? The unfortunate side-effect to not knowing the answer to this question is that the child or children often end up with too much power. Instead of the parents acting as a team, children learn they can pit one parent against the other. They do this in biological nuclear families, but they do it even more in blended families. Children can manipulate their biological parent to feel guilty (it’s an easy place to go – parents usually feel guilty already for a divorce) for not giving them what they want. A biological parent feels uneasy about the new step-parent’s style of giving discipline, so they step in to “save” the child. The new step-parent loses their power, and the child learns he or she can get away with just about anything.

Sometimes a new step-parent will feel they have to make up for a deficit in a former spouse’s shortcomings as a parent, and “straighten the kids up.” This usually meets with defeat, and resentment on all ends. Maybe the “corrective” parenting style of a step-parent can be effective in time, but only after an initial relationship-building period has occurred, establishing a strong sense of respect and acceptance on both sides. This can and usually does take years. Until then, the step-parent is best situated to remain a firm and friendly authority figure who supports the biological parent’s role.

It is important that neither the biological parent nor the step-parent give up their role as the responsible adult in the house. In time the children will find comfort rather than resentment in the structure that you uphold. Keep in mind an interesting piece of research about children and their need for boundaries: Researchers observed children playing in a back yard. In the first case the yard was open to the neighborhood, no fence or closure. The children played together huddled close to each other and close to the house. In the next case the children played in the same size yard, this time with a secure fence around it. The children enjoyed the full length of the yard, now confident they were safe with a known boundary in place. Lesson: children need structure, boundaries, and the firm and aware presence of a competent adult in their midst. While they might outwardly bristle at parental discipline, underneath they feel relieved. They are not adults, and no matter what they might say, they really do know they want and need the adults to be in charge.

Trouble Signs – What to Watch Out For

Every family has its ups and downs, and some families have extra challenges with “high-need” children, or even “high-need” parents. A certain amount of strife is to be expected, and should not cause alarm.

However, some things are sure signs a relationship is in trouble. Here is a list that has been cultivated by many couples therapy specialists with decades of experience. Take a look, and if any of these signs has been occurring for more than a few weeks, it’s time to get some help. Remember, we didn’t come into this world knowing how to build rockets without lots of training. Why should we expect that managing the foibles of a blended family should be an easier?

1. The couple has stopped talking with each other about family issues, and even avoid each other’s company. When they do talk, it is laced with sarcasm, a deadly form of indirect anger. This is a big red flag, because it represents a breakdown in willingness to work as a team, and suggests hopelessness has set in. Many people find dealing with conflict to be difficult, which it is, until we’ve learned some effective conflict-resolution skills. Take heart: these skills work, and many therapists can help you learn them with your spouse. It’s actually easier than you think, and tremendously rewarding to actually resolve problems.

2. The household has become a democracy, in that the children are too involved in making decisions. It’s the parents’ role to make the decisions for the children, who feel burdened by too much responsibility. It has been a trend in the last generation or two to give children more of a voice in family matters, in reaction to a much more repressive parenting style in the ‘40’s and ‘50’s. I think this is a good change – kids deserve to be listened to, and probably need to be heard even more. But being listened to is a separate process from kids making decisions, which must remain firmly in the hands of the adults. When adults have given too much responsibility to their children, it suggests the parents have trouble being adults themselves.

3. Some parents get into a competition about their kids, and which kids will benefit from the family resources. It becomes “my kids vs. your kids.” Once parents become polarized like this, nobody wins and everyone feels uneasy. Again, parents will benefit by talking it out with each other and developing a policy that everyone knows and agrees to. This often shows up more in older families, where couples have adult children who are expecting family benefits, like college tuition, wedding expenses, help with a down payment on a house, or even inheritances. Often, couples have a hard time getting past their fears of talking openly about what they feel comfortable with. It’s better, however, to talk it through than to wait to see how it plays out.

4. Parents are not using relationship skills to problem-solve family issues. Instead, one or the other parent unilaterally takes over parenting, disregarding the other parent’s contribution. Many step-parents have not been parents before the marriage, and don’t feel confident in their skills. The easiest thing is for the biological parent to assume full control. This might be appropriate in the beginning, but over time it is important to bring in the parental role of the step-parent, and when there are situations that he or she doesn’t know how to handle, that’s the time to ask for help from the biological parent. It’s okay to be a learner. There’s no one way to be the perfect parent, or there wouldn’t be radical parenting style shifts from one generation to the next. We are all experimenting. The biological parent has been practicing since their children’s birth. Many step-parents will enroll in a parenting class, such as Love and Logic, and many others. And all of us will regress to our own parents’ style (no matter how much we hated it growing up) when we are stressed. It takes a lot to be a good parent, so don’t beat yourself up, but do use resources.

5. The step-parent resents the biological parent’s kids coming to visit. This usually comes up after the routine has settled in and the step-parent finds that the biological children are not as accepting of the new spouse as they had hoped, or the kids are trouble-makers. “They just won’t warm up to me,” I often hear. This always suggests there is an underlying problem, where someone, often the children and the spouse, feel like outsiders. There is usually some difficult history here that needs to be dealt with – the “visiting” children didn’t get properly taken care of during a nasty divorce, or they resent their parent for moving on from the original family, or perhaps the step-parent is stuck in their expectation that their new life wouldn’t be “intruded upon” by the “leftovers” of a former marriage. These are tough images, but they do come up for people. When they do, it’s a strong indicator they would benefit from therapy. Most all of us come from imperfect families, and drag along our childhood wounds to our adult lives. There’s no shame in that, but hopefully we’ll be able to work on these issues without hurting the people we love. Therapy is a good way to do that.

6. The new step-parent feels like the new nanny. This is what I call the “Mary Poppins Myth,” that some people hope their new partner will fill the role of parent while the biological parent continues their life at work or is otherwise removed from the daily tasks of family life. Some couples agree to this arrangement, but forget to take into account that the children will be less eager to accept the new full time parent. Some partners don’t even realize they’ve put such a burden on their new spouse, but think of it as fulfilling a family tradition: “this is just how it’s done.” Whether it’s your tradition or not, you are still in a marriage that will require much more compromise and, in our culture, more equal footing. Otherwise, it is a setup for resentment to set in.

7. The children have stopped talking to the step-parent. In the first year or two, children are likely to be more ambivalent about getting close to the step-parent. But if they have moved closer and then have pulled back, there’s trouble. It’s important to investigate it sooner than later. Kids are generally less able to talk about problems than adults are, and can be even more reluctant to say something negative about a step-parent. Yet, if they feel hurt by a step-parent, and find that their biological parent is “siding with” the step-parent, the child feels more and more excluded, unimportant, and unwanted. Who wouldn’t feel angry? When this situation is allowed to ferment, long-term estrangement can develop, and that can take years to resolve. I have seen this over and over again, and the sad thing about it is that it usually starts with something very simple and mundane. The problem is that the small issues start to translate as a larger pattern or attitude – a chronic dynamic that everyone comes to expect. Again, this can happen in original (non-divorced) families as easily as in blended families, but it can be so destructive that it bears discussing here. When it gets to the point that no one can talk about it without a big blow-up, you do have another choice other than giving up: see a couples counselor. It’s better to start with couples counseling first because very often the underlying problems reside with the couple. If necessary, a session or two can include a child, to help everyone share their story and be heard. It’s always amazing to me how much is discovered by partners when they talk about things in therapy. Even after living together for years, there’s so much they don’t know about each other, often because they don’t know what questions to ask, and they often have a hard time hearing the answers. Couples therapists are skilled at helping everyone truly be heard. Once you know how the other person feels underneath the surface issue, much more resolution is possible.

Overwhelming Doesn’t Mean Impossible – Therapy Can Help!

If taking on a blended family seems overwhelming, take heart: it is. But it can also bring tremendous joy when those hard won moments finally happen, and your spouse’s child voluntarily offers a kind word, or even a small hand. When your step-daughter asks you to walk her down the aisle. When your stepson surprises you years later with a simple thank you for being a part of his life.

So many options and directions for growth open up when a couple comes to therapy. Some people think therapy is “just for nuts,” that needing therapy is a clear sign of weakness or that if you need it, something is wrong with you. That might have been true decades ago, but both therapy and the people who use it have changed a lot in the last several years. Most of the people I see are very ordinary people who are needing a little guidance in an area of their lives, or they might feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the life task set before them. Couples work is usually short term, and can help a family shift quickly to a much more satisfying way of life. Unfortunately, too many couples wait until they are on the brink of divorce before getting help, and by then it is usually too late. Some therapists advocate treating marriage like we take care of our cars: we bring them in for tune-ups. I personally have found NOTHING more challenging than being in a marriage and raising a child, and believe the help gained through therapy is the best resource there is.

Above all, when a blended family succeeds, it gives everyone the experience that marriage can work, family can be a good thing, and that we are lucky to come from family who loves us. I am hearing this more and more in my practice as grown children from blended families are able to look back with appreciation for their parents’ struggles and accomplishments. I’m also seeing more adult children whose parents, disengaged from them at some point because of divorce, have reunited and have learned to become friends. So often, these healed relationships begin with one simple gesture: reaching out.

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Thanks to the following people for their resources, knowledge, and wisdom, and their generosity in sharing it.

Dr. James Bray, author of Step Families: Love, Marriage, and Parenting in the First Decade, Broadway Books, 1998.

Ellyn Bader of the Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA.

The following therapists who contributed to my understanding of issues in blended families: Roxanne Barksdale, LCSW, Amy McNulty, Ph.D., Jean Sutton, LPC, Jean Pollock, LCSW, Janet Bychek, LCSW, and Don Wilde, Ph.D.

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For More Articles by Therapists on this and other Topics, go to http://www.therapylinx.com.



Vicente Lawerence
family trust
lazyurl asked:


The Child Trust Fund (CTF) is a long-term savings and investment plan set up by the Government to encourage you to save for your children’s future. Applicable for all children born after 1 September 2002 and living in the UK, an initial £250 sum is paid out at birth (£500 if your household income is below £14,495)xfollowed by an additional £250 when your child turns seven. In addition to the money paid into this account by the Government, you, your family and friends can contribute up to £1,200 each year.

Your children’s voucher can be invested in one of three types of accounts: Cash, Stakeholder or Shares.

Cash Accounts operate much like savings accounts, with interest earned on the sum invested.

Stakeholder Accounts invest your children’s money in shares from a variety of companies, moving the money to lower risk investments or assets (lifestyling) when your child turns thirteen. The fees for these accounts are limited by the government to no more than 1.5% a year.

Shares Accounts operate similarly to the Stakeholder Accounts, but are not subject to the same government limitations on fee percentages.

So which type of account is best for you and how can you best compare Child Trust Funds?

The lower risk option is a cash account with the highest returns varying from 6-7%. Various websites compare the interest rates of numerous Cash Child Trust Fund accounts on the market and list which accounts offer introductory bonuses. Our table, which is very comprehensive, can be accessed at http://www.myeggnest.com/info/compare.aspx

Stakeholder and Shares Accounts potentially offer a much greater return in comparison to the cash accounts, but with a greater element of risk. To find an account which offers the best return on investment, MyEggNest.com compares the best performing Stakeholder Child Trust Fund accounts of the last two years and offers parent reviews of these products.

To compare Child Trust Funds, the return on investment from cash and shares differs widely. Compare £250 in the best cash savings account on offer (7.15% from Britannia Building Society) which will yield £287.03 over two years while the best performing stakeholder Child Trust Fund (Family Investment’s Ethical Account) will see this money grow to £377.70, a 25% higher return. If you invest the maximum annual allowance of £1,200 in this stakeholder account, your investment can be worth £1,812.96.

When you compare your children’s Child Trust Fund accounts, it is worth noting that funds which offer the greatest returns also offer the greatest risks. However, most experts will agree that over time shares will out perform cash savings.

“It is very important that parents and grandparents take a long-term view …. when you compare Child Trust Funds” says Tony Vine-Lott, director general of Tax Incentive Savings Association (TISA). Ben Yearsley of independent financial adviser (IFA) Hargreaves Lansdown. “I would back equities over cash. The markets go up and down and are volatile, but over such a time, it’s the best option.”

Which ever decisions you choose, you will still better off than the 25% of parents who choose not to do anything at all. Just remember to shop around and compare Child Trust Funds before you act, as it will be time well spent. Happy EggNesting!!!



Marvis Harmann
family trust
Joel Mullen asked:


When I speak on the topic of Cabin Trusts I have a goal.  And that goal is to prove to everyone in attendance that, while transferring assets to the next generation is easy, the consequences of that transfer can be devastating to family relationships. 

Without a Cabin Trust, the family cabin or vacation home is a time bomb of conflict and the fuse is lit when the parents pass away.  How long the fuse is and when the bomb goes off depends on the family.  With families that have a history of at least some family conflict, we generally have a short fuse and only enough time to run for cover.  For families with no history of conflict, the fuse is a bit longer but it is burning. And sadly, for the latter family, when it blows they won’t even know how to duck.

That is why it pains me to hear my clients say, “the kids will just work it out”. 

The truth is, this “gift” they plan to bestow on their children is an unworkable situation.  A child that uses the cabin every weekend may be doing exactly what his parents intended. However, that doesn’t stop his younger brother from wanting to use it with his family alone.  And their younger sister, who lives out of state and rarely gets to use the cabin, may feel she has been given less of an inheritance than her brothers and will eventually pressure them to sell. 

And, of course, the brothers will not sell or buy her out.  Why would they?

You see how each sibling is right and no one is entirely wrong?  You can see how even in the best of families the sense of injustice will cause conflict to arise.  The bomb is there and it will go off. It is not a question of if, only a question of when.

However, if simple yet essential planning is done, the fuse never gets lit.  If you own a family cabin or vacation home and plan to leave it to your children, remember that no asset is worth the children fighting over.  Create a cabin trust that sets down all the parameters and rules and manages “if/then” situations to keep your family safe, happy and together.



Carmela Knavel
sciatica surgery
buying iraqi dinar

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